


How To Get A Spicy Boyfriend

by ollie_oxen_free



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: BREAKING NEWS THE PLOT MIGHT BE SAD, Crushes, JFC, Multi, Multiverse Shenanigans, Pining, THE GROUP CHAT, and there are literally NO fics abt it anywhere, betting on your friends, but apparently some of the situations are relatable and funny???, but they're sad memes, could that be an actual fucking plot in sight there?, could..., eat my ass - freeform, how could i forget - Freeform, i mean theres still memes, i only wrote this beacause CrushingOnSans made me ship Rottenberry, just a shit-ton of confusion, memes and jokes and the general crappy puns that are to be expected in an undertale fanfiction, not beta read (sorry), shipping olympics, so i wrote my own, this doesn't make any fucking sense anymore, time for actual tags, usage of alcohol, you get me?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-10-11 17:28:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 72,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ollie_oxen_free/pseuds/ollie_oxen_free
Summary: Razz secludes himself. Blue has a crush. No one can keep their asses in their own business.(Alternatively Titled: I Can't Believe Our Relationship Fucked Up The Universe)





	1. I Personally Think Soap Operas Are Interesting To Watch

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CrushingOnSans](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrushingOnSans/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternative Chapter Titles:  
> And The Emmy For Best Flirting Goes To
> 
> How Much Homosexuality Can You Get Until Someone Notices?
> 
> Intro to Gay: A Beginner’s Course

Razz stood in his kitchen, grinding the ingredients to make salsa a bit harder than truly necessary, the tv in the living room droning on about something or other. He grumbled at the noise. He fucking hated this surface television. He nearly called out to his brother to “either turn that thing down or off and get off your lazy ass to help me” before he remembered just why he was reducing the innocent vegetables in the bowl to a pulp.

 

His brother had left.

 

Granted, he would be back soon- blabbering on about something or other that their counterparts and him had all done, smelling of pot or alcohol or sometimes just them- and would pass out on the couch, leaving Razz to haul him upstairs to his room so that he didn't stain the couch (anymore) with his drool. 

 

Ever since they had fixed the damned machine from the basement, finding three other universes similar to their own and each receiving their own dumbass nicknames to tell each other apart, this was usually the norm. 

 

His brother would go ham it up with the alternate versions of himself. 

 

And he would stay home.

 

Not for lack of trying from his brother, though. Every time he hopped into the machine before he started it up, Papyrus ( _ his _ Papyrus) would always turn and ask if Razz would want to join him this time. The answer was always the same. 

 

“I have important business to take care of, Papyrus. I don’t have time.” 

 

He didn't have any business anymore, really, not since the royal guard was disbanded by the queen after reaching the surface, and he knew this, and Slim knew this, but he never pressed it further more than just a simple “If you say so” before the machine lit up and shuttled him off to the others. Despite their differences, they were still brothers, and he understood why he was so hesitant. The others were a different story.

 

He poured the salsa into a smaller serving bowl after adding a few more spices, and placed it in the center of a plate filled with tortilla chips. Making a device to simply communicate between universes was mere child’s play when compared to completely traveling across them, and his brother as well as the other “science-y” ones were quick to jump on the opportunity of sharing puns across time and space. 

 

The hyper version of him, the edgy-asshole Papyrus, his brother’s complete polar opposite, and himself were all quickly added to a group chat with their brothers that was lovingly dubbed “skeleton whores”. Any attempts to change it were met with an increasing number of skeleton puns until they just decided to leave well enough alone.

 

He sat down in front of the television with his chips and salsa, grabbing the remote and flipping through the channels for something less obnoxious. The chat was almost always in use by any one of them, and the constant buzzing of his phone due to an overload of messages nearly drove him insane to the point where he felt he had no choice but to put it on “Do Not Disturb”. Alphys bitched at him a lot about never answering her messages in a timely matter anymore, but he considered it a necessary evil. He refused to be kept awake in the untimely hours of the night due to the eggplant emoji ever again.

 

Razz shook these thoughts out of his head and went to grab a salsa-laden chip before the doorbell rang. He looked at the clock. It was too early for Slim to be home already. He glanced over at his phone, face-down on the table. Maybe… Alphys needed something? 

 

…

 

No. Definitely not. If it were Alphys, the brash lizard would have already broken down the door and thrown her weapon at him for ignoring her text. 

 

The doorbell rang again. He scowled and turned the TV down. If it were a salesperson, they would give up and go away if he didn't answer. It was quiet for a bit. Then another *ding* filled the house. Sans felt his eye twitch. Those damn persistent salespeople. Another pause. Then the doorbell was pressed multiple times in a row.

 

He growled. “ALRIGHT, I’M FUCKING COMING!” 

 

He stalked over to the door and threw it open, fully ready to throw whatever fucking human dared to bother him on their ass with a few more broken bones then they came here with when he stopped. Standing in front of him with as big a shit-eating grin as usual was “Blueberry” as he had been nicknamed.

 

“Hey, Razz!” He chirped. No. Fuck no. He slammed the door in his face and started walking to the couch again (the tv was playing some sappy soap opera now, he had better change it) when he was stopped by the ringing that continued. 

 

He rubbed his temples. “He’ll give up eventually. Just wait it out,” he muttered to himself. The ringing stopped. He heard a muffled voice from the other side of the door.

 

“So, just in case you didn't know, I’m not going away anytime soon! I waited outside Captain Alphys’ house all night so she would let me train to be in the guard, and I intend to do the same to you until you let me in!” He tapered off with a Mweh heh heh! before going silent. Then the doorbell started ringing again.

 

“OH MY GOD! FINE! JUST STOP WITH THE FUCKING RINGING!” He stormed back over and flung the door open with enough force to tear it off one of its hinges, the screws falling to the ground with high-pitched *klink*s. Razz stared at where the screws had landed as Blue walked inside.

 

“So, uh. That wasn’t my fault.” Razz shut the door, having to maneuver it carefully to get it back in the frame. He sighed heavily, reminding himself that, yes, violence was frowned upon in the pansy universes and this one’s brother would hunt him down if any harm came to him. He turned to face his alternate.

 

“It’s… fine. It’s not the first time the door has been broken. At least this time I don’t have to buy a new one.” He crossed his arms and stared at Blue, opting not to say anything after that. 

 

Blue started to sweat a bit, rocking back and forth on his heels and fiddling with his bandana. He cleared his throat and clapped his hands in front of him. “So! How, uh. Have you been?”

 

“Fine.”

 

“Good! Good, so that's… Good!”

 

“Great.”

 

Blue looked off to the side. “Yep!”

 

“Mmm.” Razz shifted a bit. He couldn't help but wonder why hell the other was here.

 

“Oh! Well, I came to check up on you! You never respond to anyone’s messages, and your brother said that you were at home pouting.” 

 

Huh. He guess he said that out loud.

 

“Wait, what? Pouting?” He scowled. “I do not ‘pout’.” Blue took an exaggerated look to the tv, which was still playing the sappy show, and the plate of chips in front of it before he looked back at Razz.

 

“Sure you don’t.” Razz felt himself flush and he rushed over, grabbing the remote and turning off the television, before turning back to the other. Blue just stared at him and blinked owlishly, a blush of his own starting to form.

 

“Well, you’ve checked on me and, no surprise, I’m fine! You can go hang out with the others now, and tell my brother to go fuck himself!” Razz flopped onto the couch and stared at the wall furthest away from Blue.

 

Blue laughed. “From the way he looks at Cream sometimes, I honestly wouldn't be surprised!” He felt a shift on the cushion beside him and looked over to see the same skeleton he was trying to ignore posing on the other end, resting his elbow on the top of the couch and grinning impishly.

 

Razz sniffed and stared at the tv. His brother’s business was his own.

 

“Great. Good for him. The door’s a bit sticky at the moment, so watch yourself on your way out.” He shifted a bit, trying to get comfortable.

 

“What if I wanted to stay?” Razz blinked a few times, processing the question before narrowing his eyes.

 

“Why the hell would you want to do that.”

 

“Because!” He turned to fully face Razz, pulling his legs up so he was sitting cross-legged on the sofa. Razz wanted to scold him, but he had taken off his shoes when he came in, so he could find no real reason to complain that wouldn't make him sound even poutier. 

 

…

 

More pouty?

 

…

 

Fucking whatever.

 

“Just saying ‘because’ is a pretty shitty reason, you know.” He settled on grabbing a chip and munching on it. He’d be damned if he let his wonderful food go to waste!

 

Blue followed his lead, grabbing a chip of his own and heaping salsa on it before popping it in his mouth. “Because I don’t know a lot about you, and you’re the only Sans-” he paused, thinking. “Actually, you’re the only  _ skeleton _ who has yet to hang out with us! So, I’ve decided to remedy that!” He smiled brightly after talking, seemingly waiting for a response from Razz, who just furrowed his brow in return before rolling his eyes and focusing on the tv. He grabbed the remote and turned it on, flipping to a channel that didn’t suck, settling on just ignoring the other.

 

Blue didn’t seem to mind, turning in his seat so he could see the tv better. He grabbed another chip and munched on it, seeming content to stay in the silence. They stayed that way for a bit, both of them leaning forward every now and again to grab a chip and salsa. Blue finally broke the silence.

 

“Hey, where did you get this salsa? It's really good!” Razz smirked at the other.

 

“Well of COURSE it’s good. I made it, after all.” Blue’s eyes lit up a bit.

 

“Wait. Do you like mexican food too?” His pupils had turned completely his namesake, small stars in the centers of them showing his excitement. Razz huffed a bit (he wasn’t laughing, fuck you) and grabbed the now-empty plate to wash.

 

“Of course I do.” Blue had followed him into the kitchen and was basically vibrating in place at this point. “I take it that you do as well?” Razz said it as more of a statement than a question.

 

“YES!” Blue confirmed. Loudly. “We should make something together sometime! Fell and Cream like to cook too, but they both prefer italian stuff. Which is good and all, but I prefer-” Razz was only half listening as he rinsed the serving plate and bowl. If he thought about it, it would honestly be nice to cook food with someone who would more than likely  _ not  _ burn his kitchen down.

 

(Alphys had apologized for it later, as best she was able. It mostly had just consisted of her watching him use the fire extinguisher he always kept handy during their “lessons” and shrugging when he looked over to glare at her.)

 

He finished rinsing the dishes and set them down to thoroughly wash later before turning to Blue, who had stopped talking and was waiting patiently for an answer. Razz cocked his head to the side and placed a hand on his hip and chest, striking a pose.

 

“Though I’m sure your skills are decent in the measures of your universe, they are no match for my culinary expertise!” He made eye contact with Blue and smirked as he continued to hold the pose. Blue was standing, slightly shocked, with a hint of cerulean on his cheekbones. Huh. Razz supposed that he had used a bit too much spices for the other to be able to handle with his (no doubt) weaker pallet.

 

Blue seemed to shake himself before striking a pose of his own, the flush on his cheeks still holding strong. “N-nothing that I, the Magnificent Sans, am not capable of handling, I’m sure!” At Razz’s scoff, a familiar look of determination flooded his sockets. “In fact!” He continued, removing the hand from his chest to point at Razz. “I challenge you to a cooking duel!”

 

“Please. I can handle anything you throw at me!” He sneered, and Blue huffed. 

 

“Very well then! Let’s go!” Blue reached forward and snatched his hand, beginning to drag him towards the broken front door. Razz stumbled after him, shocked for a moment before he dug his heels into the carpet and pulled back against Blue, stopping him in his tracks. Blue glanced back with a confused “Mweh?” before realizing that his counterpart was causing the delay. He huffed and faced forward again, pulling with twice as much vigor, and Razz pulling back just as hard. 

 

Razz growled and, with a particularly hard pull, toppled backwards and pulled Blue on top of him. The latter seemed confused for a moment, then realized his position when he made eye contact with their faces just a few inches apart and jumped straight up, his face a bright blue. He timidly reached out a hand to help Razz up before it was smacked away.

 

“Where the hell were you planning on going?” Razz stood up off the floor and glared at him. Blue seemed shocked by the turn of events, glancing down at the floor, his shoes, the pattern of the carpet, anything to not meet the gaze of the other.

 

“W-well I thought that if w-we were going to have a c-cook off then w-we would need some judges,” he stuttered, hunkering down into his bandana around his neck. “S-so I thought that we would g-go to the others so they c-could judge our stuff…” 

 

He trailed off with a quiet laugh that sounded… off. Razz didn’t like the way it sounded coming from the other. He started speaking again, and Razz had to strain to hear his voice over the television. 

 

“Sorry to bother you. I’ll leave you alone now.” Blue walked over to put on his boots.

 

“Wait.” The words were out of his mouth before he knew what he was saying. He mentally berated himself but, seeing the look on the other’s face, he couldn't bring himself to care. He didn’t know why seeing the other look so dejected bothered him so much, but he did know that he was upset because of him and he needed to fix it. 

 

“I wouldn't be opposed to having the others judge our cooking. However, it is getting to be late.” 

 

(What was he doing.)

 

“I couldn’t, in the right conscience, let you leave with the time it is now.” 

 

(The machine to get back was literally 10 meters from his house. There was no reason for the other to stay at all. Worse case scenario, he could just  _ walk _ the other to the shed and back. Razz, don’t you dare fucking ask him to stay.)

 

“Would you like to stay for the night?” 

 

(God fucking dammit.)

 

Blue’s eyes lit up again and he smiled a large, genuine smile, his face dusted with a light shade of blue. “Really?!”

 

Razz huffed and looked off to the side. He already regretted his decision. “Well I fucking offered, didn’t I?”

 

Blue laughed, an honest to god laugh, and rushed up to hug Razz. He tensed, not used to this kind of contact from even his brother, before relaxing into it, patting the other gently- and awkwardly- on the back. He felt a strange thump in his chest but decided to ignore it. Probably just his magic settling from the food he had eaten earlier.

 

Despite having offered to have the other stay to sleep, they stayed up talking. It was more like Blue talking as he listened and added in commentary and sarcasm where he felt the need, receiving more than one smack on the arm from his comments. He found out that the other liked tacos instead of enchiladas, that he prided himself on his puzzle abilities, and that he was also a huge fan of his Nabstabot, gushing about the celebrity.

 

He listened to his stories about the obnoxious cat that came around all the time to use his bone attacks as a scratching post, about how he went on a date with the human he had just met after they had flirted with him as he was attacking, and about how many times he and his Alphys had to rebuild her house due to her vigor in cooking. 

 

They talked for what seemed like hours, and Razz found himself laughing along with the other’s antics, telling some stories of his own. He was in the middle of a story detailing his greatness when he felt a weight against his shoulder. He looked over to see Blue asleep on his shoulder, snoring softly.

 

Well.

 

Time for bed?

 

Razz sighed as he got up- taking care not to jostle Blue- and started making his normal rounds around the house to ensure sure nothing was amiss.

 

(It was a habit he had gotten into while underground, after the first time someone had broken into their house because his brother had returned home drunk from Muffet’s without locking the door. He had made sure that they didn’t leave with their life, but the experience had left quite an impression on him.

 

He had begun waiting, then, for his brother to get home before he went to bed himself, and would go out looking for him if he stayed out drinking too long. 

 

He would also make sure the doors were always locked and traps by the windows were set. 

 

What with the usually tense relationship among humans and monsters, it really wasn’t too bad of a habit to have.)

 

He paused in front of the front door, attempting to slide the lock into place. It didn’t work, no matter how he jostled it, and he eventually gave up with a huff. He glared at the lock as if purposefully offended before walking away.

 

He strode into the kitchen and grabbed a chair, propping it against the handle of the door. He surveyed his work before nodding. 

 

That would have to do for the time being.

 

Razz walked towards the stairs when he paused and looked back at where Blue was still sleeping on the couch. He glanced at the door, and then back to Blue.

 

And then the door… which was still broken…

 

And then Blue again… who was asleep and defenseless…

 

Razz shook his head and started walking up the stairs. No. He wasn't gonna think about it. The other was clearly capable of taking care of himself, so there was no need for him to worry about anyone breaking into his house and possibly injuring the other while he sleeps right beside the broken door that was only held closed by a leaning chair. 

 

Razz paused again halfway up the steps, drumming his fingers lightly on the banister before groaning softly. 

 

God fucking dammit.

 

He walked down to where Blue was sleeping soundly and listened to his soft breathing for a bit before picking him up, walking to the stairs. He glanced at his brother’s bedroom before scowling and walking to his own. He refused to be anything but an excellent host, and allowing anyone to sleep in that pigsty was a torture so cruel that even he would be hesitant to use it. 

 

He set Blue down on his bed before pulling the covers over him, sliding in beside him and turning off the lamp. He was about to lay down when he noticed his phone and he sighed. God, he would probably regret this.

  
  


[ _ skeleton whores _ ]

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has opened a new chat at 1:26am! _

 

**Razz:** Blue is staying the night at my house. He’ll be home tomorrow.

 

**_Stretch_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Red_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Cream_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

 

**Stretch:** wait what

 

**Red:** aww shit blue, get some ass for me ;)

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Cream:** Hello, Razz!

 

**Cream:** Oh.

 

**Cream:** Goodbye, Razz!

 

**Stretch:** when did he leave

 

**Stretch:** why is he there

 

**Cream:** Thank you for letting us know!

 

**Red:** ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

 

**Stretch:** stop that

 

**Red:** ;(

 

**Cream:** >_>

 

**Stretch:** no but seriously when did he even leave

 

**Cream:** He left a while ago while you and my brother were chanting “shots” in our kitchen. Did you not notice?

 

**Stretch:** what?? why didnt he tell me???

 

**Red:** he did

 

**Red:** several times

 

**Red:** “hey papy imma go get some ass tonight hell yeah”

 

**Red:** and you totally agreed

 

**Red:** “oh sure thing baby bro make sure you use protection”

 

**Red:** and then he skedaddled the fuck outie to get some mad pussy

 

**Cream:** Language!

 

**Stretch:** okay so first of all he did not do any of that so shut up

 

**Red:** lol

 

**Stretch:** ugh

 

**Stretch:** if hes not back by morning im going to get him

 

**Red:** sorry to ass-ume that hed told you

 

**Red:** butt i guess its shame on me

 

**_Cream_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Stretch:** oh my god just shut up and go fuck your boyfriend or whatever

 

**_Stretch_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Red:** heh

 

**Red:** can do

 

**_Red_ ** _ has left the chat! _

  
  


Razz huffed and set the phone down, laying back in his bed and pulling the covers up to his chin. If the others really were going to come to his house, then he’d need all the energy he could manage to kick them out. 

 

He was almost asleep when he felt a warmth press against his back, and a calming feeling soothed over his bones. He sighed as sleep overtook him, feeling more relaxed than he had been in a while.

 


	2. You Know, Betting On Your Siblings Is Kinda Rude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternative Titles:  
> Intrusive Gay Thoughts™ 
> 
> Do You Throw A Red Flag For Interference Or?
> 
> The Lion King is A Cinematic Masterpiece

Razz heard shuffling around his room, and his eyes shot open. Years of training and instinct from living in a world like his own kicked in and he shot out of bed, facing his potential attackers with a snarl and an already formed bone construct in his hands...

 

Only to be met with his brother and Stretch standing over his bed with shaving cream and a video camera. He gaped at them before looking over and seeing what they were pointing the video at. Blue was still lightly snoring away in his bed, and the blankets in front of him were slightly ruffled from where Razz had been laying down. Well. That explains why his brother was struggling to hold in his laughter.

 

Slim looked at Stretch. “Dude, I told you he would wake up before you did anything.”

 

Razz glared at the two of them, and Stretch shifted from foot to foot, trying to discretely put the shaving cream in his pocket, sweating.

 

“Shut up. Did you get the picture?”

 

Slim tapped for a bit on his phone.

 

“No. But I got a video.”

 

Stretch laughed and made a gimme motion for the phone, Slim leaning towards him to show the film he had captured. Razz felt his face heat up and picked the both of them up with magic, throwing them out into the hallway with a screeched “STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM” following.

 

He heard a thump to the side followed by a quick shuffling and a nervous laugh. He turned to Blue, the embarrassed heat on his face still present as the other attempted to play off the fact that he had just landed headfirst on the floor.

 

“Hey, Razz! Hi! Uh, good morning! That was your bed!” Blue had started to sweat a bit.

 

“It was.” He answered. The other was acting slightly nervous, and he took that as a sign that he, too, was embarrassed by the fact that his brother had taken a video. Why would they-

 

Oh.

 

The position they had been in when they’d fallen asleep last night came to his mind.

 

Yeah, that makes sense.

 

His face flushed even more, and he looked off to the side. Razz sighed a bit, deciding to just get it over with. Rip off the bandaid, Razz.

 

“So, just making sure you were aware, our brothers took a video of us spoo-”

 

“OH WAIT I JUST FORGOT I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM THANKS FOR LETTING ME SPEND THE NIGHT OKAYI’MGONNALEAVENOWBYE”

 

Razz blinked a few times in shock as Blue darted out of his room and vaulted the banister to get to the bottom floor, his face the brightest shade of blue he’d seen on the other. He heard a scuffle come from downstairs, then a loud “MWEH”, followed by a crash. Then silence. A few moments later, two ‘pops’ of a teleport were heard.

 

He shook his head (his brother had probably just been too lazy to get up and walk to the kitchen) before going to his dresser to get some clothes, growling a bit and patting his purple cheeks to try to get rid of the blush that was still prominent. He looked over his reflection in the mirror before nodding, satisfied for now. He put on a fresh set of clothes and left his room, shutting the door behind him _gently_ , walking to the banister and looking down at his brother, who was laying on the couch, tapping calmly away at his phone and chewing on a sucker.

 

The front door was cracked in the center slightly, having been slammed so that it was opened in the wrong direction. Razz sighed (he’d been doing that a lot recently) and began to walk down the stairs.

 

Looks like he would have to replace that door.

 

“Papyrus.” He said. Calmly. Carefully.

 

Slim looked up from his phone, seeming surprised.

 

“Oh, hello, m’lord. I didn’t see you there.” Razz felt his eye twitch at the title. Since they had gotten to the surface he had dropped from what was left of the guard;  it was mostly just a tourist guide group at this point. He had told Slim not to call him by the title anymore.

 

He still did, of course, when he was acting like a condescending little bitch.

 

Like now, for instance.

 

“Papyrus.” He said again, carefully. “What happened.”

 

“Well.” He stretched, popping his spine and making Razz wince. “Short version? Blue jumped off the banister and threw Stretch over his shoulder before basically headbutting the door and running into the backyard.”

 

Razz crossed his arms, tapping his fingers on his ulna. “And what’s the long version?”

 

Slim closed his eyes, shuffling a bit until he was comfortably laying down. “Almost exactly like that, except I fall asleep in the middle for about five minutes before I keep talking.” Razz scowled. Slim opened his eyes to look at the other. “By the way, he seemed pretty flustered. What exactly did you two do after we left your room?”

 

Razz picked up one of the pillows that had been knocked on the ground, probably from last night, and threw it at his brother, hitting him in the face.

 

“Fuck off. I know where you sleep, asshole.”

 

He kept the cushion on his face, his voice coming out muffled. “Sans, we live in the same house.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Razz stopped at the door and looked it over. He’d have to go out and get a new one today, and he would probably ask Alphys to join him. She went through doors like her wife went through anime series, and she was probably needing to get a new one now (or at the very least, stock up on doors for later).

 

He looked down, intending to survey any damage that was done on the doorframe itself to see what repairs- if any- needed to be made, when he saw a familiar pair of boots.

 

Great.

 

“Papyrus! Blue left his boots!” Razz turned to his brother and crossed his arms over his chest.

 

Slim pulled the pillow off his face and fluffed it a bit before he placed it under his head. He looked over at said footwear and then back up to Razz. “...And?”

 

He huffed and stomped his foot. Honestly, he was tired of his brother's games this morning. He had just woken up, and didn’t feel like dealing with his bullshit anymore.

 

“ _And_ you need to take them back to him.”

 

Slim scoffed. “He’s your boyfriend. You do it.”

 

Razz felt his face heat up and he sputtered indignantly, trying to put words together to say that, no, fuck no, he and Blue were absolutely not dating! He was a skeleton of great standards!

 

…

 

Granted, Blue met many of those standards.

 

…

 

But they still weren’t dating!

 

“I am not taking him his boots! You’re the reason he came here in the first place last night, so you take them back to him!”

 

Slim looked at the boots, then the door, then finally settled on Razz. “I can’t. The door’s broken.” And with that he turned back to his phone, continuing to tap away at the screen.

 

Razz felt an eye twitch. Can skeletons get ulcers? He’d have to look it up later. “The door is _broken_ but you can still walk _through it_.”

 

“But Sans.”

 

“ _W h a t_.”

 

“Sans, I’m not a ghost.”

 

He threw his hands in the air and screamed. “FINE. IF YOU INSIST ON BEING A FUCKING IMBECILE THEN I’LL TAKE HIM HIS BOOTS MYSELF!” He stormed upstairs, ignoring the laughter from behind him, and threw on his own boots, tossing his jacket over his shirt and grabbing his phone from his nightstand. As he passed by his brother he smacked the phone out his hands, not stopping his strides as he bent to grab the boots.

 

“Oh, real mature, bro.” Razz just flipped him off.

 

“I’ll be back shortly, and you better have fucking found a replacement front door by then.”

 

Slim mock saluted with a “Yessir” before laying back down on the couch and instantly falling asleep.

 

Razz sighed as he marched through the backyard, wrapping his scarf more firmly around his neck. He walked into the shed in the back, turning on the machine and letting it warm up as he sent a quick text to Alphys telling her that they were going door shopping later. The machine dinged, having fully turned on, and he entered the coordinates for Underswap, stepping through the portal that appeared. There was the odd feeling of a strong gust of wind hitting him from every angle before he appeared in the shed in the other universe.

 

He shook himself off, checking his surroundings to make sure nothing was amiss. The shed was immaculate and almost empty except for a large tarp that was covering something in the corner. The object almost reached the ceiling and was about the size of a car in width. Razz paused for a moment before letting his curiosity get the best of him. He tore off the tarp- only to be met with empty space. He stared for a moment before he felt something rub against his leg with a purr. He looked down to see a white cat. It seemed rather friendly.. Huh.

 

He paused before reaching down to scratch along its back. The cat met his hand with a louder purring. This must be the Annoying Cat that Blue was complaining about last night. He was grateful that it wasn’t as prone to violence as the cat from his universe was. There had been many times where he had to bandage up long claw marks on his arms and legs from the beast.

 

(Razz had always told his brother that he had gotten the wounds from fighting various criminals around Snowdin, not wanting to admit he had been damaged by a 10 pound pet.

 

He doubted that Slim actually believed him.)

 

Razz stood fully before nudging the animal aside with his boot, walking out of the shed. He couldn’t let himself get sidetracked. Just take the boots, give the boots back, get home, and kick his brother’s lazy ass. He paused in front of the door. Right. He raised a hand to knock before looking over at the doorbell, an idea forming in his head. He smirked and rang it once.

 

Silence. Then, “Papy, can you get that please?”

 

No response after. Razz waited a few seconds more before rapidly clicking the doorbell, sending off a flurry of dings into the home. He chuckled as he heard a crash come from inside, then an exasperated “I’m coming!”

 

He kept ringing the doorbell anyways.

 

The door flew open to a very flustered Blue. Razz paused in his ringing for a moment, watching the other- who seemed shocked that he was there. He rang the doorbell again. Blue huffed and stepped out of the way so Razz could come inside.

 

“You know, I think I know why you did that last night.” He turned and smirked at the other. Blue’s cheeks turned a bit blue-er at that.

 

“Y-you uh… you do?” Razz laughed.

 

“Being obnoxious on purpose is actually kinda fun.” Razz glanced over at the doorbell, still chuckling. Blue blinked before laughing nervously, his hand reaching up to scratch the back of his head.

 

“Heh, yeah. That’s what I was asking about.” Blue shut the door, looking at the other for an awkward moment before clearing his throat. “Not to be rude or anything! But, why are you here?”

 

Razz held up the arm that still had the boots in it, gesturing at the shoes with his free hand. Blue looked at the boots, then at Razz, seeming confused. “How did you get those?”

 

Razz rolled his eyelights and held the boots out to the other. “You left them at my house. They were still sitting by the door when you left.” Blue took the boots with a thank you, opening the hallway closet and setting them inside.

 

He turned back with a chuckle. “That’s kind of weird, actually, since I put them on before I… left. I wonder why they were still at your house?” Razz opened his mouth to ask a question of his own when a crash came from the direction of the kitchen. Blue’s face paled before he screamed something unintelligible about a cat and ran into the room. Razz followed after. The layout of their house was almost the same as his own, only with the color scheme being a bit brighter.

 

He walked into the kitchen to Blue shooing the Annoying Cat from the shed out the door with a broom, slamming it and locking it once the creature was gone. Blue turned back to the kitchen, looking at an empty space on the counter with sadness. Razz had to force himself not to laugh at the cute pout on the other’s face.

 

...Wait.

 

Cute?

 

He was broken from his thoughts by a deep sigh from Blue. “He absorbed my food… _and_ the plate.” Razz snorted, not able to hold in his laughter anymore. Blue huffed, looking off to the side, but wasn’t doing much to hide his own smile. Razz straightened, a grin still playing on his face. “Well, I had best be going now. I have to kick my brother’s ass for probably not repairing the door like I asked him to.”

 

Blue stood for a moment, watching as Razz walked away before calling out. “Hey, wait!” Razz paused, feeling a sense of deja vu from the previous night. Blue walked over to where he had stopped. “I know you don’t really read the messages that are sent in the chat, but, according to Cream, there’s a fair coming to town in Undertale, and we were planning on going to it! Would you like to come?”

 

Razz would normally say no, but seeing Blue standing in front of him, slightly twiddling his thumbs made him reconsider. If he were there, then at least he would have someone to hang out with, even if everyone else was being insufferable. “Sure. It could be fun.” Blue’s eyelights flickered to bright stars for a moment before he seemed to catch himself.

 

“That’s great! I’ll send you a message later of the exact details and time!” Blue stepped forward and hugged him, and Razz tensed for a moment, blushing before he awkwardly returned the embrace, patting him on the back lightly. He stepped back and nodded, waving bye to the other before leaving to go back home. He glanced down at his phone to unread messages from Alphy as the machine warmed up again, her saying that she had actually broken the door just that night after she threw the couch across her and Undyne’s shared house during an anime marathon.

 

He shook his head, sending her a text that he would be over in about twenty minutes, before he heard the loud snap of a branch. Pausing mid-stride right before the shed, he turned around surveyed the yard, his eyes narrowing. There was an off chance that it was the Cat, but experiences with his own told him that if it _were_ the cat, he wouldn’t hear it until it was too late.

 

He was about to turn back to the shed when he heard another rustle, this time coming from the tree. He crept over to the tree, peering up into it before sighing heavily. Hanging on the branches and looking very much like children caught in the cookie jar was Slim and Stretch, the latter barely staying in the tree by hanging onto a nearby branch. “What the hell are you two doing up there?”

 

Stretch chuckled, sweating from holding onto the branch. “You know, that is a fantastic question, Razz.” He looked over at Slim, who was calmly perched, swinging his legs back and forth. “What _are_ we doing up here, Slim?” His voice was slightly strained from the exertion.

 

Slim stopped moving his legs, stiffening up before he seemed to come to a conclusion with himself. He leaned over to where Stretch was hanging on, putting his hands over his couterpart’s. “Long live the king,” he whispered, before prying Stretch’s grip from the tree. He fell to the ground with a thud and a groan, turning over to glare up at him.

 

“Ow, Slim, what the hell?”

 

“Every man for himself, bitch,” was the only explanation given before he leaped from the tree and dashed to the fence, launching himself over it with a shout of “PARKOUR!”. His shoe caught on the top of the fence. A second thud was heard, with a loud groan following.

 

Razz stared at where his brother had no doubt injured himself before calmly looking down at where Stretch was laying, sweat beading his forehead. He narrowed his eyes. “Care to explain?”

 

Stretch blinked before finger gunning and teleporting away, leaving a frustrated Razz behind. He huffed, stalking over to the shed and opening the door, only to find his brother about to walk through the portal back to their universe. Slim panicked, shouting a quick “look over there!” and pointing towards the abandoned tarp before diving through the portal. Razz drummed his fingers on the door still held in his hands before shutting it softly. It honestly wasn't worth the effort to try to figure out what they were doing while, more likely than not, high.

 

His last thought as he left Underswap was that he should really turn his phone volume back on in case he gets a text from Blue.

 

[ _skeleton whores_ ]

 

**_Stretch_ ** _has opened a chat at 11:21am!_

 

**Stretch:** slim and fell both owe me $10 hell yea

 

**_Fell_ ** _has joined the chat!_

**_Comic_ ** _has joined the chat!_

**_Blue_ ** _has joined the chat!_

 

**Fell:** Fuck off.

 

**_Slim_ ** _has joined the chat!_

 

**Slim:** pry my cash from my cold dead hands, bitch

 

**Blue:** Why do they owe you money?

 

**Comic:** if its 4 the reason i think then red and my bro both owe me money 2

 

**Fell:** So I take it that Blue finally stepped up to the plate?

 

**Blue:** What plate? What are you guys talking about? What money!?

 

**Stretch:** my money now lol

 

**Slim:** $$ (ง •̀_•́)ง

 

**Slim:** i will p r o t e c t

 

**Comic:** r we rly gonna talk abt this while hes in the chat

 

**Blue:** So it has to do with me? What!? TELL ME!

 

**_Fell_ ** _has kicked_ **_Blue_ ** _from the chat!_

 

**Slim:** ya know, i feel like that was just a bit excessive

 

**Comic:** i got a real kick outta it

 

**Comic:** oh no wait

 

**_Fell_ ** _has kicked_ **_Comic_ ** _from the chat!_

 

**Fell:** Anyone else?

 

**Slim:** jesus christ

 

**Fell:** Did Blue manage to get him to come or not?

 

**Stretch:** [image attachment]

 

**Stretch:** you tell me

 

**Stretch:** aww its so sweet theyre hugging

 

**Stretch:** $20 photo right here bitch

 

**Fell:** Why the hell was it taken through a window? Why the hell are you outside your own house?

 

**Stretch:** we were stealthily spying on them in the tree

 

**Stretch:** slim was there too

 

**Stretch:** (bitch)

 

**Slim:** (lion king is a great movie, fuck off)

 

**Fell:** What?

 

**Slim:** i was just making sure he didnt cheat on the bet.

 

**Fell:** …

 

**Fell:** Fine. You win.

 

**Fell:** But I’m taking my repayment out of your ass tonight.

 

**Stretch:** what

 

**Stretch:** wait

 

**_Fell_ ** _has left the chat!_

 

**Stretch:** oh shit

 

**Slim:** oooo~ kinky ;)

 

**_Stretch_ ** _has kicked_ **_Slim_ ** _from the chat!_

 

**_Stretch_ ** _has left the chat!_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who wont be available to post chapters for all of spring break? this dude! fortunately ill probably have like 6 chapters ready by then so prepare your ass
> 
> (i fuckign love lion king)


	3. Wingmen Shmingmen: They're Just A Bunch Of Assholes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Titles:  
> What Do You Get When You Cross Downtown By Macklemore With Something Pretty Fucking Gay?
> 
> Who The Hell Thought Abandoning The Fledgling Homosexuals Was A Good Idea
> 
> We Now Launch This Ship Into Hyperspace at TERMINAL VELOCITY
> 
> The Author Hasn’t Been To The Fair In Literal Years And Therefore Only Has A Romanticized Idea Of What It Is Like

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tfw u drive 45 minutes in town to mooch off of starbucks wifi so u can upd8 ur fic and check for other update shit
> 
> important: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzGGL0VpKUI

Razz tapped his foot impatiently, resisting the urge to yell at his brother yet again. If they didn’t hurry, then they would be late to meet up with the others, and he refused to have his on-time reputation permanently sullied by his brother's carelessness. He stopped his tapping, taking in a deep breath and letting it out with a sigh.

 

He felt his phone buzz in his pocket and he pulled it out, opening a private message from Blue, asking if they were still coming. He sent an affirmative, badmouthing his brother a bit, and pocketed it again.

 

(When he had first turned his phone off of silent, he would jump every few minutes at the buzz, picking it up quickly and seeing if Blue was on. He usually wasn’t, and it left Razz mentally kicking himself for putting himself between a meme war with the lazy dickholes. At first he would stay to try to tell them to fuck off with the memes, but after finding out that it would only increase the quantity and lower the quality, he ignored them. He had gotten used to it over the past few days.)

 

He heard a creak come from the upstairs room, and looked up to see his brother rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and wearing wrinkly clothes. He felt his eye twitch and he fought the urge to launch the nearest piece of furniture at him.

 

“Were you fucking napping?” Honestly, if he had been waiting down here  _ patiently  _ while his brother was being lazy, he was going to flip.

 

Slim blinked before grinning cockily, shrugging, and Razz felt his annoyance flare. He pinched his nasal bone and sighed. It wasn’t worth it, just. Walk out the door. He looked back up to see his brother sleeping in the fucking shrugging position and he screeched, launching the coat rack that was beside the door at him.

 

...

 

He would have to remember to fix the new hole in the wall later.

 

They walked through the portal the machine made after he launched the damn Annoying Cat out of their shed (again). He walked to where the door was. Or at least, where the door should have been. Instead, it was just an empty wall. He internally cursed himself- of  _ course  _ he should’ve known that Comic would pull some shit like this, and his brother was no doubt in on it- before he heard Slim clear his throat behind him.

 

He turned with some very unkind words on the tip of his nonexistent tongue before he saw that he was pointing at the door. In the back of his mind he remembered his brother telling him before that Undertale and Underfell were reversed from their own universe, and as as such so was the layout of everything. Slim grinned before walking to the door, theatrically opening it before bowing and gesturing for him to go through first.

 

“The exit is this way, m’lady.” Razz sniffed and walked through the door.

 

“Fuck off.” His brother’s laughter followed him as he stepped outside, walking through the yard to the front of the house. Where everyone was already waiting. He groaned internally.

 

Blue perked up as they rounded the corner, hopping off of the fence that he had been sitting on. “Hey! I was wondering when you would get here!”

 

Razz huffed, about to offer an explanation before his brother interrupted. “We got a little lost.”

 

Blue looked at him incredulously. Stretch chuckled, mentioning something about navigating through rush hour. Comic sagely nodded. “Oh yeah. Did you see the traffic on the 90? It was crazy wasn’t it?” He nudged Red, who was sitting with his arm slung over Comic’s shoulder, tapping on the screen of his phone. He started a bit at the nudge, looking up at everyone staring at him.

 

“Uh… Yea?” He tried. Comic groaned.

 

“Red, you had one fucking job.” Red was looking around at the faces of the group, lost. Razz tapped his foot impatiently, resisting the urge to go back home. Cream waved his hands, getting everyone’s attention. He clasped them together once everyone turned to look at him, smiling.

 

“Now that everyone is here, we can leave to go to the fair!” He said innocently, but the smirk on his face said otherwise. Razz looked around the group. Everyone, save for Blue and himself, was wearing similar looks, and his own brother was looking downright smug. Blue didn’t seem to notice the shift in atmosphere.

 

“So, are we just going to teleport there or-?” Almost as if he had flipped a switch, everyone moved at Blue’s words. Fell placed his hand on Stretch’s shoulder and Slim said a quiet “later bro” before ‘swooning’ into Cream’s arms, hand pressed dramatically to his forehead. Both pairs promptly disappeared with the pop of a teleport, leaving behind a faint scent of ozone. Blue blinked before turning to where Red and Comic were. Or, at least, where they had been earlier. 

 

Razz sighed. Typical that this would happen. Blue was frowning at his phone, blushing and tapping at the screen when he noticed Razz walking back towards the shed.

 

“H-hey!” Razz turned around and Blue trotted up to him. “Where are you going?” Razz sighed, pulling his phone out to check the time.

 

“I’m going back to Swapfell.” Blue’s face fell, and Razz mentally berated himself for saying it in such a terse tone. “Unless you have other ideas?” He amended. Blue, paused, seeming slightly shocked before smiling again. Razz felt his soul warm slightly. Weird.

 

“I have a few. Follow me!” Blue started walking towards the shed and Razz followed after. He found his eyes wandering down the other’s form, noting the differences between their characteristics. With the short sleeves that other was wearing, it was easy to tell that one of the main differences between them were the scars that littered his form. Oddly enough, as he stood there, watching the other’s unmarred bones as he punched in the coordinates for Underswap, he didn’t feel any envy. Just a strange sense of…

 

Appreciation?

 

He felt his soul warm again. It was unlike anything he had felt before, and it was… nice.

 

He was interrupted from his thoughts by Blue, clearing his throat and blushing, doing his best to avoid eye contact. He had been caught staring. Razz felt his own face heat up and tried to cover it with a cough.

 

“Well, let’s get going then, shall we?” Blue gestured to the portal that had formed while he had been staring. Razz stepped through, walking a few steps in before turning back to Blue.

 

“So, where exactly are we going?” The other tapped on his own machine to close the portal before turning to look at Razz.

 

“The fair, of course!” Razz walked to the door of the shed, opening it for the Blue, who met the gesture with a “Thank you!”.

 

“I thought you said that the fair was in Undertale?” He followed Blue to his garage. Blue turned back and grinned at him. His soul gave another wave of warmth.

 

…

 

God, he hoped he wasn't getting sick.

 

“There’s actually a fair here as well,” he explained, lifting the garage door with a small grunt. A slightly bitter expression crossed his face. “We were  _ supposed  _ to all go to the fair together in Undertale, but, you know, no hard feelings or whatever.” Razz could tell that there definitely were some hard feelings. “I figured that since they’re off having fun without us, then we may as well go to the fair here ourselves! I… don’t really know how to navigate Comic and Cream’s universe very well.” Blue grinned sheepishly, walking into the garage.

 

Razz watched him, squinting suspiciously into the dark. The lights suddenly came on, and Blue proudly walked up to a motorcycle that was sitting in the center. Beside it, a battery-powered Barbie jeep sat, covered in empty bottles of honey. Razz just decided to ignore the latter.

 

“So, is this yours?” He walked up to the bike, glancing it over. It was different from his own, seeming more suited to comfort riding as opposed to sport. There was even a spot for a passenger.

 

Blue hummed an affirmative, walking over to a shelf in the garage and taking off a pair of helmets, tossing one to Razz before fiddling around on his phone chain for the keys. He pulled them out triumphantly, cocking a sideways grin at Razz, with the dark blue helmet still tucked under his arm. “You ready to go?”

 

Razz hesitated before calling to mind when Alphys had told him to “learn to live a little you uptight bitch, I’m surprised how well you can walk with that stick shoved so far up your ass.” He pulled the helmet down over his head, securing it tightly. Granted, she had been trying to convince him to stay and watch a shitty anime after their training session (even though her house was on fire at the time), but it was solid advice nonetheless.

 

Blue perked up, his grinning widening as he took the motion as a yes. He hopped onto the bike, starting it up and turning to Razz, patting the seat behind him before pulling on his own helmet. Razz stepped over the bike before pausing, looking at the other sitting in front of him before loosely wrapping his arms around the other’s torso. He felt a rumble of a nervous laugh travel through the other’s back, and his grip unconsciously tightened.

 

They drove out of the garage, Blue pressing a button on his bike to automatically close the garage door, waiting until it was fully shut before pulling out onto the street. Razz watched the lights turn on in the town as the sun began to set, the twinkling amber dots lining the horizon as they pulled out on the freeway. The wind from the speed whipped against him, and he felt the chilled breeze hit his wrist where his hands weren’t covered by gloves or his leather jacket. Razz slowly leaned forward, pressing his chest against the Blue’s back and relaxing, watching in the distance as the colored lights of the fair got closer.

 

His soul gave off a steady warmth and he breathed out slowly, watching the cars and various buildings pass by. They pulled into a parking lot near where the fair was set up, Blue finding a space and turning off the bike, parking it. Razz stepped off to the side, removing his helmet and handing it to Blue so he could put it in the compartment under the seat. He tried to ignore the almost disappointed pang in his chest from no longer being pressed to the other. Blue turned around with a grin, attaching the key to his phone again.

 

“You ready to go?” He smiled, and Razz felt the corner of his mouth tip up in a grin of his own. They walked over to the fair, and went to the booth where they were selling tickets for entry. Blue bought his own and attempted to buy Razz’s, but he took the other’s cash from his hands and threw it away before the ticket seller could take it.

 

Blue huffed and went to go get his money. Razz stuck his tongue out at the other, and took his ticket bracelet from the cashier. He walked through the entrance, wrapping the paper around his wrist and attaching it with the sticker, waiting for Blue. The other skeleton trudged in with a pout, having already wrapped the paper bracelet around his wrist.

 

Razz smirked. “Did you get your money back?”

 

Blue huffed at the question and crossed his arms across his chest. “Not hardly. A human child picked it off the ground and refused to give it back, even after I asked politely.”

 

Razz feigned shock at this, his hand coming up to splay on his chest. “Even after you asked politely?! Unbelieveable!” Blue sniffed and glanced off to the side, a slight blush on his face.

 

“They kicked me in the shin before running off.” Razz laughed suddenly, the image of a small child sprinting away from a shocked Blue with his money too funny not to. Blue pretended to be annoyed, but soon joined in with a chuckle of his own. They started walking after that, Razz looking at all the colorful lights and stands with pretended disinterest, watching as Blue lit up at seeing the flashing colors. 

 

Razz was looking over the booths, examining the various prizes that the workers were offering. He was so focused on the humans behind the booth, yelling and shouting out to try to get people to give their- no doubt- rigged games a shot, that he didn't notice that Blue had stopped in front of him. He ran into the other’s side, almost knocking him to the ground before he reached out and caught him around the torso.

 

He blinked a few times before blushing at their position, Blue being held in his arms in a low dip. He made eye contact with the other and found himself blushing, the heat traveling from him cheek to down his neck. He saw Blue lean forward in his arms, and he started to mirror the movement. A loud wolf whistle from nearby startled him, and he shot up, dropping the other to the ground where he landed with an “oomph”. 

 

Razz cursed, sticking out a hand to help Blue up. The latter chuckled, brushing off the dirt from his clothes with a dark flush on his face. Razz looked around with a glare at who whistled before making eye contact with a smug looking carnie. His face pulled into a snarl and he walked up to the booth. The carnie spoke before he could even open his mouth to say anything.

 

“Please, buddy. If you were planning on threatening my life, then don't bother. I’ve heard ‘em all, and frankly? It gets old after a while.”

 

Razz scoffed, looking over the setup of the booth critically. Three large metal bottles were sitting ten feet away from the wooden divider, small holes in the tops of them and larger ones in the sides. Softballs were sitting in small baskets lining the front of the booth, and stuffed animals of various sizes hung from the top of the booth. “And what the hell is this?”

 

Blue had walked up behind him, and was looking at the stuffed animals lining the ceiling.

 

The booth person raised a brow at him. “It isn't obvious? Throw a ball, get it in through the top hole and you win a big prize.” They gestured widely to the large stuffed bears hanging in the back, each one about as big as Razz himself. “Get two in through the hole in the side and you get a small prize.” Another gesture, this time to the smaller bears. “You can only win one prize per round, so tough luck buttercup.”

 

Razz sneered, about to mock the game when Blue piped up. “How much to play?” Razz glanced over at the other, his pupils turned into stars as he looked at the larger bears hanging from the back. The carnie rolled their eyes and pointed at the sign in front of the booth. Blue grinned and pulled out the three dollar fee, receiving three softballs in return. 

 

Razz watched as Blue narrowed his eyes comically and brought him arm back, tossing the softball in an underhanded arc towards the bottle.

 

…

 

He missed all three.

 

Razz would have laughed had it not been for the disappointed look on Blue’s face. He huffed before slamming more money on the counter, demanding another go.

 

And then another.

 

...And another.

 

Razz sighed as he watched Blue buy another three softballs, only to lose them all again. Alright. He straightened up, placing his own money on the booth before scowling at the person running the booth. Enough was enough. The person running the booth shrugged, handing him the softballs with a flirtatious wink. He deadpanned at them before picking up a softball, lightly tossing it up and down in his hand.

 

“Careful, Razz, the game is rigged,” Blue warned. He was leaning with his back against the front of the booth, and a sour expression on his face. Razz looked at the other, then back to the game. He tossed the ball.

 

And got it in the top on his first try.

 

The human looked up from their phone. “Oh hey. You actually won. What do you want as a prize?” They sounded almost disinterested, and Razz glanced over the options for his prize as Blue sputtered beside him. He pointed out the bear that he noticed Blue had been eyeing, a large black one, with a purple stomach and paws. He noticed Blue slouch a bit, seeming really dissapointed. The booth worker grabbed the selected prize and gave it to Razz.

 

“Here ya go, shortstack. Have a wonderful night at the fair.” They turned back to their phone at that. He growled slightly, but chose to not react.

 

(Honestly, with how patient he was, given the absolute bullshit that he was often put through, he was practically a saint.)

 

He looked over to his left at Blue, who was slightly trudging along, moping and staring at the ground. Razz sighed before he got an idea, hefting the bear to his other shoulder before nudging Blue with his elbow. He started, looking up at Razz.

 

“Well, are you gonna take this thing or what?” Blue just blinked a few times.

 

“...What thing?”

 

Razz huffed. “This giant-ass stuffed bear that I won for you.”

 

Blue’s grin returned full force. “Really?!”

 

Razz flushed, and looked away. “I knew that if I waited until you won it for yourself, then we would be there all night.”

 

He handed off the bear, and Blue held it aloft, the size of his grin increasing. He gave an excited thanks and Razz nodded in return, continuing to walk until they reached some of the rides. Blue started chatting animatedly about his favorite rides, and Razz chuckled at the stories. The bear had certainly increased the other’s morale.

 

They passed by a stand that was selling various fair foods. Razz grimaced at the sign that stated they had “Chocolate-Dipped, Deep-Fried, Bacon-Stuffed Glazed Doughnuts!” Blue got an order of cotton candy, adjusting the bear on his shoulder and handing the sweet to Razz, not wanting to get any of the sticky treat in its fur. They continued walking, with Blue continuing his stories and both of them occasionally pulling a piece of the candy from the cone.

 

Surprisingly enough, Blue didn’t seem to want to stop at any other booths, looking at the stuffed bear every once in awhile with a small blush and a smile. They finished the cotton candy, and Razz threw the paper away in a nearby trash can, walking back to Blue- who was watching the various rides with a large grin.

 

“We should go on a ride!” Blue said suddenly. Razz blinked at the statement before eyeing the other warily, recalling seeing some more gut-busting rides that they had passed. He wouldn’t be opposed to going on a ride, but he refused to ride any ones that involved high-speed spinning. Or any rides that involved spinning in this first place, really.

 

(One time, while at a theme park, Chara had convinced him to go on the spinning teacups. Alphys, of course, decided to go on them too. They had all piled into the cup-shaped spinner, and as soon as the ride began, Razz knew he had made a mistake. 

 

Chara and Alphys offered no mercy as they spun the teacup with the wheel in the center brutally. He couldn’t last the whole ride, and made the dangerous choice to climb out as they continued to recklessly spin.

 

The centrifugal force had hurled him from the ride and, by happenstance, directly into his brother, who was knocked over by the skeleton that was hurtling at him.

 

On a completely unrelated note, he was permanently banned from all existing Six Flags parks.)

 

“What ride, exactly?” He wasn't nervous, fuck you.

 

Blue scanned the area in front of them, his eyes flitting from one contraption to another, before landing on the large, multicolored ferris wheel in the back. His eyes turned into stars, and his blush came back full force. Razz, having watched the other’s reaction, began walking towards the wheel, and the excited- and still blushing- Blue following close behind. Razz stopped once they got to the bottom of the wheel, looking up.

 

Night had fully fallen sometime while they were in the fair, which made the bright lights stand out even more. All the spokes of the wheel were lined with colored lights, and lights also filled the space between the spokes, making it so that there wasn't a single area on the side that wasn’t covered with colors. The lights flickered between shades, not making any shapes in particular, but the synchronized waves of colors drew everyone in. 

 

Razz felt a hand grab his own, and his attention moved from the colors to Blue, who was watching him with a small grin. “You know, I bet it’s even more fun to ride than to watch,” he teased, and Razz grumbled as he was pulled into the line for the ride.

 

Blue didn't let go of his hand once they stood in line. Or as the line continued moving. Razz looked at where they were still joined, then back up to Blue. The latter was watching the light show on the side with wide eyes, and must not have noticed they were still joined. They reached the front of the line, and he removed his hand from the other’s grip so they could enter the seats. They sat down on the bench, with Blue placing the bear on his left and Razz sitting on his right. A bar was lowered in front of them to secure the seat, and the machine gave a jump moving them forwards.

 

The ferris wheel stopped and started a few times as other passengers got on, Razz being hyper aware of where he was pressed to the other. The stuffed bear prevented them from having a reasonable amount of space between them, so he was pressed to Blue’s side, able to feel the warmth that the other was giving off. Once all the passengers were on, the wheel spun around a few times, and Razz looked out over the lights of the fair and the town, a gentle breeze hitting his face.

 

The wheel stopped spinning, slowly pausing with each car on the ground so that the riders could exit and new passengers could get on. Razz kicked his feet slightly, watching the people down below, when he heard a small laugh from beside him. He turned and looked at Blue, who was smiling up at the clear night sky, the stars twinkling.

 

Razz turned his eyes up too, looking at the various constellations. It wasn’t the most incredible sight (nothing could compare to first seeing the lights he had dreamed about for so long when coming onto the surface), but the atmosphere around him- the din of the fair, the flashing lights to their sides, the warm press of Blue against his side- made it memorable. They reached the top of the wheel and it stopped. Razz leaned forward and put his hands on the bar. Blue must have had the same idea, because their hands bumped into one another, Blue’s coming down on top of where Razz’s was gripping.

 

They both move their hands away, and Blue laughed bashfully with an apology before moving his hands closer to one another, continuing to look up at the sky. Razz looked at the other’s hand, then back up to his face. A light blue blush dusted his cheekbones, and his eyes themselves were stars as they traced the lines between the constellations.

 

He felt a thump in his chest. He stopped looking at the other to rub the heel of his palm against his sternum. 

 

Blue shifted, turning his head to smile at Razz, tapping his finger against the bar before looking away with a blush. He leaned into Razz’s side and avoided eye contact in favor of continuing his scrutiny of the stars. Razz shifted himself, shocked, before lifting up his arm, letting Blue rest against his ribcage as he placed the arm over his shoulder.

 

Another thump in his chest, followed by a warm sensation in his soul. 

 

…

 

(In the back of his mind, he knew what it was. He wouldn’t admit it.)

 

…

 

They started their descent on the wheel, and Blue straightened from his side, reaching over to grab the bear before turning and smiling at Razz, the corners of his eyes crinkling. Razz smiled back before he could stop himself, feeling the slight heat of a blush on his face. They got off the ferris wheel and Blue pulled out his phone, balancing the bear precariously on his shoulder as he checked them time.

 

“We should probably be getting back now. It’s starting to get late.” Razz nodded, still flustered as they walked back to the bike. They approached the bike before Razz paused, realizing something.

 

“Hey, Blue?”

 

“Yeah?” The other replied, looked through his phone’s keychain.

 

“What are we supposed to do with the stuffed bear?” Blue paused, looking at Razz, then the bike, and then the bear. He turned to Razz, looking very much like he just witnessed his entire family die in front of him.

 

“What did I do to deserve this?” His voice sounded broken.

 

Razz laughed.

 

[ _ skeleton whores _ ]

 

**_Blue_ ** _ has opened a chat at 10:56pm! _

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Slim_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Comic_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Red_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Stretch_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

 

**Blue:** Papy I need you to come to the fair immediately, it’s an emergency!

 

**Stretch:** what

 

**Stretch:** oh my god are you okay

 

**Razz:** He’s exaggerating. Everything is fine. 

 

**Stretch:** what the fuck

 

**Razz:** He just doesn’t want to leave his giant stuffed bear because he can’t fit it on his bike and has no room in his phone for it.

 

**Blue:** Of course I don’t want to leave the bear! I paid $15 to win it!

 

**Comic:** u did what now

 

**Razz:** You didn’t win anything. I won it for you, and it only cost me $3.

 

**Red:** lmfao thats pretty fucking gay

 

**Red:** we went to one of those rigged games too

 

**Slim:** way to go bro

 

**Comic:** red how come u never do stuff like that 4 me

 

**Red:** uh

 

**Stretch:** please dont bring any of your relationship issues to the chat

 

**Slim:** well, we're letting blue and razz stay in here, aren't we?

 

**Red:** shit slim over here pullin out the big guns

 

**Blue:** Papy, I’m serious, I want to keep this bear.

 

**Razz:** I still think we should just burn it.

 

**Blue:** WE ARE NOT BURNING THE BEAR, FOR THE LAST TIME!

 

**Stretch:** why do you want to burn the bear

 

**Razz:** It could be fun.

 

**Slim:** you only want to burn it because that one bear monster made fun of your bandana when we were kids, don’t you?

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has kicked  _ **_Slim_ ** _ from the chat! _

 

**Red:** ooo guys were starting to unlock his tragic backstory

 

**Comic:** well some1s gotta go 2 save the bear from his fiery demise

 

**Stretch:** lets vote

 

**Stretch:** i vote red

 

**Red:** i vote you ya bitch

 

**Comic:** stretch

 

**Razz:** Ash Trash.

 

**Blue:** Papy!

 

**Stretch:** oh for fucks sake

 

**Stretch:** fine

 

**_Stretch_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Blue:** Yes! :D

 

**Razz:** I still think it’d be fun to burn it.

 

**Blue:** You can burn something once you get to your own house.

 

**Comic:** y didnt u try 2 win a bear for me red

 

**Red:** you didnt want the fucking bear, you just fell asleep while holding the softball

 

**Comic:** avenge me

 

**Blue:** Speaking of which, how did you manage to win the bear on your first try?

 

**Razz:** I cheated.

 

**Blue:** What?!

 

**Red:** dam 

 

**Razz:** Do you want to burn the bear now?

 

**Blue:** No!

 

**Razz:** Hmm. Worth a shot.

 

**Comic:** red uve never cheated @ a game 4 me :(

 

**Red:** ffs sans what do you want from me

 

**Comic:** fetch me a bottle of ketchup young squire

 

**Red:** ugh

 

**_Red_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Comic:** holy shit i cant believe that actually worked

 

**Blue:** Papy just got here! The bear lives!

 

**Razz:** Unfortunately.

 

**Blue:** >:P

 

**Blue:** See you later, Comic!

 

**Comic:** peace out bean sprout

 

**_Blue_ ** _ has left the chat!  _

**_Razz_ ** _ has left the chat! _

**_Comic_ ** _ has left the chat! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Razz didn’t cheat. Headcanon that he actually plays softball, and was the best fast-pitch in the entire underground. He started playing because Slim was the catcher- as it required the least amount of movement- and Razz wanted an excuse to hurl things at his brother's face in the name of sport.
> 
> Also, Blue was trying to win the bear itself for Razz, mostly due to the (miniscule) similarities he saw between the both. He got the idea from an anime he watched with Alphys the day before, where the main character was at a fair with his love interest and he won her affections by giving her a stuffed animal. They fucked on the ferris wheel later.  
> (Did Blue think they would fuck since Razz won him the stuffed animal or didn’t he: the world may never know.)


	4. Forget Big Brother, The Edgy Gay Fish Is Always Watching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Titles:  
> Okay But For Real, How In The Hell Does One “Smirk Loudly”?
> 
> Don’t You Just Hate It When Your Intrusive Gay Thoughts™ Almost Get You Killed
> 
> Let’s Face It, At This Point In Time, We’re All Alphys And Undyne

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know what you guys were expecting next, but it probably wasn't this

Razz sat at the table, calmly working a crossword and drinking a coffee. Normally, he wouldn’t touch the stuff, but he had training scheduled with Alphys today, and there was no way in hell he was facing that without any caffeine. He heard a shuffle come from the upstairs rooms, and soon after his brother walked into the kitchen, hunched over and navigating the floor with his eyes still closed. He turned to look at Razz, cracking one eye open.

 

“Why the hell are you up so early?”

 

Razz took a sip of his coffee. “It’s 10 am, Papyrus. Why the hell are  _ you _ up so early?”

 

He opened the freezer and reached into the back, pulling out a frozen waffle before biting a chunk out of it, making Razz grimace. “I’unno.” He looked at the crossword that Razz was filling in. “Why the hell do you have the hobbies of an old man?”

 

Razz scoffed, filling in the next row of letters. “I don’t know. Why the hell do you have the eating habits of a fucking heathen?”

 

Slim shrugged, taking another bite of the (still cold) waffle. “It’s just part of my natural charm, baby.” His mouth was still full, and Razz fought the urge to scold him for it. No doubt, if he said anything, Slim would shove the rest of it in his mouth before talking as obnoxiously loud as physically possible. Best to just let it go. As Slim walked past the table, he leaned over, looking at the crossword. He tapped one of the clues with his finger.

 

“The answer is ‘pusssy destroyer nine-thousand’, three s’s.” Razz groaned, smacking the other’s hand away.

 

“Just get to your job on time, asshole, and leave me alone.” Slim cackled, walking into the living room to put on his sneakers.

 

Razz shook his head, grumbling. “Pusssy destroyer nine-thou- IT DOESN’T EVEN FUCKING FIT IN THE ALLOTTED NUMBER OF SPACES!”

 

He heard the door shut with another laugh from Slim, and he sighed, getting up and dumping the remainder of his coffee into the sink before washing the mug. He was using a rag to dry it when his phone started to ring. He looked at it apprehensively, already knowing who it was and what it was for.

 

He picked it up, bracing himself before hitting Accept.

 

“Hello?”

 

He had to pull the phone away from his head at the volume. “HEY, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!”

 

He paused. “Glad to hear from you too, Alphys.”

 

He heard a heavy sigh come from the receiver. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. You’re my best friend, yada yada yada, get your ass over here.”

 

He put the mug in the cabinet, shifting the phone to his other shoulder. “You told me not to come over until noon?”

 

“Yeah, well. I found something out, and I need you here to go over it with.” Her words sounded ominous, but he could hear a smirk in her voice. He shook his head, sighing out of his nose.

 

“Fine. I’m leaving right now. But I swear to God, if I walk in on you and Undyne making out again I’m leaving and never coming back.”

 

“Oh my God, Sans, that was one time!”

 

He chuckled as he hung up, closing the newspaper he was doing the crossword in and setting it neatly on the table before walking to the hall closet to get out his boots. He slipped them on, pausing in front of a mirror to check his reflection and to make sure he had his armor in his dimensional box before walking out the door to the garage. He heard his phone give a familiar chime in his pocket, the text-tone he had set for Blue.

 

He checked the time before sighing.

 

He was already going to get to Alphys’ late, and taking time to respond to the other would only increase the chance of him having to replace the door ( _ again _ ). He paused as he grabbed his helmet, the guilt of ignoring the other heavy in his soul. This damned crush was making him go soft!

 

…

 

He revoked that thought. No way in hell did he have a crush.

 

...

 

Razz pulled out his phone, sending Blue a text that he couldn’t talk at the moment due to training. The other apologized for bothering him, and wished him luck. Razz pocketed his phone with a huff before quickly pulling on his helmet to try to hide his blush. He sighed, getting on his bike before pulling out of the garage to drive to Alphys’.

 

As he drove, he found his mind wandering to when he had ridden on Blue’s motorcycle with him. He wondered if the other would ever ride on the back of his bike with him. There wasn’t as much room on the seat as compared to Blue’s bike, so the other would probably have to sit a lot closer to his back than if otherwise, and he would probably end up almost laying against his back. If he thought about it, he could almost imagine the warm press of the other against his-

 

He snapped back to reality. “SHIT!”

 

Razz swerved quickly to avoid a dog that had trotted out into the road before righting himself, sweating slightly. Right. His grip on the handlebars tightened. It’s probably best to just focus on driving.

 

When he got there, he barely had time to take off his helmet and turn off his bike before Alphys ran out and grabbed him by the collar, yanking him along after her as she ran into the house. He stumbled around in shock before growling, grabbing her arm and twisting quickly in her grip, throwing her off balance. He used this chance to shoot out his fist, catching her under the arm and causing her to loosen her grip with a curse. He wrenched himself away from the lizard, forming a bone club with a smirk as she snarled and formed her signature battle axe.

 

Alphys cackled, swinging the weapon over her head at him. He rolled off to the side, bringing the bone in his hand above his head to block her next downwards strike. Razz jumped back, laughing, as she swung again. And again. And again.

 

She let out a frustrated snarl. “STOP FUCKING DODGING AND FACE MY ATTACKS YOU BITCH!”

 

Razz laughed, dodging another swipe of her axe and batting a magic projectile out of the air. “What can I say? It’s just part of my fighting style.”

 

Alphys went in for another attack, feigning left before hitting right. Razz was barely able to block it and lost his balance, leaving Alphys to press forward with attack after brutal attack. “Your fighting style is for PUSSIES!” She accented this point by bringing in her axe for another swing, Razz taking his club and swinging it as well.

 

Both weapons clashed, knocking their holders back across the room. They both caught their balance before giving each other a sharp grin. They rushed forward, lifting their respective weapons before they stopped, stuck.

 

Razz struggled to move his feet from his place, cursing. “What the fuck?” He looked down to see that his soul had been turned green.

 

Oh fuck.

 

A glance up at Alphys showed the lizard to be in a similar predicament, looking bashfully across the room to where a fuming Undyne stood in the doorway. The fish monster glanced over to Razz, then moved her glare to Alphys. He let out a sigh of relief at having the angry stare off of him.

 

“Alphys, w-what have w-we talked about fighting in the house?” Undyne reached up to her hair, tucking a few loose strands that had fallen out of her bun behind her fins.

 

Alphys lifted up her arm quickly, pointing at Razz. “He started it!”

 

Razz sputtered. “I did fucking not!”

 

Alphys turned to him, wrinkling her nose. “Yuh-huh!”

 

Razz knew that if he wanted to end this argument before it began, he would need to come up with an eloquent response. 

 

“Nuh-uh!”

 

Nice.

 

Alphys turned back to Undyne before widely gesturing back to Razz. “I was trying to show him the gay thing!” She said, trying to appease her still-fuming wife.

 

Razz paused, before looking at the other suspiciously. “If you and Undyne made a sex tape, I do  _ not _ want to know about it.”

 

The green attack faded and Alphys scoffed, walking towards Undyne. “Honestly. Even if we  _ did  _ make a sex tape, you wouldn’t be the first person we would show it to.”

 

“And I thank you for that. What gay thing are you talking about? And it better not be more of your anime fanfictions.”

 

Undyne laughed. “W-well, if you r-really want to read s-something, we have s-some friendfictions that w-we’ve recently wrote.” Her and Alphys shared a glance, exchanging a smirk.

 

Razz dusted himself off, checking for any damage to his clothes. “I personally think that that’s even worse.”

 

He followed the couple into their living room cautiously, Alphys flopping onto the sofa before patting the seat beside her with a large grin. Undyne, with a similar gleam in her eyes, walked over to her laptop, which was plugged into the television. He stood beside the couch, not trusting the lizard enough to not noogie him if he got too close. Undyne made a few keystrokes on the laptop before turning over her shoulder and looking at Razz.

 

“So y-you know how I have cameras pretty much a-anywhere and everywhere?”

 

Razz paused, glancing over at Alphys- who was excitedly bouncing her legs up and down- before looking back to Undyne. “...Yeah?”

 

Alphys offered him a drink, which he politely declined by grabbing it and then dropping it on the ground on his other side. He looked back up at the television, and was glad that he didn’t take the drink because if he did, he’d be doing one hell of a spit take right about now. On the screen was an edited video of him and Blue: the two of them entering the kitchen, posing and joking around, Blue grabbing his hand. A video of him carrying Blue bridal-style was heavily edited, with a poorly drawn tux on Blue and a wedding dress on himself. Cartoon hearts were floating in the air around them.

 

“WHAT THE FUCK!!” He screeched. Alphys was laughing so hard that she had fallen off the sofa, and Undyne had tears streaming down her face.

 

“WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE CAMERAS IN MY FUCKING HOUSE!!” He was doing his best to resist the urge to launch both of them through the window.

 

Undyne managed to calm down enough to take a deep breath. “A-actually, the cameras are only i-in your kitchen.”

 

Razz was shaking at this point, and he was certain his entire face was a deep shade of purple. 

 

“That’s not any better!” Was there a seat behind him? He needed to sit down for a bit.

 

Alphys chuckled, wiping a tear from her eye and smirking. “That. Was fantastic.” She turned to look at Razz. “Now that you’ve seen our fan video, maybe you wouldn’t mind looking at our friendfiction now?” Razz slowly turned his head to look at his so-called “best friend”.

 

“Alphys, what the actual fuck.” She laughed.

 

“Hey, Undyne! How did that one line go again?”

 

Undyne snorted before suppressing her laughter, placing her hand on her chin in mock thought. “Hmm. I believe it w-went something like ‘Blue smirked loudly b-before impaling the blushing schoolgirl Razz on his c-cyan man log’.”

 

Razz got up, ready to sprint to the door to get out of this hellhole, before he was tackled by Alphys. She put him in a headlock and he struggled to get out of it as she used her other fist to rub roughly against his skull.

 

“DON’T NOOGIE THE SKELETON!” She stopped her assault on his head but didn’t let him go, instead keeping one of her arms firmly locked around his shoulders to prevent his escape.

 

“Hey, come on, buddy. This is our way of offering you help in your escapades to get the Blue Booty.” He looked over at Undyne, who nodded and gave him a thumbs up.

 

“Okay, who the hell said that I wanted to date Blue? I don’t have a crush on him!” Alphys and Undyne exchanged a look before looking back at him.

 

“N-no offense, Sans, but a majority of y-your contact with each other has b-been really fucking gay.” Alphys nodded sagely, and Razz held his tongue before he said something about her only agreeing to please her wife. He scowled.

 

“Most of our contact has  _ not  _ been really fucking ga-” he paused. He thought of when the other spent the night at his house, and how they had cuddled in their sleep, him having one of the best nights sleep in a while. He thought of when the other invited him to the fair, and how he had won a bear that he knew the other had been eyeing and gave it to him so he could see him smile. He thought of how he had set a ringtone specific for Blue himself, so he would always know when the other was calling. His soul warmed and gave a loud thump.

 

…

 

“Oh no.”

 

Alphys barked out a laugh, clapping him on the back and making him wince. Undyne snickered as she (thankfully) closed the laptop and turned off the tv. She walked over and he looked up at her, then back down to Alphys. He sighed heavily.

 

“I take it that the two of you aren’t really giving me a choice in the matter?”

 

Alphys grinned. “We’re giving you two choices actually.”

 

Undyne nodded. “Choice number one: Y-You ignore the crush and d-drop all contact with the other until th-the feeling goes away, burying your emotions d-deep inside. Similar to what I did w-with my crush on Queen T-Toriel.”

 

Alphys blinked. “Wait, you had a crush on Queen Tor-”

 

“Not important. Or choice n-number two: You let us help you, and in exchange w-we get to see our OTP have babies and s-shit.”

 

Razz blinked at the two of them, frowning. “And how the hell would you two plan on even helping?”

 

Undyne seemed lost in thought. “I d-don’t know, honestly. I didn’t think that we would g-get this far.”

 

Alphys grinned. “Well, if you two decided to do a cooking date, I could be the judge!” She puffed out her chest proudly. Razz looked at her, nonplussed.

 

“Alphys, you’d be a fucking terrible judge.” 

 

(She had offered to judge, one time, when he and Chara were having a cook-off after being inspired by Chopped. About halfway through the first dish, she screamed, frustrated, before jumping in and beginning to punch things to add “true passion” to the mix. The kid had gotten away safe, but Razz had barely escaped the chaos with his life.

 

There still was a large crack in his countertop from where she body slammed a tomato.)

 

Alphys scoffed. “Please. I’ll have you know, I consider myself to be an  _ excellent  _ food critic.”

 

Razz looked at her skeptically. “Oh really? And why, pray tell, is that?”

 

She glanced over at Undyne, every one of her sharp teeth showing as she predatorily grinned. “I’m an expert at eating out.” She laughed at the disgusted look on Razz’s face, and Undyne joined her, the fins on the side of her face flattened against her face in slight embarrassment. Razz gagged.

 

“Oh my God, what the fuck.” This only made the brash lizard laugh even louder. “Why the hell am I friends with you.”

 

Alphys’ chuckles died down and she smirked. “Because. If you ever tried to stop being my friend, then I would hunt you down and kick your ass.”

 

Razz sighed, rubbing his temples and trying to rid his mind of the past few minutes. He agreed to whatever they had planned, and they both squealed before launching into tirades on what to do to get the “boy of his dreamz. Dreamz with a z, of course, to make it even dreamzier”. After finishing taking notes, after prompting from Undyne, he looked over the pad of paper. He wouldn’t admit it but… there actually were some decent ideas amongst the ones that were absolute bullshit.

 

He put the pad of paper down, relieved to be going in the backyard for some actual training instead of relationship shit. Alphys was happy to oblige, trotting after him with a look of mad glee that she always got when she wanted to beat the shit out of someone. He opened his phone, equipping his armor: his slightly-scratched-but-still-polished-’till-it-shined training chestplate and gloves with sharp spikes on the side of them.

 

He preferred to keep his armor lightweight and flexible. Granted, it would offer little real protection if he took a strong hit, but the lighter material meant that he could move quicker, making him harder to hit in the first place. This dodge-and-strike tactic was something that he had found that all Sanses did, regardless of the universe. And Alphys hated it.

 

He turned, seeing that she had also donned her training armor and was hunkered low into a battle stance, her nose twitching slightly above her sneer, and her large, trunk-like tail lifting and thumping repeatedly on the ground. It was an intimidation tactic, one that was effective in those who had never really seen it before. She formed a large axe from yellow magic, hefting it into her arms and lowering her head as her sneer widened. 

 

“Well? Are you going to attack first, or should I make the first move?” She glanced up to the air behind Razz and he rolled to the side, looking up just in time to see three smaller axes slice through the air from behind where he was standing. With that, she charged forward with a battle cry, hefting the axe over her shoulder. 

 

Razz sent a flurry of bones in her direction, forcing her to slow slightly to dodge them, before creating a wall of bones as a shield as she brought the weapon down. It sent a resounding crack through the area, the bones that she hit snapping in half from the force. She batted the now weak constructs aside, intending to hit their maker next, before she stopped, confused. Razz had disappeared while she had been distracted. 

 

She turned her head around the yard, growling. “COME OUT AND FIGHT ME YOU COWARD!”

 

A slight rustle was the only warning given before Razz leapt from a nearby tree, bringing his club down as purple flames poured up from his socket. Alphys laughed, bringing to handle of her axe over her head to block the attack.

 

Now  _ this _ was more like it.

 

After training, Razz packed his armor back up in the same manner it was before, give or take a few scratches and dents, and grabbed his helmet, turning to the two standing behind him. He glared up at Undyne. “I hope you know, I’m taking down, and destroying, every single camera you put up in my kitchen.”

 

She grinned, her shark-like teeth glinting in the light. “G-good luck finding all e-eleven of them, bitch.” Razz scowled before leaving, grumbling something about the “stupid fucking tech-savvy sushi nowadays”. He patted the front pocket of his jacket, where the paper he had taken notes on was folded. A small smile decorated his face as he put on his helmet, exiting the driveway.

 

His chest gave a thump.

 

[ _ skeleton whores _ ]

 

**_Comic_ ** _ has opened a chat at 6:33pm! _

 

**_Red_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Fell_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Cream_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

 

**Comic:** so whos supposed 2 b getting things set 4 the party 2morrow

 

**Red:** we are

 

**Fell:** I think you mean that I am, because there’s no way in hell that you’d get off your lazy ass long enough to help me.

 

**Red:** you know me so well bro

 

**Cream:** If need be, I could come over and help!

 

**Fell:** Much obliged.

 

**Cream:** What’s the party for, again?

 

**Comic:** its a celebrate the fact that blue and razz r probably gonna get laid soon party

 

**Red:** we cant call it that or else theyll get suspicious

 

**Fell:** Essentially. It’s just so that we can get the two lovebirds to confess their damn feelings already.

 

**Cream:** Sounds kind of sketchy. I’m in!

 

**Fell:** I’m tired of Blue acting all forlorn about his supposed “unrequited crush” when Razz is probably acting the same way.

 

**Red:** aww thats so sweet bro you care about your friends

 

**Fell:** What. 

 

**Fell:** Where’s the kick option.

 

**Red:** i took it off bitch

 

**Fell:** I see.

 

**Fell:** I’ll be back in a moment.

 

**_Fell_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Comic:** o no

 

**Comic:** run red

 

**Red:** oh god wait

 

**Red:** help aiswofnai

 

**Cream:** ???

 

**Red:** )aidi (soda of$:@-9) ap /@ wowp

 

**_Red_ ** _ ’s phone has been destroyed! _

 

**Cream:** Oh my.

 

**Comic:** huh

 

**Comic:** i didnt kno that was an actual option

 

**_Fell_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

 

**Fell:** Anyways.

 

**Fell:** Cream, you’ll be coming over to help get things set up at Grillby’s?

 

**Cream:** Yes! Just let me know when you need me!

 

**Comic:** wait i thought u h8ed grillbs

 

**Fell:** The flame owes me a favor, and I refuse to clean vomit out of my carpet again.

 

**Comic:** aight

 

**Comic:** just wanted 2 clear everything up 4 the readers 2 erase any confusion 

 

**Fell:** Good. Glad everything is settled. See you then.

 

**_Fell_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Comic:** n e thing else we need 2 go over bro

 

**Cream:** Sans, we’re sitting less than three feet apart on the exact same couch.

 

**Comic:** o yea lol

 

**Cream:** :/

 

**_Cream_ ** _ has left the chat! _

**_Comic_ ** _ has left the chat! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus Scene: 
> 
> Alphys turned to Undyne. “Hey, babe, I thought we only put up ten cameras?”
> 
> Undyne cackled before looking at Alphys with a smirk. “W-we did. I just wanted to f-freak him out.”
> 
> “Holy shit, I love you so much.”
> 
> (also just as clarification, because i dont really think ive mentioned this but, if someone isnt in the chat when it happens then they cant see what was said. so poor razz and blue cant go back to see what is being planned lmfao ¯\\_(￣ω￣)_/¯ )


	5. Watch This Ass Turn Round Like A Fucking Model Globe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternative Chapter Titles:  
> Tiny Easter Egg!!1!11 (Not Rly An Alternate Title, Just More Of A Shoutout)
> 
> Everyone Has A Mom Friend, And If You Think You Don’t Have One, Then You're The Mom Friend
> 
> These Titles Are Just Getting Longer And More Obscure As Time Goes On And For That I Apologize

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's april 13th and my homestuck phase is coming through i fucking hate it

Razz looked at his reflection in the mirror, turning from side to side to examine his outfit. Black ripped jeans, a plain red shirt, combat boots, and a black leather jacket with gold accents. As his brother would eloquently put it, he looked “edgy as fuck”. 

 

He narrowed his eyes at his reflection, reaching up and popping the collar of his jacket. He paused. Pushed the collar back down. 

 

…

 

Or did it look better up?

 

He heard a groan come from outside his door.

 

“MoooOOOOOOoom. Are you ready to go yet?” Razz sighed, giving his figure a last look over in the mirror and a confident smirk at his reflection, before opening the door to see Slim sprawled out in the hallway. He lifted his arm off of his eyes to drop it on Razz’s boots.

 

“Fucking finally. Are you done prissing over your reflection, your  _ majesty _ ?” He mocked. Razz kicked the arm off of the top of his boots so that it landed on the other’s face. Slim gave a curse before hauling himself off the carpet. Razz patted his pocket as he went down the stairs, checking to make sure his abridged notes were still with him. 

 

(He had taken the notes from Alphys and Undyne and went over them in private, sorting out the ideas into one of two categories: Absolute Shit or Socially Acceptable. Things like “suck his dick under a table” and “be wearing a scanty maid costume the next time he sees you” were thrown into the fiery pits of hell where they belonged, whereas “give out compliments” and “copy his body language to show interest” were written onto a separate list.

 

One of the ideas, being “kill/maim/threaten any other potential love interests” was wrestled with for a while before he decided to burn it with the others. He would not be yandere, dammit.)

 

“Fuck off, I was not in there for that long. Not everyone just picks up whatever clothes are lying closest to them on the ground before throwing them on.” He turned back to see Slim making faces at his back. He stopped once he was caught, turning and pretending to be intently scrutinizing the painting of a bone hanging on the wall, placing his hand on his chin and nodding thoughtfully. He glanced over at Razz, and acted as if he just noticed the other was standing there.

 

“Hmm, what was that? I’m sorry, Bradley, but your long, uneven emo bangs are muffling your monotonous voice, and I can’t understand you.” Razz huffed, flipping the other off. “No, but seriously bro. Could you get anymore biker emo?” He paused seemingly in deep thought. “Well, I guess maybe if you wore some eyeliner or something.”

 

Razz scoffed, opening the door and walking out, his brother in tow. “Please. If I was wearing eyeliner right now, I would look fucking hot, and you know it.”

 

Slim coughed out a laugh. “Yeah. I’m pretty sure that if you did, Blue would end up wanting to jump your boNES!” He voice crescendoed at the end before being cut off with a loud groan, Razz having kicked him in the back of the knee to make him fall down. Razz cackled as he kept walking into the shed, hearing a pop as he walked through the door. His brother had teleported from where he was laying on the ground onto the floor in the shed, still sprawled out in his spread eagle position.

 

Razz stepped over him- on him, actually- and walked over to where the machine was, selecting Underfell and booting it up. He leaned against the wall, crossing one leg over the other. He tapped his fingers on his arm, and stood straight. He clasped his hands behind his back, tapping his foot. Slim was watching his fidgeting with one eye cracked open.

 

“You nervous, bro?” He stopped shifting.

 

“No? Why the fuck would I be nervous?!” Razz said, nervously.

 

…

 

Fuck.

 

Slim chuckled, closing his eye again and almost instantly falling asleep. The portal opened immediately after. Razz blinked at him, scowling, before bending down to pick him up by the collar and dragging him through the portal. He kicked him once they were both through, but Slim kept snoring. Razz growled, grabbing the collar  _ again _ and dragging his brother through the yard, around front, and into the house. As soon as he walked through the door, he dropped him, taking off his shoes.

 

Fell walked out what Razz assumed to be the kitchen, wiping his hands dry on a towel. He looked Razz over before trailing his eyes down to where Slim was still sprawled out on the floor, sleeping. His eyes moved over to where Red was laying in a similar position, his upper body hanging off the couch and his shirt riding up to where it showed his lower spine. Fell grimaced. “Your’s too, huh?”

 

Razz gave a solemn nod. This one. This one understood. Fell folded the towel and placed it on the counter, turning to the shorter. “I’m honestly surprised that you managed to get him out of the house, and here early, at that.”

 

Slim lifted his head off the carpet, looking at his brother. “Wait what the fuck? Early?”

 

Razz looked over his shoulder and smirked. “I set all the clocks ahead 30 minutes ahead so we wouldn’t be late again.” Slim let his head fall back to the carpet, looking close to tears, mourning about the possible 30 minutes more of sleep that had just been thrown away right out of his grasp. Red barked out a laugh from where he was hanging off the couch. Fell opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by someone bursting through the front door.

 

“Hello! We’re here to h-URG!” Cream dashed in the door, only to trip over where Slim was laying on the ground. Comic stood in the doorway sleepily, looking down at the pile of skeletons in front of the door. He took his hands out of his pockets, stretching them out to his sides before falling forward, flopping down on top of his brother, adding to the skeleton pile. 

 

Slim piped up from the bottom, his voice slightly strained from the weight. “Guys, get the fuck off of me.” In response to his complaints, Red got up from the floor- where he had slid from the couch earlier- before flopping on the top in a similar manner as Comic. Cream was taking pictures on his snapchat, very obviously trying not to laugh. A hand from the bottom of the pile reached out to where Razz was standing.

 

“Bro… Help me…” Razz watched apathetically as the hand flopped to the floor, motionless. He turned and walked into the kitchen after Fell.

 

“So, I guess we're just waiting for Blue and Stretch?” Fell leaned against the counter, smirking and looking at Razz out of the corner of his eye.

 

“Yes, but don't worry.  _ Blue  _ should be here shortly.” Razz didn't like the smug look on his face. Fucking honestly, it was like everyone knew something he didn’t- which was basically fucking impossible, by the way. He heard what sounded like Blue yelp from the Underfell brother’s living room, and he rushed in, eyes wide, ready to face any danger. Instead, he was met with a new addition to the ever-growing skeleton pile. Blue had apparently rushed into the house, not expecting to see a mound of monsters by the front door, and tripped over the pile, adding himself to the top of it.

 

Stretch walked into the house with a lazy grin, having witnessed what happened, looking down at the pile. Slim was futility struggling at the bottom to knock the others off of him. He met eyes with Stretch and stopped thrashing for a moment before panic alighted in his eyes, and he doubled his efforts. “Stretch! Stretch don’t you fucking dare.” Stretch closed his eyes and spread his arms out to both his sides, lifting his face to the sky as if listening to the voice of God himself.

 

Razz watched as his brother moved more in five seconds than he had in the past five weeks. Everyone else in the pile started softly chanting “jump”; aside from Cream, who was seemingly apprehensive as he, too, was almost on the bottom of the pile. “STRETCH I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I WILL  _ BURY  _ EVERY SINGLE PACK OF YOUR CIGS AND MAKE YOUR LIFE A LIVING HELL!” 

 

Stretch fell forward at that, landing on top of the pile with a small “oomph”. Slim screamed, but it was slightly muffled from where he was being crushed. Fell sighed, walking over and giving the pile a small kick.

 

“Alright. Fun’s over. Everyone get up so we can leave before we're late.” Various noises of discontent came from throughout the pile. Slim glared up at his counterpart.

 

“Ah yes. Let me just. Get up now.”

 

Cream huffed, turning his face to the side to look at Fell. “He does have a point! I. Can't really move at the moment.”

 

Fell sighed, looking over at Razz. “Help me pick up the couch,” he demanded. Razz stared as the other walked to the sofa before rolling his eyes.

 

“Well, since you asked so nicely.” He walked to the other side of the couch. They both gave a small grunt as they lifted it. “Alright. Now what?” Fell jerked his head in the direction of the pile.

 

“Chuck it on top.” 

 

Screams resounded through the pile, the most prominent of which being Cream’s startled “NYEH?!” and Blue’s panicked “MWEH!” The pile almost instantly scattered. Fell chuckled and Razz huffed in amusement.

 

“Heh. Knew that would work.” They set the couch back down, Fell adjusting it slightly as it was on the ground until he nodded, satisfied. Razz looked over at Blue, and had to remind himself not to stare too long (one of the main points that had been stressed during the powerpoint he was given).

 

Blue was wearing an electric blue button down, with black jeans and his regular battle body boots. His bandana was tied around his neck, topping the whole assembly off. Razz mentally rehearsed his checklist. 

 

Step one: compliment.

 

He took in a breath, walking over to Blue before he was stopped by a clap to his side. A look over at Fell showed that the other had finished mother-henning over the looks of his brother (and his boyfriend, and his brother's boyfriend, and Razz’s own brother) and was ready to get going. 

 

Blue narrowed his eyes, as did Razz, at the familiarity of the situation. Blue reached up and linked his arm through Stretch’s with a tight grin, and Razz reached up to grip the shoulder of Red- who responded, in turn, with a wince and an “Ow, fuck”. Blue was the first to speak. 

 

“So, are  _ we _ planning on teleporting to Grillby’s?” Fell rolled his eyes at the implication.

 

“Please, that idea was hardly my own. I disagreed with it as being the quickest method, but everyone else wanted to try it, and look how far it got. No real benefits were reaped from that decision.”

 

Razz furrowed his brow-bone, confused. “Wait, the quickest method to wha-”

 

Fell continued on talking, as if he was never interrupted in the first place. Razz grumbled, releasing his grip on Red’s shoulder. “Cream, Blue, Razz, and myself are all going to take my car to Grillby’s.” Cream let out a whoop of excitement. “As for the rest of you? I honestly don’t give a fuck as to how you get there, as long as you aren't anymore than five minutes behind us.” With that, he strode out the door, grabbing a pair of keys from a small bowl beside the door.

 

They walked outside to the garage, where Fell lifted the door and proudly stood to the side.

 

“Huh.” Razz found himself saying. The other three turned to look at him.

 

Fell glared at him, as if daring him to insult his car. Razz was tempted to do so. “What.”

 

“Nothing, just.” He turned a slightly confused gaze up to Fell. “Aren’t you the mom friend? I thought you were supposed to have a minivan or something.”

 

Fell stiffened, walking over to the driver’s side. “You can walk to Grillby’s, bitch.”

 

Cream seemed to be deep in thought over Razz’s previous statement. “Well, you are kinda the mom friend, though.”

 

He glanced over the three of them with false venom. “All three of you can walk. I don’t have to deal with this.”

 

Blue smacked Razz on the arm, stopping him from making anymore snide comments. “And yet,” he amended, “You still do, and we thank you greatly for it.” Fell grumbled, unsatisfied from the response. Blue hopped in the backseat, patting the chair beside him for Razz as Cream got in the front. They pulled out of the garage and started driving, the hood on the car having been put up so it was a roofless. Night had fallen in the town, and the lights of the various buildings lit up the streets as they drove closer to the city. 

 

Razz watched the lights and humans walking on the pathways until he got bored. He sighed, turning to look at Blue out of the corner of his eye. He realized that he had yet to compliment the other, and he internally cursed himself. He leaned over a bit, intending to give a small compliment, when the car turned sharply. He lurched to the side, landing face-first in Blue’s lap.

 

“We’re here.” Fell said, smugly. In that moment, Razz took back any non-negative thought he had ever had about the other. This man. This man was an asshole.

 

Cream giggled before clearing his throat, turning around in his seat to the two in the back. “Really you two? In the car?”

 

Razz pushed himself up and glared, his eyelight sparking and preparing an attack. Blue waved his hands, getting everyone’s attention before any violence could erupt. A slight blush was on his face as well. They all exited the car, and Fell locked it, placing a cage of spiked bones around around the vehicle before walking away. Cream looked over the setup. “Fell? Are you sure that's legal?”

 

Fell examined the fingers of his glove. “Do you see any police officers around?”

 

“Uh… No?”

 

Fell smirked. “Then it's legal.” Razz nodded at his sound logic. The taller continued walking to the front of the club, where a dull thump of music could be heard from inside. He nodded at a bouncer who was standing beside the door, and the monster opened it, looking over the four skeletons with an unreadable expression.

 

Razz was walking in step with Blue, but stopped as he entered the bar. There was a bar, yes, he was expecting that. But he wasn’t planning on seeing a large mass of grinding bodies of humans and monsters in the largest area of the room. A large DJ stand was set up off to the side, and a slightly angry looking ghost was nodding their head along to the beat behind the set. Razz narrowed his eyes. Funny, that ghost reminded him of Nabstabot. 

 

…

 

Must be the hair.

 

He shook his head, walking over to where the bar was set up. He took a seat at the bar beside Blue, who was chatting animatedly to Cream, the both of them taking shots in an obvious attempt at one-upmanship. They both laughed about something, and Razz looked away at the shelves of alcohol lining the back. He wished he had been here sooner so he would know what they had found so humorous. Fell sat down on his other side, and a purple fire elemental, with the top buttons on his dress shirt opened a bit too far for comfort, came over and took his order. Fell just asked for a water, as he was probably going to be the designated driver. He nodded at who Razz assumed to be Grillby, taking a sip of his drink before turning to Razz.

 

“You’re pretty shit at flirting, you know.” Razz started, clenching his fists before leveling a glare at Fell.

 

“Who the fuck said I was trying to flirt with Blue?”

 

Fell rolled his eyes. He raised a finger in the air. “One: I didn't say that you were  _ trying _ to flirt, I said you were  _ shit _ at it.” He raised a second finger. “Two: I never mentioned anything about Blue.”

 

Razz huffed, waving the bartender over before ordering a drink. “What the hell made you think that I was flirting in the first place?”

 

Fell looked up to where Blue and Cream had gotten up, going over to the entrance to greet the others who had just arrived. Grillby brought over Razz’s drink, and he gave a curt nod as thanks. “Probably that list you were very obviously checking while I was driving.”

 

Razz tensed before stopping and looking at the other. Quick, Razz, change the subject. “You weren’t paying attention to the road? Is that why you almost hit that child?”

 

Fell took another drink of water before smirking. “I almost hit a lot of children with my car, you’ll need to be a bit more specific.”

 

Razz huffed out a laugh into his drink, taking half of it in one go. Fell continued. “Do you want my advice?”

 

So much for changing the subject. “No.”

 

“Well, too fucking bad because you’re getting it anyways.” Razz scoffed, but the other continued, unperturbed. “Don’t follow a script or plan. Trust me. If Blue likes you, then he likes you in all your assholey…” He trailed off, making a vague motion with his hands like he was searching for the right words. “...awkwardness.”

 

Razz flipped him off, but digested the other's input, finishing his drink and motioning for another, looking over to the dance floor where Blue was cutting it up. He and Cream were appearing to have a dancing contest, both trying to outdo the other with the coolest moves. He did a backflip and landed it perfectly, a few of the humans and monsters around them cheering at the feat. Blue laughed, his eyelights turning into large blue stars as they always did when he was excited. A small smile graced Razz’s face before he wiped it off.

 

He heard a slight grunt and looked over to the side where Stretch was nuzzling into Fell’s neck, the latter doing his best to act unbothered. Razz sniffed the air, smelling wine alongside the normal smell of musk and sweat in the building. He rolled his eyes, downing another drink and motioning for a third. Looks like the peanut gallery decided to start the party a bit earlier than expected. Fell must have noticed it as well, since he growled. “Oh my god, are you drunk already. I swear, if you drank my expensive wine, I’m gonna kill you.”

 

Stretch laughed and slid into Fell’s lap with the confidence of someone who is shit-faced drunk. “Nope!” He said, popping the ‘p’. “Red did, though.” With that act of unforgivable treason amongst friends, he curled into Fell’s chest and nuzzled his head more firmly into the crook of his neck, beginning to purr.

 

Well. He was uncomfortable.

 

Razz downed the third drink before mock-saluting to Fell, walking over to the dance floor to join Blue and Cream. He swayed a bit as he walked, likely due to the beginning effects of the alcohol. They both greeted him with large grins, and he forced himself not to bob along to the beat like the two of them were. Cream laughed as another hard bass dropped, falling into a split on the floor before twirling his legs around, lifting them up to the ceiling as he balanced on one arm. He dropped back to the floor following a few whistles from the crowds around them, Blue clapping at the show.

 

He looked at Razz, the starry lights still in his sockets. “What about you, Razz?”

 

The mentioned shook his head. “No fucking way.” He had to raise the volume of his voice more than normal to accommodate for the pulsing beat still going on in the background. Blue hip checked him slightly, laughing.

 

“Suit yourself!”

 

Cream excused himself to go find his brother, leaving just the two of them amongst the mass of thrashing bodies. Razz tensed as the song changed, and the movement of the bodies did so as well. He watched as Blue move seamlessly with the throngs around him, and he focused on doing the same, swaying slightly to the beat and bending his knees to bob with him.

 

Blue laughed loudly at that, his grin renewed. “Now you're getting it!”

 

Razz found himself smiling back and laughing as well. They fell into a system, the both of them, dancing near enough to each other to touch if they really wanted, each movement made by the other complimented in a similar manner. An idea popped into his mind that he almost discarded. A voice in the back of his mind whispered  _ just do it.  _ He reached forward and grabbed one of Blue’s hands before he could question himself, pulling the other closer. 

 

Blue started a bit before he smiled, laughing and grabbing his other hand, pulling him even closer and continuing to dance. Whether from Fell’s assholeish advice, or from the effects of the drink that was starting to burn its way through his bones, he found himself laughing loudly, smiling as wide as the other was. He was dancing (shittily, probably) and having fun with Blue, laughing and feeling the press of a multitude of bodies around them, when it felt like the atmosphere shifted.

 

He was still dancing with Blue, yes, but everywhere the other touched him felt like a trail of fire. Razz looked over the other's face in their close proximity, noting his hazy and starred eyes, his flushed cheeks, his grinning mouth. Strange how even though Blue’s grin was one of his most prominent features, this was the first time he had really been so aware of it.

 

…

 

He heard a gentle clank. He was kissing him now. 

 

Their teeth were pressed softly together and they held each other close in the throng of bodies. He felt one of Blue’s hands come up to press at the small of his back, and his own reached up to cradle the back of his neck. He wondered vaguely why it was so dark, and realized far away from his actual mind that he had closed his eyes. They pulled back from each other, and Razz inhaled a large lungful of air he didn’t actually need. Blue took a step forward and Razz took one back, and they continued this until Razz was pressed against the wall of the club and they were once again locking mouths.

 

Razz felt a tongue sweep across the front of his teeth and he opened his mouth, summoning his own and allowing the other to gain entry. He could taste the bitter remains of the shots on the other’s tongue, and pressed his own against it needily. They wrapped around each other, neither really seeking dominance, just exploring the other’s mouth. Razz brought his tongue up to the roof Blue’s mouth, flicking the small barbell through it against the back of his teeth. Blue moaned into the kiss, and Razz suddenly came to the realization that they were surrounded by people and in public.

 

He pulled back from the kiss, panting slightly to try and reorient his mind. Blue blinked a few times, looking around and seeming to realize the same thing as Razz. They both just stared for a bit, seemingly trying to process the information before Blue smirked best he could while still panting. His eyelids lowered slightly, and Razz found himself wondering just how anyone could think that he was childish, because the look was utterly  _ sinful _ .

 

“Want to continue this somewhere more private?” Razz blinked, and found himself grinning back. Blue pulled him over to an empty booth, and started kissing him again. Razz eagerly accepted it.

 

He never did get around to complimenting the other.

 

[ _ skeleton whores _ ]

 

**_Cream_ ** _ has opened a new chat at 12:57am! _

 

**_Fell_ ** _ has joined the chat!  _

**_Stretch_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

 

**Cream:** Hey, Fell, could you come to the bathroom and help me?

 

**Fell:** Why the bathroom?

 

**Stretch:** oh hey cream

 

**Stretch:** hiw are you

 

**Cream:** They’ve hotboxed the bathroom.

 

**Fell:** Again! Are you fucking kidding me?

 

**Stretch:** tehy did WHAT

 

**Stretch:** and they didnt inveite me

 

**Stretch:** unbeleiveabel

 

**Cream:** …

 

**Cream:** Is he okay?

 

**Stretch:** peachey

 

**Fell:** He’s fine. The Grillby here doesn't cut people off because he cares more about money than their well being.

 

**Stretch:** im not even thst dunk

 

**Stretch:** drakn

 

**Stretch:** dirink

 

**Fell:** Stretch, you’re so drunk you can't even spell “drunk” right.

 

**Stretch:** ,...,,

 

**Stretch:** ive been perisnally attacjed

 

**Stretch:** no wiat dont tkae my phoene

 

**Stretch:** aisdiahd aoawhbfa

 

**_Stretch_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Fell:** We should probably get going before we’re banned for making his bathroom smell like shit again.

 

**Cream:** I’m going to need help moving them! They’re pretty… stoned?

 

**Fell:** How bad?

 

**Cream:** Well, my brother said that I was like his rock.

 

**Cream:** And Slim agreed, saying that I was the Peter to his Jesus.

 

**Cream:** And now they keep talking about how they're going to build a church on me.

 

**Fell:** What about my brother?

 

**Cream:** Red is holding up Comic’s hand and seems amazed at it's ability to “have all five fingers”.

 

**Fell:** …

 

**Fell:** Yeah, we should get going. 

 

**Cream:** Are Razz and Blue with you?

 

**Fell:** No, but I saw them stumble into one of the booths lining the walls. I think they're making out.

 

**Cream:** !!!

 

**Cream:** :D

 

**Fell:** About fucking time, too.

 

**Cream:** Do you think Grillby will kick them out?

 

**Fell:** They’ll be fine. He won’t kick anyone out unless they start fucking on the tables or something.

 

**Cream:** Ew.

 

**Fell:** I’m coming back now.

 

**Fell:** We’ll grab the lovebirds on the way out.

 

**Cream:** Okay!

 

**_Cream_ ** _ has left the chat!  _

**_Fell_ ** _ has left the chat!  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [me rn](http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/ayne.gif)


	6. Google Is Actually The Best Relationship Counselor, Everyone Else Can Go Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Titles:  
> No Surprise: The Assholes Are Assholes To Each Other
> 
> *Gasp* Could It Be?!?! A Shift In Perspective Because The Chapter Wasn’t Long Enough And I Needed To Find A Way To Make It Longer Without Making It Incoherent?!?! Hell Yea It Is!!!!
> 
> The Joke That Was The Entire Reason I First Wrote This Fic Is In This Chapter, The Whole Thing Is Over Now, Hope You Enjoyed It While It Lasted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is receiving so much attention??? for my goofy little ship fic??? i dont know how to respond but thank you guys!!??!?!?!

An alarm clock that was sitting on a bedside table was going off, performing its everyday duty. It proudly stood, giving a beep every second to ensure that it woke up whoever had set the alarm so that they wouldn’t be late. Out of nowhere, a sharp bone skewered it through the neon green numbers. The alarm gave a sad few more beeps, each getting slower and lower until they stopped. The lights that were once so proudly shown gave one final blink before flickering out, the entire display going dim.

 

Razz cracked open an eye, glaring at the offending piece of machinery.

 

Serves it right.

 

He slid out of bed, sighing a bit before rubbing his temples at his slight headache. It wasn’t the worst hangover he had ever had, but it was still unpleasant enough that he didn’t want to deal with any alarms at the moment. He went downstairs, seeing his brother lying on the table face-down. He heard a groan come from the prone form, and he took that as a sign that the other was still alive. A batch of coffee had already been brewed and he poured himself a cup, taking an aspirin before leaning against the counter. 

 

He drank his coffee slowly, intending not to make himself sick. Slim groaned again from where he was laying on the table, rolling over until he fell off, hitting the chairs on the way down and giving a small curse. Razz narrowed his eyes at the stupidity of it all. What else was he expecting? Slim lifted the arm that wasn’t pinned under his useless form, pointing in the general direction of the coffee maker.

 

“Hey, bro? Could you pour me some of the coffee I made? I’m still trying to wake up.” Razz set his mug down and picked up the pot, walking over to where his brother was lying before pouring the hot contents on him. He shrieked, darting up and running out of the kitchen, hitting the wall on his way out before once again falling to the floor.

 

He rubbed his upper arm, which is what got the brunt of the heat. “SANS, WHAT THE FUCK!”

 

Razz walked back over to the counter, drinking the rest of his coffee before putting the mug in the sink. He would wash it later. “You’re awake now, aren't you? Besides, you didn’t specify where you wanted me to pour it.”

 

He walked past the still in pain Slim, heading to the stairs to take a shower. He started the water in the bathroom, deciding to take a cold shower to be rid his hangover sooner. He stood in the frigid spray, the water running in freezing rivulets down his bones. He shuddered at the cold before he got used to the temperature, sighing in relief.

 

He held his breath- though he didn't really need to- and put his face in the water, closing his eyes to keep it out of his sockets. Another pang of his headache, and he scoffed. Honestly, he didn't even get that drunk last night!

 

_ You were drunk enough to make out with Blue _ , his mind reminded him.

 

Another scoff.  _ Yes, well, I would have made out with Blue regardless of whether or not I was drunk. _

 

The thought made him blush slightly, but he quickly put his face in the water again to get rid of it. Though the thought was true, that didn’t mean he was any less embarrassed that he did so. For fucks sake, he hadn’t even gotten around to complimenting the other. He took a cloth and was cleaning himself off with soap and water when he heard the bathroom door open. He scowled.

 

“Papyrus, get the fuck out of the bathroom.” He heard shuffling across the floor to the toilet. He heard a flush and stood, confused, until he felt the water start to heat up. Within seconds, it was scalding, and he screeched, jumping out of the shower and getting tangled in the curtain, taking both it and the entire shower rod down with him. Slim laughed as he walked out, saying something about “karma you bitch”, and Razz felt his temper snap.

 

_ He’d see how hard that bastard was laughing when he shoved the curtain rod up his ass. _

 

Unfortunately, after toweling off and getting dressed in clothes he wasn’t afraid to get blood on, he was unable to find where his brother had gone. Seemed like his trusty shovel would have to spend at least a few more days in disuse. He had set the shower rod aside for the time being, cleaning up the splattered water from the shower before sitting where he was currently at in the kitchen, scrolling through his laptop for good first date ideas. He paused, tapping on the table beside the computer, deep in thought.

 

Granted, they weren’t really dating  _ yet _ , but given the fact that the other reacted much in the same way as he did the night before, there was really nothing that needed to be worrying about. After they had been dragged out of the booth by the others, they had sat in the back fairly close while also holding hands, and he thought that Blue was flirting with him. Right? Then again, he could just be over analyzing the entire situation. He groaned softly, placing his head in both his hands. Maybe he  _ should _ have just ignored it until it went away.

 

He was interrupted in his frustration by hearing the machine in the backyard go off. Razz scowled. His brother was running away like a coward, per the norm. At least, that’s what he thought until his front door was thrown open and a frustrated looking Red stormed in. From what he could see through the kitchen doorway, the other walked around the living room as if he were searching for something.

 

Razz sighed. What the actual fuck. The other walked over to him, looking around. “Hey, have you seen Comic around recently?”

 

Razz rolled his eyes. “No. Why don’t you try calling him and get the fuck out of my house?” Red deadpanned, utterly unfazed by the threatening undertones. He reached into his jacket pocket, pulling out multiple shards of what used to be a cellphone and dumping them on the table.

 

Razz looked up at him, still annoyed. “Fair enough, though I don’t know why you would be carrying those around with you still. Why do you think he’s here, of all places?”

 

Red sighed heavily, flopping down into one of the chairs at the table. Razz made a mental note to sanitize that… general area once he left. “This was the last place that I haven’t looked.” He stated, sinking down lower into his seat and closing his eyes with a huff.

 

“Why do you need to find him so badly, anyways?” Red opened his eyes at the question, smirking and giving a small wink.

 

“I woke up with a boner.” Razz blanched. On second thought, maybe it would be better to just burn the whole table. There was no salvaging it at this point. Red disappeared from the chair, popping into view behind Razz and leaning over his shoulder, looking at the laptop.

 

“Whatcha lookin’ at there, bucko?” Razz screeched, slamming the laptop shut and turning around, throwing a punch at his face and catching him in the jaw. Red fell to the ground with a curse, having not been able to dodge, rubbing his jaw and groaning. He recovered quickly though and chuckled from his place on the ground.

 

“Heh. ‘First date ideas’? Really? That’s pretty fucking gay.” Razz growled, summoning a blaster over his shoulder and aiming it at Red. “WHOA WHOA HEY WAIT I WAS JUST JOKING!” Razz stopped to think, realizing that it would be more effort to clean the other’s dust out of the tile than it was really worth. He dispelled the blaster, and Red dropped his head back down on the floor with a relieved sigh.

 

“So, how’re things going with that anyways?”

 

Razz crossed his arms. “I’m not fucking talking to you about it.”

 

“Heh. No need ta be so pissy about it, princess.” Red closed his eyes and relaxed into the floor, seeming to try and fall asleep. Razz sat back and waited for this to happen, just so that he could wake the other up with a hard and swift kick in the ribs. 

 

“Duly noted.”

 

Red continued. “‘Sides, Blue’ll love anything that you decide to do. Hell, he’s been pining for so long thatchu could probably do the most overused first date in the book and go for a coffee and he would love it.” He smirked. “Heh.  _ Knock on wood _ .”

 

And with that he reached down, knocking on the front of his pelvis with a wicked grin. Razz froze, stuck in that odd emotion between wanting to vomit and wanted to commit second degree murder. Instead, he took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as he walked over to where the shower curtain was still laid against the wall. He picked his up, gently tapping it against the palm of his other hand and looking down at a now sweating Red.

 

“Tell you what. I’ve been meaning to use this since earlier this morning  _ and  _ I have yet to get my cardio in for the day. So, I’ve decided to  _ kill _ two birds with one stone.” He grinned, enjoying the now slightly panicked look in the other’s eyes at the slight pun. He only told puns when he was pissed as all get out, and he assumed the same must be for this one’s brother. “Because of those two facts in combination, you’re going to run. And I’m going to see just how long it takes for me to catch you.”

 

He twirled the rod like one would a baton, looking at Red- who was now on his feet and edging towards the back door- with glee. Red ran out the door and was heading towards the shed, but Razz summoned a large wall of sharpened bones to surround it. He created to blaster to hover over each of his shoulders, raw magic drifting slowly up from their jagged, gaping maws. He looked panicked, and Razz smiled a wicked grin at the fear. “Do try not to disappoint me.”

 

~~*oh my god here it is the perspective change ahhhh*~~

 

Blue picked up his phone again, thumbing it anxiously before setting it back down on his bed. He stared at it for a few moments, as if by sheer willpower alone he could make a notification pop up on the screen, before picking it up again. He saw his reflection in the black screen, wincing slightly and putting it back down. Honestly! He was acting like the crazily obsessed lover and they weren’t even dating!!!

 

…

 

Were they?

 

He groaned aloud, reaching up to fiddle with his bandana, twisting it around his neck multiple times in a row, thinking over the events of the night before not for the first time since last night.

 

They had gone on the floor to dance, and then they were dancing together, and then they were  _ kissing _ (and for the life of himself he couldn’t remember who initiated the kiss so there was no way that was any real indicator), and then  _ he _ pushed Razz back and started the next kiss, and  _ he _ was the one who pushed Razz into the booth, and  _ he _ was the one who started the next kiss and-

 

He was frantically yanking at his bandana again. He inhaled slowly and let it out, trying to calm himself. Goodness, he didn’t even know how much the other had drunk the night before. Sure, he only saw him order two or three, but then again, he only  _ saw _ him order two or three. Chances were that he may have drank  _ more  _ than Blue had seen, and didn't even remember the events of the night before.

 

_ And if he really  _ **_was_ ** _ that drunk _ , the voice in his head taunted,  _ there’s a possibility that he may have just gone along with it because he was too far gone to resist _ . 

 

Blue shot up from the bed at that, walking over to his door and throwing it open. Nope! He was  _ not  _ going to continue along that line of thought in any manner! Best to just do his best to forget about the other for now to clear his head for a bit. He walked down the stairs, seeing his brother, Comic, and Slim lounging on the couch in front of a large splay of discarded cards and snickering. He paused, looking at the setup. There were four sets of hands on the table.

 

“Where’s Red?” He questioned. This sparked a new set of chuckles from everyone.

 

“Well. My bro was in a kinda pissy mood this morning because of the hangover.” Blue winced at the mention of the very person he was trying to take a break from at the moment, but let the other continue with only a small chide of “Language.”

 

“So, I came here for a bit to let him cool down. But, there’s no real place to nap like home, so we played cards to pick the sacrifice and sent Red to go check and see if my bro was done with his tantrum.” Blue’s brother laughed and Comic continued the story.

 

“Then, since we were already playing cards and making bets and whatnot, we said that the loser had to use the dumbest excuse possible to see if Razz would let them stay.”

 

Stretch had stopped laughing sometime during the explanation and was tapping away at his phone with a small frown. He shifted the toothpick in the corner of his mouth over to the other side and spoke up, continuing the tale. “And, anyways, he’s apparently still really mad because I just got a crytype message from Red’s backup phone saying that Razz is  _ apparently _ trying to kill him with a shower rod?”

 

Blue blinked, looking over to Slim, who was nodding thoughtfully. “Ah. I know that feel, bro.”

 

Blue cringed. “Please do not use extremely outdated memes in the house.”

 

Comic pulled out his phone, looking down at the panicked messages from Red as well. “Should we uh. Get going to help him? I’d rather my boyfriend  _ not _ be murdered with a curtain rod, if it's all the same to you guys.”

 

Slim bit off the end of his sucker with a loud crunch, disposing of the stick in his pocket and pulling out another one, unwrapping it. “Pft. Well. Good luck with that, you guys.” 

 

Stretch rolled his eyes, getting up and turning to Comic, who slid off the couch. They both walked out the front door to save poor Red from his fate. Blue tapped his finger on his leg. Maybe he should…? 

 

He shook himself out of it. Nope! The other was angry, and he was just gonna stay here and go for a walk! That was the plan. He walked to the door, pulling on his boots and adjusting his bandana- which he had turned around backwards sometime during their explanation- and turning to Slim. He gestured at the cards on the table. “Would you clean these up please?”

 

Slim gave an exaggerated groan, but leaned forward anyways and started to gather the cards. Blue smiled and nodded- though no doubt after he left, Slim would stop picking up the cards and fall asleep- walking out the door and down the street. A few of their neighbors who were outside in their yards and waved when they saw him. He waved back with a smile and continued walking. 

 

Despite trying to keep his mind off the other, he couldn't help but find his thoughts drifting to Razz. It was like that one mind game that his brother had told him as a kid; when you try to think of anything  _ but _ waffles but you can't help but find yourself  _ thinking _ of the waffles no matter how hard you tried, and how you probably messed things up forever with the waffles and they would never want to see you again after what you did even though you  _ really liked waffles _ and-

 

He blinked back to reality. Okay. This was getting out of hand, and he needed advice from someone who  _ wouldn’t _ immediately contact their boyfriend with all the “tea” and then have said boyfriend spill the details to  _ everyone _ (*cough* Stretch *cough*). He’d go to Alphys and Undyne’s place and ask them about it! They would be able to give some fairly solid advice, albeit with a lot of teasing here and there, but that was to be expected.

 

He sent a text to Alphys (pretending that his finger hadn’t hovered over Razz’s contact number for a solid thirty seconds) asking if he could come over. He got an affirmative response and headed off towards their house, deciding to continue to just walk the twenty minutes to get there.

 

Things would probably turn out fine.

 

[ _ skeleton whores _ ]

 

**_Fell_ ** _ has opened a new chat at 1:37pm! _

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Cream_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Blue_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Slim_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

 

**Fell:** Anyone care to explain to me why Comic, Stretch, and my brother just stumbled through the door looking like they’ve been through hell and back?

 

**Razz:** Guilty.

 

**Cream:** Is everyone okay though?

 

**Razz:** I’m fine, thanks for asking.

 

**Slim:** you uh. still mad bro?

 

**Razz:** Turn on your location, bitch.

 

**Slim:** no thanks

 

**Blue:** You can’t just stay at our house forever.

 

**Slim:** oh god you gave me away i gotta go

 

**_Slim_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Blue:** Well, that’s one way to get him out of my house I guess.

 

**Razz:** Anytime.

 

**Cream:** How’s my brother?

 

**Fell:** He’s crying.

 

**Cream:** ???

 

**Fell:** I think they all are.

 

**Fell:** Something about them having “Run so far”?

 

**Blue:** Woah, you got him to run?

 

**Cream:** Really! How did you do it?!

 

**Razz:** I’ve found that threats of physical violence, as well as a fear of death, are wonderful motivators.

 

**Fell:** I’ll keep that in mind.

 

**Cream:** :/

 

**Blue:** You know, I don’t think that yoilva womal Bal sk

 

**Fell:** What does that mean.

 

**Cream:** I believe he was trying to say “yo land wombat ski”.

 

**Razz:** And what does  _ that  _ mean?

 

**Cream:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 

 

**Blue:** HEY, WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE EDGY ONE!?

 

**Cream:** You’re going to have to be more specific.

 

**Blue:** THE SHORT ONE!!

 

**Fell:** Razz.

 

**Cream:** Razz!

 

**Razz:** Fuck off.

 

**Blue:** Hey! This is Alphys! Blue’s a little BABY so I’m just here to confirm that you do, in fact, like h aifkqldwnwbdn wksmqldbnwbJ eid 

 

**Cream:** It’s happening again!

 

**Fell:** I’m thinking maybe it’s contagious.

 

**_Blue_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Cream:** I think thag atoab aoqbdoqnldbwofn sinpqbt

 

**Razz:** For fucks sake.

 

**Cream:** Ha! Just kidding! Thoroughly japed by the Great Papyrus!

 

**Razz:** The hell was that about.

 

**Fell:** I’m betting is has something to do with your makeout session last night.

 

**Razz:** Oh my god.

 

**Razz:** You’re worse than my brother.

 

**Fell:** I’m insulted.

 

**Cream:** I don’t really think it’s an insult!

 

**Fell:** Not everyone wants to make out with Slim though.

 

**Cream:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

 

**Razz:** Okay, that's enough, I’m leaving.

 

**Fell:** Just ask Blue out on a date already, for fucks sake.

 

**Fell:** This has taken up too damn much of my time.

 

**Razz:** Ugh.

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Cream:** ( ͡° ͜( ͡° ͜( ͡° ͜( ͡° ͜( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) 

 

**Fell:** As soon as this whole fiasco is over, I hope you know that everyone is probably going to be starting on you and Slim.

 

**Cream:** …

 

**Cream:** ( ͠° ͟ ͟ʖ ͡° ) 

 

**Fell:** Fuck off.

 

**_Fell_ ** _ has left the chat! _

**_Cream_ ** _ has left the chat! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "cream" rhymes with "meme", don't you guys think? 
> 
> (also this is shorter than the chapters usually are and im sorry oh well)


	7. Everything And Everyone You Know Is GAY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Titles:  
> So, The Dick Joke Actually Turned Out To Be Useful 
> 
> Okay But Listen, Affectionate Nicknames For Your Kinda-Partner Is A Hell Of A Lot Harder Than You’d Think
> 
> In Which Everything Is Okay, And I Cause You To Worry About The Future With An Ominous Alternate Chapter Title

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> psst hey. do you guys remember the alphyne fanfiction? ha ha.
> 
>  
> 
> [shameless self promotion](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10560830/chapters/23634864)

Razz inhaled deeply, letting the large breath out with a groan. In front of him was a small pad of paper which he had been furiously scribbling notes on. Ideas were underlined, crossed out, circled, and most certainly not stained from where he had fallen asleep and lain in a puddle of drool. A glance over at his (new) bedroom clock showed him that he had been barricaded in his room for the past hour. He leaned back, wincing as his spine popped a few times, and took in another deep breath, letting it out with a huff.

 

He heard a knock on his door, and his brother’s voice followed soon after. “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve been breathing rather heavily. If you’re snorting something, then I want in.”

 

Razz growled. “What the fuck do you want!”

 

‘“I’m boooooooooooored.” Razz heard a shuffling against his door. Slim had leaned against it before sliding down until he hit the floor.

 

“That’s not my fucking problem! Go hang out with Red or Stretch or some shit.” Another heavy sigh from the other side of the door. Razz heard a thud against the wood. And then another.

 

And another.

 

“Stop trying to bludgeon yourself on my door you shit.”

 

The demand went unfollowed. “I  _ can’t _ hang out with because they all chose this wonderful time to go on dates.”

 

Razz stood from his desk, walking over to the door and opening it with a scowl. Slim fell back into his room with a slight grunt, laying on the ground and actually managing to look quite miserable. Razz kicked him in the side. “Then go fuck Cream or something.”

 

Honestly, he would have to remember to use that line at a later date. Slim sputtered before clamping his mouth shut completely, blushing a dark orange and disappearing from the floor with a small ‘pop’. Razz heard a thump come from the other’s room and a loud curse. A wicked grin stretched across his face. “If you’re going to masturbate,  _ please _ keep the noise to a minimum!”

 

He ignored the screeched profanities thrown in his direction, opting to re-enter his room and continue to brainstorm. Should he ask him on a date first, and then ask to…  _ date _ ? Or…

 

He paused over the desk, leaning on it with one arm and tapping the wood with his finger. His eyes narrowed. For fuck’s sake. He had been top ranked in the guard in the underground, he had killed countless criminals and those accused of treason without batting an eye, he was one of the strongest monsters underground, and his name alone was enough to make many tremble in fear.

 

And he most certainly was not afraid of some damned crush!

 

He grabbed the papers on his desk, crumpling them up and throwing them in the trash can. He stared at them for a bit before grabbing a lighter from his drawer, lighting them in the trash can.

 

…

 

Okay, that was taking it a bit far. A small explosion came from the can, and he offhandedly remembered that he had thrown a lighter in there after his brother had been smoking in the house. He cursed and grabbed the fire extinguisher he kept in his room (never hurt to keep them handy, when pretty much every time Alphys came over ended in an explosion of fire) and put it out, sighing.

 

A muffled voice came from the room beside his. “Sans, what the fuck are you doing in there?”

 

“I’m making drugs, Papyrus.”

 

“I fucking knew it!”

 

Razz rolled his eyes before looking at the time. He still had no idea what to do for a date. He had gotten a few ideas the other day while on google before Red had…

 

He smirked. 

 

He knew  _ exactly _ what he was going to do.

 

He pulled out his phone, opening a private chat with Blue.

 

**Razz:** Are you busy later?

 

He set the phone down, walking over to his closet and pulling out some clothes. He looked over them appraisingly. He would have to iron them to get out any wrinkles, but other than that they were fine. His phone gave a ding from his slightly-singed desk and he walked over, checking the message.

 

**Blue:** No, why?

 

He took a deep breath. He was not fucking nervous.

 

**Razz:** We’re going on a date.

 

…

 

Okay, so that had probably been a poor decision. Recover, Razz. Cover your tracks.

 

**Razz:** If you’d like to, that is.

 

A+ recovery.

 

He saw the typing notification appear. And then disappear. And appear again. He turned off his phone and set it down. It was like a pot of boiling water. If you stared at it for too long, then nothing would ever happen. He went downstairs to press the clothes, coming back up to see multiple notifications from Blue.

 

**Blue:** Yeah, that sounds like gun!

 

**Blue:** *fun ha ha

 

**Blue:** Not gun!

 

**Blue:** That wasn’t funny.

 

**Blue:** Uh.

 

**Blue:** What time?

 

**Blue:** For the date, I mean.

 

Razz read through the messages, chuckling lightly with a small blush. He knew Blue would say yes.

 

(He didn’t know the other would say yes. He had set his phone down because the nerves of waiting for a response that he almost was certain was going to be a negative was too much for him.)

 

**Razz:** Around seven, if that works for you. Feel free to eat before, because we aren’t going to a restaurant. Can you come over here by then?

 

**Blue:** Yeah!

 

**Blue:** Sounds great!

 

**Blue:** See you then!

 

Razz smiled and found that he didn’t really mind it. A swell of warmth filled his chest.

 

Since he had a few hours before the date, he filled his time by cleaning the kitchen, and then his room, and then his motorcycle, and completely ignoring Slim when he mocked him for nervous cleaning. He didn’t nervous clean. Once everything was spotless, he decided to sit down and…  _ relax _ for a bit. It would only be a little while longer before Blue arrived.

 

Razz sat on the couch, calmly reading a book on advanced trap making. Or as calmly as he could, when every ounce of magic in his body was churning anxiously. His leg was bouncing up and down, and he glared at it before stopping the movement. A glance at his watch showed that it was almost seven o’clock, meaning Blue would be coming over any minute now.

 

His leg started bouncing again.

 

He heard the sound of a door slamming upstairs and looked to see Slim, walking down the steps and tapping away at his phone. His brother glanced up at him and clicked his tongue, jogging over to the closet to get his sneakers. 

 

Wait… Jogging? What the fuck?  

 

Razz looked critically at his brother. “Where the hell are you going in such a hurry?”

 

Slim was hopping up and down, trying to shove his foot into the shoe without untying it like a normal person. He lost his balance, cursing and hitting his back against the wall before toppling to the floor. Razz felt his eye twitch. Why the hell was he like this. It would take only  _ half _ the effort and time to just untie the knots.

 

“I’m hurrying to try to get the fuck out of dodge. Stretch texted me and told me that Blue was coming over later for a date with you, and the last thing I need is to deal with a room full of your sexual tension  _ again _ .” He managed to yank one shoe on, before crawling over to his other.

 

Razz grumbled, closing his book; he wasn’t really reading it in the first place. He fought to keep the blush off his face. “Fuck off, it’s not that bad.”

 

Slim stopped his assault on his foot to look at him apathetically. “I think you’re forgetting that we were in the same car with you and Blue after we left Grillby’s. You guys were pretty much in each others’ laps.” Slim shuddered, giving a thousand yard stare off in the distance, as if reliving the worst horrors imaginable. Razz growled at the answer, intending to tell his brother just where he could shove his shoe when the doorbell rang. And then kept ringing.

 

He checked the time. Seven exactly.

 

Slim cursed, now frantically trying to shove his left foot into the (fucking tied) sneaker, panic ignited in his eyes. Razz walked to the door, ignoring his flailing imbecile of a brother, and opened it, stepping to the side so Blue could walk in. Slim’s movements had become increasingly more frantic until he saw the other walk in. He stopped struggling at that, fake tears welling up in his eyes and a tortured wail falling from his mouth. 

 

Blue looked around for the source of the pain, but- when he saw nothing that really stood out- he turned to Razz, giving him a confused look. Razz just shook his head slowly, tiredly. There was really no good way to explain what was going on.

 

Instead, he let loose a heavy sigh, barely audible over the siren-like noise coming from Slim, the over-dramatic piece of shit clutching his shoe that he wasn’t wearing to his chest like a lifeline. Razz walked over to put on his shoes so they could get out of there as soon as possible. Blue shuffled a bit before speaking.

 

“Hey, Slim. What’s, uh… What’s up?”

 

Slim immediately stopped his screaming, answering in a pleasant tone. “Oh, hey, Blue. Ha ha, nothing much. Sorry, I didn’t notice you standing there.”

 

Blue blinked once before giving him a skeptical look. “Right…”

 

Razz finished clasping his boots, standing fully before turning to Blue. He gave a soft smile, and ignored to blush on his own face. “Are you ready to go?”

 

Blue’s eyelights became a bit brighter at that, the lights flickering into stars for a moment before settling back down into their normal display. A small blush spread across his face. “Sure! If you are, that is.” He trailed off with a nervous chuckle.

 

“Yes, but only if you are.” Razz paused and cleared his throat, embarrassed. “I… Already said that.”

 

Blue laughed again at that, clasping his hands behind his back and leaning back on his heels, seeming more at ease. “Don’t worry, because I’m still ready!”

 

“Yeah, that’s good.”

 

“Definitely!”

 

“Absolutely.”

 

Slim groaned from where he was laying on the floor, covering his face with both his hands, his shoes long since discarded. A small blush could be seen between his fingers and he mock sobbed. “Oh my fucking god this is even worse than I remember just leave already  _ please _ because the secondhand embarrassment is more than I can take.” Maybe it wasn’t mock, because he sounded very close to tears at the moment.

 

…

 

Razz smirked as an idea entered his mind. He walked over to Blue, linking their hands together and turning to wink at him. “I’m ready to leave. Only if you are, that is.”

 

Blue seemed startled at the contact at first, blushing before he realized where Razz was going with this. His grin got a bit wider. “Of course I am, Sugarcakes. I just want to make sure you’re ready to go.”

 

Razz struggled not to laugh, he, too, being slightly embarrassed. “Why, of course I’m ready to leave B-Babe, uh, Blo-Blossom Baby?”

 

Slim screeched and disappeared with a ‘pop’. Blue doubled over once he was gone and started laughing. “B-Blossom… Baby?” He managed to choke out between laughs.

 

Razz huffed, embarrassed and trying to hide his smile. “Shut up. Let’s go.”

 

He had to reluctantly let go of Blue’s hand to grab his keys and walk out the door, with the other trailing behind him with a small grin. He opened the garage and grabbed two helmets, handing one to Blue before walking to his freshly washed- and waxed- bike. He sat down and started the engine, his helmet still tucked under his arm. Blue was bouncing up and down excitedly, holding the helmet in front of him with both hands. Razz smiled and patted the seat behind him, slipping the helmet on his head. Blue pulled his on before leaping onto the bike, wasting no time in scooting forward and wrapping both his arms around Razz’s torso.

 

Razz tensed up at the solid warmth against his back. Blue laid his head on his shoulders, the helmet leaving an old patch of chill when compared to the rest of his back. It felt… different than he thought it would, but… not  _ bad _ , necessarily. He realized that he had just been sitting unmoving for a few seconds, and was glad for the helmet that covered his dark blush. 

 

He pulled out of the garage and started driving down the street. He felt Blue shift a bit, scooting forward until the front of his pelvis was pressed against the back of Razz’s. His grip on the handlebars tightened and he let out a shaky breath.

 

Now he knew what his brother had meant when he said “sexual tension”.

 

With a bit more  _ careful _ driving (he was not going to almost kill himself because he was distracted by his crush  _ again _ ) he reached the place he was planning on. They got off the motorcycle by a large park, placing their helmets into a compartment underneath the seat. A large river flowed beside the area, with the park being elevated high above it by concrete. An intricate metal fence lined the edge of the concrete barrier, preventing anyone from falling in.

 

(In his honest opinion, he believed that the fence shouldn’t be there. Anyone stupid enough to get close enough to an almost two-story fall to the water below deserved to have whatever fate met them. Besides, humans were rather buoyant when compared to a skeleton.

 

They would be fine.)

 

They walked down the street, surrounded by buildings each side. Razz looked over at Blue, who noticed the movement and turned to look at him as well. He smiled softly and grabbed Razz’s hand with his own, linking their fingers and swinging their arms a bit. Blue laughed, and Razz found himself joining in. He looked up at a sign and smirked. This was the place, alright.

 

Razz pushed open the front door, hearing the soft jingle of chimes and smelling the strong aroma of coffee. Blue walked in as he held open the door, looking around, his blue pupils wide with small yellow stars in the center. Mismatched chairs and tables were sitting in front of the door, and soft jazz music was playing from the speakers in the ceiling. Lights and chandeliers of different shapes, sizes, and colors were staggered throughout the ceiling. Soft chatter and the clinking of plates and cups filled the space between the music, and the occasional hiss of a car passing by was heard from outside.

 

(He had been in here once before after Chara had used Google to find “nearby hipster coffee places for my dumb friends”. The local coffee shop was one of the first searches to pop up, and they had excitedly asked Razz to go with them. He grudgingly agreed to what they  _ insisted _ wasn’t a date, even though they were clearly still obsessed with him. He was frustrated about it at the time- being so annoyed so as to actually make one of the workers start crying, which only made it worse- but he had enjoyed the coffee and atmosphere.

 

He wouldn’t admit it, but Chara’s “really, it’s  _ not _ a date, it’s just a fun hangout with one of my besties”-date was his main inspiration for bringing Blue here.

 

It had absolutely fucking nothing to do with Red’s vulgar comments a day or two prior.)

 

“Wow…” Blue whispered walking forward with a huge grin. He looked over his shoulder and smiled with a small blush. Seeing the other’s starred eyes and wide grin, Razz couldn’t help but agree with his statement.

 

Razz walked past Blue, brushing their shoulders together with a soft smile and walking to the counter. “Have you ever been to a coffee shop like this?” He stood in front of the order board and looked up at the menu. He felt more than saw Blue fall in place beside him.

 

“No! The closest to a place like this that I’ve been to was Starbucks. Even then, I’ve only been to Starbucks twice. One of the times was because Alphys and Undyne didn’t have enough money to pay, and they needed me to ‘bail them out’.” Blue was looking over the board at the various coffee products and the small descriptions written in chalk beside them. One of the workers started to walk over to the register, but when they saw that it was Razz standing behind it, they slowly backed off until they left the coffee mixing area. Razz was confused at the familiarity until he realized that it was the same worker he had made cry not too long ago.

 

He narrowed his eyes at the retreating form. God, he hoped that whiny bitch wasn’t the one to take their orders. He felt a slight nudge on his side and turned to look at Blue, who was looking at the coffee board. He looked back down at Razz.

 

“Do you know what an affogato is?” He asked, confused. He brought his gaze up to the menu board where Blue was looking. He looked back down at Blue and shrugged.

 

The cashier must have heard the question, because they walked over, grinning nervously. “It’s like a d-dessert coffee. A scoop of ice cream with two shots of espresso poured over it. They can also be alcoholic, but we don’t normally serve it with such unless it’s on a Friday.”

 

Blue perked up. “Oh! That sounds good! I’ll take that, please! A small one without alcohol, that is.”

 

The cashier had relaxed while Blue was talking and wrote down his order. They shakily turned to Razz. “What can I get for you, sir?”

 

Razz stared at them for a moment, enjoying their nervousness, before ordering in a terse tone. “I want a tall short macchiato made with an extra shot of espresso and three clearly defined layers. Make sure you don’t mix it.” The human nodded, jotting down notes on the order quickly. Blue cleared his throat and nudged Razz, looking at him expectantly. 

 

Razz sighed. “...Please.” He put the money on the counter, ignoring Blue’s protests about being able to pay for himself, and put all the change he received back in the tip jar.

 

The worker seemed shocked for a split second before they nodded with a small smile and scurried off to make the coffees. Blue grinned at him as they went to a table to wait for their orders. “See? Being polite wasn’t so hard, was it?” He said, teasingly.

 

Razz rolled his eyes with a huff, but didn’t bother to hide the smile playing at his mouth. “Actually, I think that was the most difficult thing that I have ever done.”

 

Blue chuckled as they sat down, looking around the coffee shop again. The music that was played over the speakers slowly faded out of hearing, and a small group of musicians walked on stage. Soon, live music filled the silent space. One of the workers brought over their orders, setting a small bowl down in front of Blue that had a spoon sticking out of the side, and very carefully placing Razz’s coffee in front of him, taking care as to not jostle it and accidentally mix the layers. Blue gave a small thanks and Razz nodded, appeased. 

 

Surprisingly enough, small talk came easy. It was a relief, honestly, since everything he had read about first dates insisted that awkward conversations were a staple of the activity. Lighthearted chatter about some hobbies or whatever annoying prank Stretch or Slim recently pulled and small laughs flowed freely between them. When Blue was halfway done with his “coffee”, he looked up at Razz.

 

“So, I’ve been meaning to ask. What do you do for a living now that you’re no longer part of the guard?” He got another spoonful of ice cream and ate it. “I mean. I typically give tours to the human crowds and interact with them. According to Alphys, I’m ‘non-threatening, cuddly, and adorable’.” He still held his spoon in his hands as he made the air quotes, looking rather annoyed at the memory. “But what about you?”

Razz held his tongue and took a drink of his coffee before he could agree to all of those statements. He set the drink down. “Since I was second in command of what used to be the guard, I usually just handle the paperwork that involves cases of potential monster hate crimes.”

 

He traced his finger on the rim of the glass. Granted, he knew more than anyone that the monsters in his universe could be murderous little dicks at times, but being on the wrong end of a death glare from Queen Toriel was enough to make most try the path for peace. Chara, along with their weird dog-cat-child-thing named Temmie, did their best to preach a message of nonviolence to both humans and monsters, and it worked, for the most part.

 

But there were always bad apples in the bunch, and quite a few humans wanted nothing but the dust of every monster scattered on the ground. They reacted with violence to many monsters, and there was just something about gaining LOVE that made them even more murderous. They were apprehended eventually, and most had already faced trial and were in jail. 

 

Reading over and filing reports about vandalism, threats, and attacks on innocent monsters wasn’t necessarily his dream job, but it could be worse.

 

He could be on dust collection duty.

 

Blue winced and hissed in a breath of air, bringing Razz back to reality. “Yikes. Paperwork is always the worse.”

 

He actually laughed at that, agreeing wholeheartedly and nodding, his somber mood broken for the time being. They both soon finished their coffees and just sat, talking. Razz glanced down at his watch and had to do a double-take.

 

They had been here for three hours.

 

Blue saw the movement, and checked the time on his phone with a wince. “Oh man, we’ve been gone for a while.” He looked up at Razz. “You ready to get going?”

 

Razz nodded and they both stood, Blue going out of his way to tell the musicians that they sounded great, and left the shop. They walked the short way back to the bike and left the downtown area, passing under streetlights and the partly cloudy stars. Razz was beginning to like the feeling of the other riding behind him. They reached Razz’s home fairly quickly, him turning off the bike and walking with Blue to the shed in the backyard. Blue started the machine, waiting for it to warm up.

 

Razz was staring at the other’s profile. He took a deep breath. Now or never.

 

“Blue, I was-”

 

“I had a lot of f-”

 

They both stopped, blinking. He chuckled, blushing, and Blue laughed bashfully. Razz cleared his throat.

 

“You go first.”

 

Blue smiled, suppressing his laughter. “I had a lot of fun tonight. Thank you for asking me.”

 

Razz smiled. “I enjoyed it too. But I was wondering… If you would- you know… I mean, you wouldn’t have to if you didn’t want to, but I was just thinking that since we, uh, kissed at Grillby’s and also went on a date just now…” Oh god, this was the most fucking embarrassing moment of his entire life, he should have kept his damned mouth shut-

 

“I’d love to date you!” Blue interrupted his thoughts, bouncing up and down on his toes with a large grin. His pupils were almost entirely blue, with small yellow stars in the center that showed his excitement. Razz smiled back before he could catch himself, feeling his own magic making his pupils flicker into stars for a moment. 

 

The portal opened soon after, and Blue started to walk towards it before he stopped. He nodded decisively, as if winning an argument in his head, and turned back on his heel towards Razz. He marched forward and stopped in front of him, leaning forwards until his teeth touched Razz’s own in a small peck. He pulled back with a grin, a blue blush dusted across his cheekbones. Razz was certain he looked the same way.

 

Blue walked back towards the portal at that, turning to look at Razz over his shoulder. “See you soon,” he said, his grin turning a bit wider, “‘Blossom Baby’.” And with that he stepped through, leaving a very flustered Razz stammering in the shed.

 

Razz watched the portal close, waiting until it was fully shut to laugh in excitement.

 

Fuck.

 

Yes.

 

[ _ skeleton whores _ ]

 

**_Cream_ ** _ has opened a new chat at 11:03pm! _

 

**_Stretch_ ** _ has entered the chat! _

**_Slim_ ** _ has entered the chat!  _

**_Fell_ ** _ has entered the chat! _

**_Blue_ ** _ has entered the chat! _

 

**Cream:** Blue, how did your date go?

 

**Stretch:** yeah bro

 

**Stretch:** howd it go

 

**Fell:** Did the two of you fuck?

 

**_Blue_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Slim:** aww fell what the fuck

 

**Slim:** you scared him off

 

**Fell:** I need to mentally prepare for when someone inevitably gets knocked up and I’m left to babysit all the fucking time.

 

**Cream:** I’d be fine with babysitting!

 

**Slim:** don’t you already do that with your brother all the time?

 

**Stretch:** oh shit rip comic

 

**Cream:** No, that’s called “Brothersitting”, and it mostly just consists of me making sure that he doesn’t sleep in so late that he’s late for work.

 

**Slim:** hm

 

**Fell:** In any case, I think we should all be ready, because I have no doubt in my mind that Blue will waste no time in fucking him whenever or wherever he can.

 

**Stretch:** oh my god

 

**Slim:** i’m agreeing with stretch here i don't want to think about my bro fucking someone

 

**Cream:** Subject change!!! Quickly!!! Stretch and Slim, how did they react once the date was over???

 

**Stretch:** he skipped in before seeing me on the couch and stopping

 

**Stretch:** then he walked upstairs to his room and i heard a loud whoop and a large crash

 

**Stretch:** he had bumped into his shelf and made it fall over so i had to fix it

 

**Slim:** ha ha rip

 

**Cream:** Slim, what about you?

 

**Slim:** okay so

 

**Slim:** get this

 

**Slim:** he walked in the house, thinking i wasn't home, with an  _ actual smile _

 

**Fell:** You’re shitting me.

 

**Slim:** i do not shit you my sir

 

**Slim:** both sides of his mouth, lifted up in happiness

 

**Fell:** I’ll believe that he wasn’t smirking when I see it.

 

**Slim:** [image attachment]

 

**Cream:** !!!!

 

**Stretch:** o h  m y  g o d

 

**Fell:** Huh.

 

**Slim:** this picture caused me a cracked phone screen so you best be appreciating

 

**Fell:** Well, things seem to be going as planned with them.

 

**Fell:** Slim, Cream, it’s your turn next.

 

**_Slim_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Cream:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

 

**Stretch:** where the fuck do you get all those faces

 

**Cream:** ¯\\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯ 

 

**Fell:** If you make the first move, then we won’t have to interfere.

 

**Stretch:** im thinking maybe we shouldnt interfere in the first place

 

**Cream:** (° ͜ʖ°) 

 

**Fell:** Sorry, Cream.

 

**Cream:** Wait, sorry for what?

 

**_Fell_ ** _ has kicked  _ **_Cream_ ** _ from the chat! _

 

**Stretch:** wait i thought red took that off after you kicked everyone out of the chat but yourself

 

**Fell:** I made him put it back on, but only for myself.

 

**Fell:** I have ultimate kicking privileges.

 

**Stretch:** …

 

**Stretch:** ☆ﾍ(｀･ω･)ﾉ┌┛ <\--(this you?)

 

**_Fell_ ** _ has kicked  _ **_Stretch_ ** _ from the chat! _

  
**_Fell_ ** _ has left the chat! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based off a small coffee shop in my hometown!! i like to go there to hang out and enjoy the atmosphere, and also so me and my friend can make fun of the hipster teenagers who are trying to discreetly smoke weed in the back corner. i dont like coffee but theres usually pretty cool performances by local musicians and others. [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfnyFBKrCDk) was one of my all time favorite performances! 
> 
> [okay but no doubt in my mind that blue got there 3 minutes early and waited until it was exactly 7 to start ringing the doorbell]


	8. When Your Friends Won't Stop Bugging You About Your Relationship, You Get Angry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Titles:  
> For The Love Of All That’s Holy, Please Don’t Have Sex When You Have Company Over
> 
> That Feel When You’re Still In Denial When It Comes To Your Fucking Crush, Goddammit Razz
> 
> 10101111 01011100 01011111 00101000 11000100 00101001 01011111 00101111 10101111

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [lol](https://www.binarytranslator.com/)

When monsters first came to the surface, they had to find ways to fit into the niches created by society. Oftentimes, this involved joining different clubs and jobs, fully integrating themselves into the surface. Because of this, humans came to know the monsters better than they would have had their cultures stayed separated. In such, they came to know that monsters, similar to humans, are creatures of habit.

 

The Mt. Ebbot fire station knew these things just as well as anyone. For instance. Today was a Tuesday. The second Tuesday of the month, in fact. Meaning that, more likely than not, they would soon be getting a call from an angry skeleton and a buff lizard.

 

Razz squinted at the box of taco seasoning in his hand. “It says ‘let simmer’.”

 

Alphys cackled, ignoring him entirely in favor of turning the knob on the heat up high enough to break the thing off. The pan soon caught fire afterwards, and he took the fire extinguisher that had been hooked on his belt off. He sighed. When she had offered to help him “learn how to make tacos so you can impress your new boyfriend!!!”, he wasn’t really sure why he had expected anything other than this.

 

Alphys mocked his cowardice of the flames, banging her tail on the ground hard enough to cause the items on the counter to shake. He scraped the burnt remains off the pan- for the second time that day, no less- and scowled, sticking his tongue out at her.

 

“Say what you will, but Undyne said that if we blow your kitchen up one more time, then we wouldn’t like the outcome.”

 

Alphys stilled her tail on the ground, smiling a wicked grin. “Wait, are you afraid of her?”

 

Razz finished rinsing the pan, placing it back on the stove to give it a third go, setting the fire extinguisher on the counter near the stove for when they would inevitably need it again. “You aren’t?”

 

The grin fell off her face and she looked to the side with a sniff. “Fuck off.”

 

He smirked, adding another packet of taco seasoning and cooking it to the instructions this time. Alphys had walked up behind him, putting her mouth uncomfortably close to his ear. “Psst, Razz.”

 

Razz flinched away from her, gagging and rubbing the side of his skull with his glove. “Oh my fucking god you spit in my fucking ear you bitch!”

 

She ignored him, instead smiling wickedly and continuing to speak. “You and Blue are gaaaaaaaaaa-”

 

He sighed heavily. This was the third time this had happened in the past hour. “Alphys, shut the fuck up, I swear to god.”

 

She continued to stretch out the vowel, hopping back a few steps when he swung a wooden spoon at her threateningly. “-aaaaaaaay.”

 

He slammed the spoon down on the counter, reminding himself that he needed to finish this dish- without burning it, preferably- to make sure that he would know what he was doing when Blue came over later today. Alphys started gnawing on her claws. He fought the urge to reprimand her for the disgusting habit. “Seriously, though. When am I going to meet him?” Razz rolled his eyes and she hunkered down, clenching her claws into fists and sneering. “I’m serious! I need to see him in person so that I can FIGHT HIM!!”

 

Razz had been wiping down the mess on the countertop and adjusting the heat on the stove, but he tensed and turned around slowly, glaring at his friend. “You’re  _ not _ fighting my boyfriend.”

 

He heard a squeal come from around the corner- Undyne, probably- and winced. It sounded almost similar to that one time he had stepped on the Annoying Cat’s tail. 

 

(Accidentally, of course. He would  _ never _ try to injure the entirely obnoxious beast on purpose.)

 

Alphys continued, ignoring the noise. “I  _ have _ to fight him because I’m your best friend! As such, I need to KICK THE ASS of anyone who tries to date you, making their life difficult and ruining their reputation!” A crazed glint filled her eyes at the thought. Razz assumed that she must have gotten this idea from an anime.

 

Undyne finally poked her head around the side of the doorway and grinned in the slightly terrifying mad scientist way that only she was capable of doing. “S-so you two are d-dating now?”

 

Razz huffed, willing his blush to go away. Honestly, he had been fucking dealing with people acting like this every since he and Blue had gone on their first date days ago. He should be used to it by now. “Have been for a few days, yes.” He answered tersely. 

 

Undyne wasn’t deterred, however, and Alphys’ snickering only seemed to agg her on. “So when are y-you two going t-to fuck?”

 

His blush came back tenfold and he growled. “HONESTLY, WHY IS THAT SUCH A BIG FUCKING QUESTION FOR EVERYONE?!”

 

(It was bad enough that every conversation he’d had in both the chat and with his brother himself had eventually found its way to that subject of discussion. It wasn’t so bad in the chat, since he could just leave and turn it on silent until he thought it was done. His brother, on the other had, was more difficult to avoid. What was even harder to avoid, though, was his bone club that he would swing and catch the other in the ribs with, launching him across the room.

 

He considered this a fair trade.)

 

His phone ringing interrupted his fuming, however, and he went to answer it, ignoring the other two’s whispers and laughs. It was Blue calling. He felt his scowl soften and he picked it up, taking care to not sound as annoyed as he felt at his “friends”.

 

“Hey, Blue.”

 

A small crackle from the other end. “Hey, Razz! What’s up?”

 

Razz glanced over his shoulder at where Alphys was trying to turn the heat on the stove up again. Undyne was whispering in a hushed tone and gesturing roughly at the knobs. Alphys shrugged, seeing that Razz was watching her and sticking her tongue out at him. He returned the favor. “Nothing, honestly.” He turned away from the two so that they wouldn’t see the small smile on his face. “Are you still planning to come over later?”

 

A heavy sigh. Blue answered, sounding almost close to tears. “No. That’s why I was actually calling you. Pap- or, uh. Stretch said that the machine needs some tweaking and that we can’t use it for a bit. Something about-” Razz could imagine the other continuing his quirky mannerisms even over a phone call, gesturing in a half-shrug with one hand and looking at the ceiling, like the answers lay hidden there. “The signals being slightly off?” A small chuckle. “Probably because we’ve been using it so often.”

 

(He wasn’t surprised that their machine needed maintenance. As of late, the chat had been filled with multiple different complaints of the machines needing to be fixed, with the most whiny being, surprisingly, Comic. Not surprising was the puns that he made about the situation itself. 

 

Thank god Fell could kick them out if it got to be too annoying.)

 

Razz was thankful that the other wouldn’t be making a potentially risky trip, but still found himself disappointed in the outcome. Though he couldn’t really complain, as the main reason as to why it had been used so often for them was because of Blue and his frequent visits. “Don’t worry about it. I’d rather you not injure yourself.”

 

He heard a laugh, Blue starting to say something before he was broken off by a shout and a small scuffle, Blue’s exasperated voice and a familiar cackle coming through the speaker. A voice he recognized all too well came through the phone with a shout, and he jerked the device away from his ear.

 

“HEY RAZZ, BLUE WON’T TELL ME WHETHER OR NOT YOU TWO HAVE FUCKED YET BECAUSE HE’S A COWARD!” A protest could be heard in the background of the call.

 

Razz drew his eyebrows together with a scowl. “What the fuck are you-”

 

Undyne grabbed the phone out of his hand and held it up to her ear. Razz growled, about to jump up rip it out of her hands before he was lifted off the ground in a suplex by a laughing Alphys. She threw him over her head and into the living room where he hit the wall, grunting in pain before landing on the ground. He snarled, getting up to sprint towards Alphys and fully intending to see just how hard it would be to make fried lizard when he stopped. Literally.

 

He had been turned green. “FOR FUCKS SAKE, UNDYNE!”

 

Said fish only grinned in amusement, fixing her glasses before raising a finger in his direction, as if telling him to wait patiently until she was done. Razz felt his eye twitch as she started talking to the Alphys from Underswap.

 

“Ah. S-so no luck on your part either, huh?” She sounded disappointed, and Razz nearly wanted to throw the both of them out the windows for trying to snoop across the universes. His kitchen alone was bad enough.

 

Alphys looked heartbroken. “Wait, so they really  _ haven’t _ fucked?”

 

Undyne brought one webbed hand up to cover the microphone on the phone, whispering a “No” before going back to listening. Alphys turned to him.

 

“RAZZ, YOU PRUDE LITTLE FUCK!” Undyne hung up the call, setting the phone down on the counter.

 

Razz growled, realizing that he would only have to wait a little longer to skewer them both on one of his attacks. “I DON’T REALLY SEE HOW IT’S ANY OF YOUR DAMNED BUSINESS!”

 

Alphys picked up Undyne, holding her wife over her head triumphantly. Undyne was used to this kind of treatment by now, and simply pulled out her own phone, chewing on her lip with sharp teeth as she scrolled through her Undernet feed. “AS YOUR SELF-PROCLAIMED BEST FRIEND, IT’S ALL OF MY BUSINESS!”

 

He could feel the green attack fading. Just a bit longer now. “I didn’t bother you and Undyne with this shit when you guys started dating! Besides! It hasn’t even been a week yet!” He paused with a small grin as he thought of a valid argument. “You and Undyne didn’t fuck as soon as  _ you _ started dating.”

 

They both looked at him. Alphys gave a loud snort.

 

“Yeah we did.”

 

Undyne nodded, pushing her glasses up her nose. “As soon as w-we closed the door and were certain th-that no one would walk in on us, w-we fucked almost immediately.”

 

Razz twisted his face in disgust. Alphys cackled, enjoying making him uncomfortable. “How many times did you cum, babe? Six?”

 

Razz made a retching noise. Undyne’s fins flattened against the sides of her face, the only physical reaction she gave to the crude comment. “Seven, actually.”

 

The green attack faded and Razz lunged at the two before being stopped again. Another green attack. “WHAT THE HELL YOU FISH BITCH!” Said fish bitch just shrugged.

 

“Hey babe, do you wanna go fuck?” Razz stopped struggling against the attack to look up in horror.

 

Undyne shrugged from her place lifted above Alphys’ head. “Sure. Sounds like fun.”

 

Razz paled. Oh. Oh god. “Oh my god for fucks sake you two don't have sex while I’m in your house.”

 

Alphys ignored his pleas, however, opting to instead adjust her grip on her wife and dart upstairs, laughing all the way. He heard the slam of a bedroom door and cursed quietly, yanking his feet and attempting to move them from where the magic had them pinned to the floor. He was so focused on trying to rip his feet out of the grip of the magic that he hardly noticed the sound of the stove catching on fire. He looked down at his soul (still green), over at his phone (sitting out of reach on the counter), and up to the bedroom door (where various suspicious noises could already be heard). He winced. 

 

For fucks sake.

 

By the time the green attack faded, the fire had already spread to the cabinets, licking up the sides and towards the ceiling. With the lack of a working fire alarm- Alphys had ripped them all out of the ceiling and crushed them with her axe when they wouldn’t stop beeping for a battery replacement- and the job being too big for his humble fire extinguisher, he had no choice but to call the number he had on speed dial on his phone.

 

The fire department showed up soon after, giving nods and smiles- even a high-five, which he begrudgingly returned- in his direction. They saw each other fairly often. As the group went in through the front door, Alphys and Undyne calmly walked out the side door, both looking slightly disheveled. Razz suppressed a gag. He and Undyne bitched at each other for a bit, her about how her house was on fire  _ again _ and him about how “If you didn’t want me to let your kitchen burn down then you shouldn’t have left me green and left to go upstairs and do whatever the hell you lesbians do for sex.”

 

Alphys had been shouting at the firemen, telling them to pick up the pace in their work or else she would have to come down to the station sometime to train them, when she stopped, hearing Razz’s complaints. “Well, if you  _ really _ wanna know what we do, I’d be more than happy to give a detailed summary.” She wagged her eyebrows and brought her index and middle fingers in a V-shape up to her chin, grinning. Undyne laughed, blushing with her fins pressed to the sides of her face before copying the same motion herself, making a crude gesture with her tongue. 

 

Razz threw his hands up with a shout, stomping over to where his bike was parked and getting on, flipping Alphys off when she called him a pussy. He nodded at the chief of the fire department, who was, by now, accustomed to their antics, driving off in the direction of his house. He pulled up into the garage, switching off his bike and walking into the house, kicking Slim where he laid in the middle of the floor, an empty bottle of maple syrup laying beside his head.

 

Grabbing a glass from the cabinets, he walked to the sink and began to fill it with tap water, taking a long drink of it before setting it down with a sigh.

 

Despite his best efforts, he couldn’t help but finding his mind wandering to less than innocent situations with Blue. His cheeks flushed a deep shade of purple.

 

Oh no.

 

[ _ skeleton whores _ ]

 

**_Fell_ ** _ has opened a new chat at 5:37pm! _

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Comic_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Stretch_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Red_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

 

**Fell:** Have any of you ever read an essay titled “A Modest Proposal” by Jonathan Swift?

 

**Red:** do i look like the type who fucking reads your boring shit

 

**Stretch:** reading is for pussies

 

**Fell:** You are what you eat.

 

**Razz:** Ugh.

 

**Comic:** eh ill bite

 

**Comic:** whats it abt

 

**Fell:** Cannibalism.

 

**Razz:** Nice.

 

**Fell:** More specifically, it’s a proposal on how cannibalism would help with the growing population of the poor children who are untaken care for in 1800s Ireland.

 

**Stretch:** oh my god what the hell is wrong with humanity

 

**Razz:** Seems logical enough to me.

 

**Red:** okay but why do we let the two sadists who feed off of despair and misery exist in the same chat

 

**Fell:** It’s not as bad as some of the works Stretch chooses to read sometimes.

 

**Comic:** what does he read

 

**Stretch:** babe please dont

 

**Fell:** Fine.

 

**Razz:** He has a large collection of cheesy romance novels hidden under his bed where he thinks that no one will find them.

 

**Razz:** Most of which have questionable plot choices and poorly written, vanilla erotica.

 

**Red:** ha fucking outed man

 

**Stretch:** where the hell did you learn that

 

**Razz:** Blue told me.

 

**Stretch:** and im supposedly the fucking gossip in the group

 

**Stretch:** alright

 

**Comic:** blue gets it from u tho

 

**Red:** oh shit outed TWICE in one chat get fuckin wrecked

 

**Stretch:** im leaving i dont have to sit here and take this abuse

 

**_Stretch_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Comic:** ha ha

 

**Red:** heh

 

**Fell:** Does anyone else have any deep, dark secrets that they want to share, so I can use them as blackmail?

 

**Comic:** i wish i had skin

 

**Red:** thats not really a secret babe

 

**Comic:** i could get an arm sleeve tattoo

 

**Razz:** This is fucking ridiculous.

 

**Red:** what would you get a tattoo of

 

**Comic:** all of the spongebob characters except in 80s anime style

 

**Red:** i want a divorce

 

**Comic:** we arent married tho

 

**Red:** comic will you marry me

 

**Comic:** sure y not

 

**Red:** i want a divorce

 

**Comic:** but babe what abt the kids

 

**Red:** you can keep ‘em

 

**Comic:** aw shit

 

**Comic:** i dont want ‘em

 

**Red:** welp too bad

 

**_Fell_ ** _ has kicked  _ **_Comic_ ** _ from the chat! _

 

**_Fell_ ** _ has kicked  _ **_Red_ ** _ from the chat! _

 

**Razz:** Thank you for that.

 

**Fell:** Anytime.

 

**_Fell_ ** _ has left the chat! _

**_Razz_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has been added to the chat! _

 

**Razz:** What?

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has, once again, been forcefully added to the chat! _

 

**Razz:** What the fuck is this bullshit?

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has been added to the chat, even though he’s acting like a little bitch! _

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**_Razz_ ** _ needs to stop acting like such a pussy and just accept the fact that he has been added to the chat! _

 

**Razz:** What the hell is going on?

 

**Razz:** Comic, I swear to god if this is one of your pranks, then I still haven’t put the shower rod back up, and I remind you that our machine is the only one that isn’t under maintenance.

 

Check, one two one two. 

 

**Razz:** What.

 

Everything seems to be working here.

 

Universe coordinates are 01100100 01101001 01100011 01101011 01100010 01110101 01110100 01110100  within the collegial sector.

 

No extreme outer influences have appeared to alter the subject, though precautions must be taken to ensure sterility.

 

**Razz:** Who the fuck are you?

 

W H A T   D O   Y O U   T H R E E   T H I N K ?

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has been kicked from the chat! _

 

:D

 

Razz blinked down at the odd messages from his phone. A glitch seemed to shake the screen, making it go entirely black for a moment, before it settled. There was no messages from the unknown user. Razz scowled, sighing heavily and setting his phone facedown on his desk. He refused to give this dumbass prank anymore more attention than he already had.

  
It wasn’t important anyways. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another filler chapter!!! oh boi!!! there's definitely nothing important in this one nope not at all mmmhmmm.


	9. How Many Fucking Get Togethers Can You Have Before You Get Tired Of The People You’re Hanging Out With

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Titles:  
> My Notes For This Chapter Were Literally “i want them to fuk.. maek them FUCK!” And They STILL Don’t Fuck So I’m Sorry To Disappoint
> 
> I Was Listening To Apple Bottom Jeans The Entire Time I Was Writing This And That’s All You Need To Know About Me
> 
> Don’t Make Your Friends Worry About You By Fake Crytyping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blue: How many of you have been personally victimized by Razz?
> 
> Everyone: [um](http://68.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb6l6d3I3y1rcd11vo2_1280.gif)

A steady rhythm was set by the fingers tapping on the armrest. Three taps every second, two of his fingers tapping on the same beat to continue to give everything an equilibrium. Every set of three began with the index, and ended with the pinky. It helped calm him down from the fucking annoyance that was beginning to seep into every one of his bones. There was really only so much that he could take.

 

“Bro bro bro bro bro bro bro-”

 

Speak of the devil. “ _W h a t._ ”

 

“Bro, when are they gonna get here?”

 

Razz resisted the urge to throw his brother out the window. They were having one of their staple ‘party times’, and he had drawn the shortest straw. Unfortunately, this meant that he had to prepare everything for it. Preparing for the party itself wasn’t too bad. But this? This constant, toddler-like nagging? Pure torture. He gripped the armrest of the couch, taking a deep breath before letting it out slowly.

 

“I’ve told you at least _ten times_ now that they’ll be over at six. Which is, by the way, in,” he looked at the clock hanging on the wall, “ten minutes.”

 

A heavy sigh. Slim slid from sitting upright to almost being off the couch itself. He tapped his fingers on the ground and looked up at the ceiling, deep in thought about something. Razz narrowed his eyes at the behavior. Oftentimes, he would do the same thing when he was weighing his options in terms of making a stupid joke or being obnoxious, and whether or not it would be worth whatever pain it undoubtedly would cause him.

 

“...Are they here yet?” Razz growled and stood from the couch, Slim quickly trying to scurry away. Three harsh, consecutive knocks came from the door, stopping Razz in his tracks. He sighed, walking over and opening it.

 

Fell walked in without much fanfare, dragging a choking Red by his collar. A large movement of his arm sent him flying onto the couch, where he bounced once before falling onto the floor. Slim was beside him, and lifted his fist with an “eyyyyy”. Red raised his own to meet it. Razz rolled his eyes at the exchange.

 

Fell walked over to the couch with a nod in his direction, moving Red away from his feet with a small kick, sitting down and flipping through the channels. Razz fought the urge to tell him to “go ahead and make yourself feel at home.” He walked into the kitchen, checking over everything again. He had made enough food for everyone, even with the voracious appetite of Red and Comic- he and Blue ate just as much, but tended to have more class about it- yet one thing was missing.

 

“SLIM!” A heavy sigh from the other room.

 

“Yeah?” Razz sneered at the sleepy tone.

 

“You forgot to get the fucking drinks!”

 

A scandalized gasp came from Red. “You what? Unbelieveable.”

 

Razz walked out of the kitchen, leaning against the doorframe and scowling. Slim met his glare. And looked away. And then looked back. “Uh. You staring at me bro?”

 

Razz narrowed his eyes. “You’re going to the store.”

 

A heavy groan came after, and Red laughed at his misfortune. “Fine. Only if Red comes with me though.”

 

“What? No way in hell, buddy, so shut the fuck u-”

 

Fell interrupted, still sitting on the sofa. His head was perched on his arm, which was leaning on the armrest of the loveseat, and the other hand was lifted with the remote in hand, calmly flipping through the channels. “Red, you’re going.” The tone of voice suggested no argument.

 

Slim laughed at Red’s complaints before taking an arm and flopping it on top of the shorter’s face. Red yelped at the resounding smack, but the sound was cut short as Slim used the contact to teleport them to his plastic jeep, no doubt.

 

(After he had gotten his bike, his brother had expressed an actual interest in getting a vehicle of his own. He, of course, wouldn’t allow their funds to be spent on some piece of junk, so he had helped Slim do research on cars. At first, he was convinced this was just some elaborate prank, but after the other had expressed a genuine interest in the research of sales prices between different car dealerships to monsters, and the statistics themselves of the overall effectiveness of the different brands, he pushed that option to the back of his mind. Hell, Slim had even gone so far as to take abbreviated notes of the information on a pad of paper, and he took the pad itself as he left to go buy his new car. Chara and Temmie had gone with him, more likely than not to give their best “stern glare” to any anti-monster humans they encountered while they were out.

 

Looking back on it, he really shouldn’t have been surprised when, two hours later, Slim walked in holding a large box over his head triumphantly, Chara doing some strange approximation of a shaman dance in circles around him. Temmie was the only one who had seemed wary of his fuming, darting over and ducking under the couch, shaking.

 

The box contents were emptied and built into a battery-powered GI Joe jeep, which was then altered with both science and magic to be able to travel at a top speed of 200mph.

 

Razz fucking hated it.)

 

Fell spoke up. “And then there were two.”

 

Razz turned, giving the kitchen a final cursory glance, seeing that everything was in place (aside from the missing drinks, god dammit Slim) before sighing heavily, walking over to the couch and sitting on the other side. Fell had switched the channel to Criminal Minds, and was intently watching. Razz pulled out his phone, opening up a text from Blue that was complaining about how he couldn’t get Stretch out of the house. Razz offered a bit of advice (“Kick him.” “I am _not_ kicking him!”) before setting it down.

 

“You know, I feel like you could be a bit more obvious in your snooping.” He looked at Feel out of the corner of his eye, the other skeleton having craned his neck slightly to try and see what was being typed. Fell returned to his position calmly, staring at the television for a few seconds before speaking.

 

“Get ready.”

 

Razz narrowed his eyes in confusion. “Wait, get ready for wha-”

 

Cream burst through the front door, holding a few boxes of board games above his head with a triumphant grin. “GAME NIGHT!”

 

Comic followed shortly after, shutting the door from where his brother had left it open with his foot. He yawned- but honestly, when the fuck was he _not_ yawning- and walked to the coffee table in front of the couch, flopping down on top of it. Razz scowled slightly at the display, reaching forward with his foot to tip the table away from him so that the other slid off, landing on the floor with a small “oomph”. Not on the furniture.

 

Cream looked around, still holding the game boxes above his head. “Where’s Slim?” He saw Fell sitting on the couch. “And Red too, I guess?”

 

Comic snickered from his place on the floor. Razz ignored the question, pulling his phone back out and tapping on the screen, continuing to text Blue, who apparently had just thrown his brother over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Fell decided to answer Cream’s question.

 

“They went to the store. Though it might take a while because I saw them pulling out of the drive with a plastic children’s jeep.” Razz decided not to expand on the plastic jeep’s capabilities.

 

Blue walked in after that, Stretch thrown over his shoulder. Everyone greeted him, and he waved with the arm that wasn’t previously occupied. Stretch craned his neck so he was peering around Blue’s torso with a deadpan. “Great to see all of you guys too.”

 

Blue blinked a few times, seeming to just remember that he had his brother in a fireman’s carry. He set him down, and Stretch stood to his full height before walking to the couch, flopping down between Fell and Razz. He was half on top of Razz, nearly crushing him on the narrow sofa. Razz growled, taking a grip on the front of the armrest with both hands before yanking himself out from underneath him, stumbling forward a few steps before turning around with a glare.

 

They both ignored him. Stretch tried to grab the remote out of Fell’s hand. Fell took it in his opposite hand, stretching the arm out and holding it as far away from the other as possible. Stretch gave up, flopping face-down into Fell’s lap. Razz heard a sigh and turned to see Blue and Cream, who were watching the situation with just as much annoyance as he felt.

 

The door opened again, Red and Slim walking in. Red had two cases of sodas and was struggling to carry them to the kitchen, while Slim had about six balanced on one shoulder, with his other hand holding a bag of what looked like various alcohols. Razz sighed internally. If he had to clean any fucking vomit out of his carpet, so help him _god_ things would not end well for anyone.

 

Slim walked back into the living room, taking a candy cigarette out of his jacket and putting it in his mouth. A heavy thud came from the direction of the kitchen, and Razz walked over to see that Red had fallen to the ground after setting the drinks on the counter, and was now lying face-down on the tile. One down, six to go.

 

“I!” Cream yelled again. Loudly. “HAVE BROUGHT BOARD GAMES!” He was still holding them above his head.

 

A loud crunch from where Slim bit the candy in half. “What games?”

 

Cream puffed his chest out proudly, bringing his arms down to hold the games in front of him, the boxes held vertically. The sound of small plastic pieces hitting against each other came from the boxes, and Razz winced. God, that was making an unorganized _mess_. They went over to the corner of the room and set up the game: Chutes and Ladders. He fucking hated that game.

 

“Babe!” Comic yelled from the floor. Red’s voice was muffled from being in the other room, and lying face-down on the ground.

 

“What!”

 

“Babe, come in here so I can touch your butt!” A heavy sigh from the kitchen, and Red appeared in the living room with a pop, his face still pressed to the floor. Comic lifted his hand from the ground and flopped it on top of Red’s lower back.

 

“Heh. Nice.”

 

Ugh. Razz closed his eyes, inhaling deeply before turning on his heel and walking into the kitchen. He stopped once he saw the drinks on the counter. Slim had stacked them end-to-end so that the entire thing reached the ceiling. The rest were stacked in an intricate, upside-down pyramid, with the bottles sitting on top, so that whoever moved the stack would have to clean a mess of broken glass. Razz growled. What the fuck.

 

He had to lean up on his toes to grab the glass bottles off the top of the pyramid, and set those gently on the counter. He paused before going back to the stack, turning and looking at the drinks. He tapped a finger on his upper thigh in thought before going back and taking one of the bottles, opening a cabinet on the floor and reaching back into it, opening a separate hidden door and placing the spirits in there.

 

He would be needing those later.

 

Razz went back to the pyramid, removing the drinks from the stack before putting them in the fridge to get cold. With a grumble, he turned to the large tower of drinks that were still on the counter.

 

“Wow. That’s kinda neat!” He looked over his shoulder to see Blue standing in the doorway, staring at the tower of sodas.

 

Razz huffed. “Don’t encourage his fucking around.” He put both his hands palm-down on the counter, and with a grunt, lifted himself onto the counters, standing unsteadily on them.

 

Blue looked uneasy at this, walking forward a few steps with his arms held out in front of him. Razz rolled his eyes. Honestly. He wasn’t some clumsy toddler! He stood up on the tips of his toes, reaching one arm up to the top of the stack to try and bring them all back down. Razz looked down at the other. “You don’t have to stay in here and help me, you know.”

 

Blue smiled, still looking skeptical of Razz’s footing. “Yeah, but I want to!” He looked back at the living room where Cream’s triumphant laugh could be heard. He had just gotten three chutes in a row and was four spaces away from winning. Razz huffed in amusement at the sound of his brother’s despair. Nothing quite like the suffering of your siblings to put a skip in your step.

 

He stood on his toes, reaching and managing to grab the top one of the stack, starting to pull it down. He set it down on the counter behind him gently, straightening and reaching to get another when his foot slipped. Razz sucked in a breath through his teeth and reached an arm around to brace for the landing on the tile. Instead, he was caught by someone in a bridal style carry. He grumbled, turning to begrudgingly thank Blue when, instead of being met with a bright bandana and soft, blue eyes, he came face-to-face with the shit-eating grin of Red.

 

Years of training underground had helped him develop what he liked to call a “blank-slate face”, void of any emotion, which would leave no weaknesses exposed when he was battling someone. Having too much expression during a fight could leave you susceptible to attacks, and could lower your defenses. Even when not in a fight, there were times that it came in handy.

 

Like now, for instance.

 

With barely a split second given for reaction, Razz’s fist came up and connected with Red’s jaw, causing the other to drop him and stumble backwards, falling on the floor. Razz caught himself on his hand and feet, quickly standing up and glaring down at the other. Red just groaned, rubbing his face.

 

“The same fucking place as last time too, dammit!” He stopped rubbing to let his arm flop to the ground beside him, motionless. “If I had a nickel for every time Razz punched me in the face, I would have three nickels.”

 

Slim must have heard this statement, because piped up from the loser’s corner in the living room. “If _I_ had a nickel for every time Razz punched me in the face, I could get facial reconstruction surgery to fix how much he fucked up my face.” Razz ignored this, opting to walk over and just knock the damned tower down. Fizzy drinks be damned. “Actually? Scratch that. I’d be Scrooge McDuck.”

 

Red gave a heavy sigh from his place on the floor. “I wish I was Scrooge McDuck.”

 

The tower of sodas toppled to the floor, and Razz grabbed each of the cases, placing them in the fridge. Blue, having stopped laughing from the whole situation, came over and started to help stack the drinks. He sighed as he shut the fridge. He really wished that he wasn’t sober right about now. Blue hip-checked him, and he nearly lost his balance before he turned and looked at the other with a blush.

 

Blue laughed. “Quit pouting and let’s go!”

 

Razz huffed. “I’m not pouting. I don’t ‘pout’.” Nevertheless, he followed the other into the living room, grinding his heel into Red’s sternum as he stepped on him. A ‘pop’ came from behind him and Red appeared on the couch, rubbing the heel of his hand on his chest.

 

“Razz bullies me.”

 

Slim scoffed, setting up another game of Chutes and Ladders with Cream. “Razz bullies all of us, shut up.” Everyone gave a murmur of agreement.

 

“Well, _I’ve_ never been bullied by Razz!” Cream spoke up proudly. He rolled the dice and got doubles, landing on a ladder and going up it before rolling again. Slim hand his fingers pressed into his temples at the pure display of luck and skill.

 

“Uh. Hey! The drinks in the kitchen are put up if anyone wants them!” Blue was obviously trying to change the subject. Razz fought back a smile, walking into the kitchen to get the plate of nachos he had made. Honestly? He didn’t give a fuck whether the others thought he was a ‘bully’ or not, but it was almost sweet how Blue was defending him in his own way.

 

Stretch walked into the kitchen after him, going to the fridge and grabbing an Orange Crush. He opened it and it spewed all over him. Razz calmly opened a drawer and threw a towel at him, hitting him in the face and causing it to wrap around his head. He walked out of the kitchen and set the nachos on the coffee table, watching Comic set up a video game on the tv.

 

A cursory glance over the room showed him that everything seemed to be going well. Stretch had walked back to the couch sometime and was grumbling, holding a half-empty can of soda. As if a switch was flipped, everyone took this as a sign to wander about. Some chips were grabbed, drinks were made, asses were kicked in Mario Kart. He sat beside Blue, who was waiting for his turn at the game. He smiled at him and reached down, grabbing one of Razz’s hands with his own. Razz felt a corner of his mouth twitch up a bit. The motion was not lost on Comic, who nudged Red with his elbow. Red had seen it too, and his grin came back full force. Razz dropped the smirk, glaring at the two of them. Fuck them.

 

Blue didn’t notice, instead giving a gasp as if personally attacked when Cream threw a red turtle shell at Stretch, knocking him down before coming in first a split second before he did. This oddly domestic feeling was… Nice. A solid weight came to rest against his shoulder, and he looked down to see Blue leaning against him. He unconsciously leaned back, still watching the game going on the television. Cream was now standing up, leaning forward and turning the entire remote with his body. Slim was sitting in front of him, a party blower in his mouth being used every time the other knocked someone off the ledge. Comic, helping his brother in any way that he could, was doing his best to put his slipper-clad foot in Stretch’s face, blocking his view.

 

Razz was watching the scene with amusement when he caught a movement out of the corner of his eye. From the kitchen? Something nearly black but… Everyone was still in the living room. Maybe a shadow? He scowled. If that fucking cat was in his house again, he was going to skin it alive. He stood up, ignoring a questioning look from Blue, and strode into the kitchen, surveying the room before coming up with nothing.

 

He pinched the bridge of his nose. More likely than not, it was just being surrounded by the others yelling and such that was making him feel on edge. He would have gotten a drink but, unfortunately, all the stuff that was strong enough was missing. Except. A rummage through the cabinet showed that, yes, the bottle of spirits he had hidden was still nestled soundly behind the hidden door. Razz applauded his foresight, grabbing it by the slender neck and holding it up for scrutiny. Absolut Vodka.

 

Razz shook his head, standing with a chuckle. Slim must have stopped by their Grillby to get a quality drink like this. One thing was certain.

 

His brother really knew how to pick a vodka.

 

He shuffled around the kitchen to make himself a drink, getting out a short glass and filling it with ice before grabbing the ingredients. Another one of his liquors in the hidden cabinet was grabbed. There were no cherries in the fridge, so he just grabbed a box or raspberries that his brother had kept in stock every since he was dubbed with his goddamned nickname. He mixed the drink and placed a few berries on top. It had grown on him since then, though he would never admit it, but that didn’t make it any less of a shitty name.

 

Blue had walked in soon after he finished making the drink, watching him adjust the various bottles and fruit quietly. “Wow! Where’d you learn to do that?”

 

Razz asked the other if he would like one, staring to work on a different drink when he received an affirmative. “Before I was in the royal guard I worked at Grillby’s in hotland.” He wrinkled the ridge of his nose at the memory. “He could be an absolute dick at times, but I needed any money I could get.”

 

A tall glass half-full with ice with soda water, lemon juice, and vodka poured on it, and topped with a lemon. He slid the drink over to Blue, who picked it up and took a sip. His pupils lit up and he took another drink, looking over and smiling at Razz. “This is great!” Razz smirked, taking a drink of his own. Of course it was. “What’s this called?”

 

“Elderflower sparkle.” The others in the living room had gone quiet after Blue had entered the kitchen, but started up with laughter at his words.

 

“That’s pretty fucking gay!” Red barked from the floor. Blue huffed, looking off to the side with a blush at the shout. Razz growled. He had had _enough_. It wasn’t funny the first time he did it, and it sure as hell wasn’t funny the hundredth.

 

“OF COURSE IT’S GAY!” He shouted. He mouth was pulled back in a snarl. “I MADE IT, DIDN’T I? _I’M_ FUCKING GAY!”

 

More silence. Not for the first time, he remembered why his brother called him impulsive. And then, cackles coming from the other room. He heard the heavy thumping of what could have been a fist slamming repeatedly on the ground, and a larger thud of someone falling off the couch. He picked up his drink with a heavy sigh, walking out the back door.

 

That… Was a mistake.

 

He sat on the steps outside the door, taking a drink and looking up at the sky. The stars were partly visible behind a few clouds, and a gentle breeze blew through the yard, shaking the trees. The door opened and he looked over his shoulder to see Blue walking out with a smile, coming to sit beside him. Razz turned to face forward, a small blush on his face. A nudge at his side caused him to look over at Blue.

 

“You know… I’m pretty gay too.” Razz tried to stop the laughter that threatened to work through his teeth.

 

“Really? I had no idea!” Razz brought a hand up to gently rest against his mouth in mock shock. “And just when were you planning on telling me this?”

 

Blue laughed, leaning slightly against his side. Razz grinned at that. His laugh was infectious, and Razz found himself laughing along. They both trailed off to chuckles. He reached down and grabbed the other’s hand, linking their fingers together. They looked up at the sky, more clouds rolling in. Blue leaned his head against Razz’s shoulder, his eyes half-closing as they watched the sky. A large one covered the moon.

 

It was dark out.

 

[ _skeleton whores_ ]

 

**_Slim_ ** _has opened a new chat at 3:32am!_

 

**_Razz_ ** _has joined the chat!_

**_Comic_ ** _has joined the chat!_

**_Fell_ ** _has joined the chat!_

**_Cream_ ** _has joined the chat!_

 

**Slim:** hey guys guess what i found

 

**Comic:** wut

 

**Slim:** [_**Slim** has sent a link!_](https://becca.ooo/crytyper/)

 

**Cream:** A crytyping generator?

 

**Slim:** isn't  it iinccred  ible???

 

**Razz:** You fucking stop this bullshit right now.

 

**Comic:** i thin,k its  cool,,l

 

**Fell:** For fucks sake.

 

**Cream:** It actually odes semte like;; I'mm  cryinng!   ThhiS is i..m jusstrp,,essive!

 

**Razz:** I can’t fucking read any of that.

 

**_Blue_ ** _has joined the chat!_

 

**Blue:** I was brushing my teeth! What did I miss?

 

**Razz:** A bunch of stupid shit.

 

**Slim:** hey b;lue,w hha..at'sg up?

 

**Blue:** Are you okay?

 

**Fell:** He’s just crytyping.

 

**Blue:** Wait!

 

**Blue:** He’s crying?!

 

**Blue:** Oh my god, are you okay?

 

**Blue:** Do you need someone with you?!

 

**Blue:** I’m coming over, don’t worry!

 

**_Blue_ ** _has left the chat!_

 

**Comic:** o man

 

**Slim:** …

 

**Slim:** well, now i feel like a piece of shit

 

**Cream:** It’s just a crytype generator!

 

**Cream:** Y,ou ttype somethinng in, .and II,,t omakes it se  em likee you'rec ryt,,yping!

 

**Fell:** I can’t read any of this. I’m leaving.

 

**_Fell_ ** _has left the chat!_

 

**Razz:** Stop with the fake crying for fu-

 

**_Everyone_ ** _has been kicked from the chat!_

 

Razz blinked, looking down at his phone. What the fuck? Why did that happen? He scowled. Fell had probably put in some kind of program so that when he left the chat, everyone was kicked from it. Honestly, Razz wouldn’t put it past the petty bastard. He went to set his phone face-down when it felt like the entire planet lurched beneath his feet. He stumbled a few steps, trying to catch his balance. He looked around his room. He was across the other side of the room where he was when the chat ended. Goddammit, if his brother was pulling pranks across time and space again, there would be hell to pay. His phone dinged from where it was sitting on his desk.

 

…

 

Desk?

 

It was… He looked at the bedside table. There wasn’t anything on it besides the lamp, and the glowing clock that read 3:32.

 

He walked to his phone.

 

[ _skeleton whores_ ]

 

**_Slim_ ** _has opened a new chat at 3:32am!_

 

**_Razz_ ** _has joined the chat!_

**_Comic_ ** _has joined the chat!_

**_Fell_ ** _has joined the chat!_

**_Cream_ ** _has joined the chat!_

 

**Slim:** hey guys guess what i found

 

**Comic:** wut

 

**Razz:** Yes, the fucking crytype generator, we all get it.

 

**Slim:** …

 

**Cream:** The what?

 

**Slim:** bro you fucking ruined my surprise

 

**Fell:** It sounded like a particularly shitty surprise anyways, so no real harm was done.

 

**_Blue_ ** _has joined the chat!_

 

**Blue:** I was brushing my teeth! What’d I miss?

 

**Slim:** just razz being an absolute asshole and ruining my fucking surprise

 

**Comic:** u can still show us the thing bub

 

**Slim:** no, it’s too late now razz fucking ruined it

 

**Slim:** i’m going to go cry myself to sleep now

 

**Slim:** :’(

 

**_Slim_ ** _has left the chat!_

 

**Comic:** he will b dearly missed

 

**Razz:** Okay, yeah, ha ha. I get it, it’s funny. You guys can cut the fucking bullshit now.

 

**Cream:** ???

 

**Fell:** What the fuck are you on about?

 

**Razz:** The fact that we _literally_ just had this conversation and now we’re having it again.

 

**Blue:** Um…?

 

**Comic:** o no hes lost it

 

**Fell:** Blue, when I said to “Fuck his brains out”, this is not what I meant.

 

**Razz:** Yeah, and I’m sure the other night when that “unknown user” was in the chat was just happenstance as well, and definitely not planned at all.

 

**Comic:** i think that may b ur freakin out over nthn here

 

**Razz:** I think maybe you should shut the fuck up.

 

**Cream:** Oh! This is just like one of those creepypastas I read one time!

 

**Fell:** I didn’t take you for the type.

 

**Cream:** Oh, I’m not! I read one by accident and had nightmares for weeks!

 

**Comic:** & now ur not allowed on the website

 

**Cream:** ;n;

 

**Razz:** Yeah. I’m sure. I’m leaving now. Goodbye, Blue.

 

**Blue:** Bye, Razz!

 

**_Razz_ ** _has left the chat!_

 

**Comic:** hey im gonna go bc i gotta talk to the kid abt smthn so l8r

 

**_Comic_ ** _has left the chat!_

 

**Blue:** What was that all about?

 

**Fell:** He’s your boyfriend. You tell us.

 

**Cream:** Razz _did_ seem kinda more annoyed all the time than usual.

 

**Blue:** I’ll talk to him in the morning and see if we can sort this out. Night!

 

**_Blue_ ** _has left the chat!_

 

**Cream:** I should probably stop Sans from waking Frisk up way past their bedtime. Goodnight, Fell!

 

**Fell:** Hopefully Blue finds out what all that shit was about.

 

**_Cream_ ** _has left the chat!_

**_Fell_ ** _has left the chat!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the ffu..ck did you juust fuc,kin.g say about me, you littl,e bbitc ch? I’lll havve youh know I graaduated top ofmy..y class in then Navyv Sea,,ls`, an`d II’ve been ih,,nvovled in nu,merous secc;;ret,,t raids oonn Al-.Qua eda, and I ah;;ve over 300 confirmed kil/ls.. ,,I a;;m traine iin gorilla warfaRe and I,’mm ,,thee tto sniper i tteh entire US arme for,,ces. Yoou aree nothisng too m,e but just aanother targetp. I will w ipe you th;;e fuck ouut wbith precision the lkies of which has enverr beken sseen bbefore oon thhis Earth;, maark my fucking gwords. yo;u think you can.. e;;tg awaay wiith ,asying that shhit to me over ..the Internet? Think againn, fukcer. Ass w;e speaak I am conttacting my sscret network of spies acc,ross the USA gand oouur IP is ben..ng tracedd rightt now so you bbetter pprepar.e for the storm, magggot. Teh storrm That wiipes out the pathetiic litt,lee ,,thing o..yud cal.. lyoourr lifee. Y;ou;’re fucking deead, kiid. I caann be anywheer.e, annyttim juste, and I ca..n kill you in ove,,ers ,even huundreed ways, and that’s just with my b;bare hand;;s. Noot oonly am I exteensively tRa,ined in uunarmEd cobmaat, utt I hhaav e access ,to ttheh eentirre arsenal o..f the UiTTed d Statess Marine Corppss and I 'will use it tov its full extentto wpie ,,yoour mimserable eo jass frOf the FaFec of the con;tinetn, you llittle s,shit. If onl y you coul d hav e known whaty unhol yyre tribbutionyoour l,,itttle “cxlever” ccomm,emnnt,,t was abouut to brrig dow nuupon you, amybe you woudd haa..ve heldv your fucking ttongue. But y,yoou cciouldn’t, you didnn’’t, and nnow yyoou’re payinng the pricee, you,ur goddamn idiot., I will shiit fury alll ovveR you and youw illl Drown in it. You’,re fucking d;ead, kidddo.


	10. In All The Egg-citement You Forgot To Shell Out Your Egg-splanation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Titles:  
> Vote For Red For “Best At Emotional Comfort!”
> 
> No Annoying Cats Were Harmed In The Making Of This Fic
> 
> It’s A Good Thing The Alpha Gays Came Because Otherwise Your House May Have Burned Down Bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's STILL ALIVE BITCH! sorry abt the late update on this, it has been... quite the week for me. HOWEVER. i should b getting back into the groove of things here pretty soon, so here you go!
> 
> (i was trying to get a lot of shit in for this chapter at once but im not too sure i made it as cohesive as it was in the past but o well ha ha)

Razz sighed heavily as he set out the ingredients for breakfast. No one had fessed up to the prank in shitty taste yet, and he was doing his best to not be completely pissed at that fact. So far, it was working. He was just intensely annoyed. Slim walked into the kitchen and Razz snapped his head to the door, glaring. His brother paused, one foot raised in the air, looking at Razz’s angry stare and the sharp knife he was wiping with a rag before slowly placing the foot back behind him and creeping out of the kitchen. Razz turned back to the food and kept wiping off the knife in his hand with another sigh.

 

He was pissed off again.

 

It didn’t even make any sense as to  _ why _ no one was claiming the fucking stupidass joke. Normally, when a prank was done, the peanut gallery would trip over themselves to claim the credit for it, even if none of them did the prank. He walked over to the fridge, grabbing a carton of eggs and shutting the door before setting them beside the pan. But now it was fucking radio silence. None of them had even used the chat for shitty memes- which he honestly should be happy about, but the fact that this was so far from the norm had his instincts twisted into an uncomfortable knot.

 

Something was wrong.

 

And he had no idea what it was.

 

With a heavy sigh, he grabbed some tomatoes and bell peppers out of the small bowl on the counter before rinsing them off in the sink. He dried them with a paper towel before setting them on the cutting board beside the eggs. He walked to the cabinet and grabbed a bottle of olive oil, pouring a bit in the pan that he had already heated. It was even worse because the denial of any prank being pulled was likely just because they were still planning something. The prank wasn’t  _ done _ so, therefore, the prank didn’t  _ exist _ .

 

Or something of the like.

 

He cracked a few eggs in a bowl, adding some salt and pepper before whisking them to break the yolks. This was fucking stupid. His brother was fucking stupid.

 

He looked up as the doorbell rang. And kept ringing.

 

He felt an odd sense of deja vu from the night not too long ago where something similar happened, and he opened the door to see Blue, standing with a large grin and one finger on the doorbell. Of course. Blue smiled wider and clicked the doorbell again, doing his best to hide a chuckle under his breath. Razz leaned against the open door.

 

“You don’t have to do that, you know.” The doorbell was rung again. He reached forwards and grabbed Blue’s arm, pulling him into the house. Blue just laughed.

 

“I’m kinda obligated to at this point!” Blue stopped as Razz let go of his arm, putting an arm on his hip and waving the unoccupied one in the air. “It’s our thing.”

 

Razz felt the corners of his mouth twist up a bit and he tried to force them back down. He was supposed to be angry, dammit! Or, at the very least, annoyed. “‘Our thing’?”

 

Blue offered a cheeky grin. “Yeah, you know! Comic and Red have puns, Stretch and Fell have books, Cream and Slim have memes, and we-” He finished his statement by closing both eyes and nodding, “-have doorbells.”

 

Razz shut the door (not smiling, of course, because that would be fucking stupid) before turning back to Blue. He stared at him for a bit before turning and walking back into the kitchen. He wasn’t going to grace that statement with a response. Blue didn’t seem to mind, following after him as soon as he took off both his boots by the door. He stepped up beside Razz as he continued to dice the vegetables for breakfast, watching as he handled the sharp utensil. Razz sighed as he noticed Blue pointedly looking at where the pan was and waved the other to start cracking some eggs in the bowl. 

 

(He  _ could _ just do it all on his own, but it would go faster this way; with two competent hands in the kitchen working towards the same goal. And it had nothing at all to do with the fact that Blue would fucking pull out the puppy dog eyes. They weren’t his weakness.

 

He has no weakness!)

 

Blue grinned as he started to do so. “So… about last night…” Razz gave a particularly hard chop to a pepper. Blue went on unfazed. “What exactly happened?”

 

Razz sighed. He didn’t even really know what had happened with the whole time shenanigans thing, but there was no way that he hallucinated any of it, like everyone was so convinced that he did. “I don’t know what happened, exactly, but I  _ can _ tell you that something isn’t right.”

 

Blue added salt and pepper and began to whisk the mixture. “Do you think that it  _ is _ some kind of prank?” Razz grumbled, picking up the diced vegetables and placing them in the bowl that Blue was stirring, mixing them in. He went to the fridge and grabbed shredded cheese and set it by the now heated pan. 

 

Razz went to say something about beating the shit out of whoever’s idea the goddamn prank was when he was interrupted by a quiet hiss. He looked over to the counter beside Blue to see the Annoying cat, staring at him with both ears pressed flat to its head and its tail swaying back and forth slowly. Blue had stopped stirring the mixture and was watching the animal warily as it gave an angry mrowl.He attempted to move away from the bowl, but the cat gave an even louder hiss, raising slightly on its haunches until Blue stopped his movements.

 

Razz looked between the cat and Blue, doing his best to glare at the small animal. Damned thing, always in the fucking way. The cat gave another agitated yowl, crouching down and snarling at something over Blue’s head. Razz followed its gaze to empty space, Blue looking up above himself as well to see what the fuss was about. After seeing nothing, he looked back down at Razz, confused. Razz just shook his head.

 

(Ever since his brother had found out how much he despised the damned cat, he would put out pots of catnip everywhere to attract it. No matter how many plants he incinerated, more would always appear, even after he had threatened every store in the area that continued to sell the shit to his brother. This wouldn’t be the first time it had gotten agitated after eating one of the plants.)

 

A slight scratch of claws against the counter was the only warning given before a small, white ball of utter fury hurtled at Razz’s face. He cursed loudly, sidestepping most of the cat, but not enough to where some of its claws left shallow gashes on his face. He growled, turning around to see the cat hissing, once again, at the open air. His hands clenched into fists and he grabbed the knife off the counter. He was going to  _ skin _ that damned animal. Blue reached forward and grabbed his armed hand, stopping his advance towards the creature.

 

At that moment, Slim walked into the kitchen, having heard the loud curses and various crashes. He looked from the hissing animal, to the knife in Razz’s hand, and then to Blue, struggling to hold back a snarling Razz. Razz noticed his brother’s grin widen slightly from the corner of his eye, and he snapped his gaze to Slim, the cat having been forgotten. A shit-eating grin spread across his brother’s face. “Heh. This looks like a  _ cat _ -tastrophe.”

 

The cat stopped hissing, turning its glare to the skeleton standing in the doorway. Razz heard an inhale from behind him, and felt the grip on his arm be removed. With a wicked smile, he took his now-free armed hand and swung it around, propelling the knife forward and into the hood on his brother’s jacket before hitting the doorframe, effectively pinning him down. Slim, panicked from the ordeal where he thought he was safe, looked from the knife, to Razz, and then to an innocent looking Blue, his gentle eyelights and sweet grin betraying nothing. Razz watched his brother reach up with shaky hands and remove the knife from beside his face, setting it gently on the counter before snapping his fingers, pointing at the two of them with finger guns before slowly exiting the kitchen.

 

Razz watched him leave smugly, before looking back down at the cat. It was sitting on the floor, calmly licking one of its paws clean from where it had scratched him. It stopped licking the claws, standing and stretching before walking over to Blue’s legs, rubbing against them with a purr- Razz swore the damn animal did it just to piss him off- before sauntering out of the kitchen. Blue blinked as he watched the cat exit the room before he turned to Razz with a goofy grin. Which immediately dropped off his face when he saw the scratches on his cheek. Razz sighed as Blue darted up, tittering with a concerned look on his face. Razz scowled and pushed away his hand as it came towards his face.

 

“I’m fine! It's just a scratch, it won’t even scar.” Blue huffed, leaning back and placing both his hands on his hips, narrowing his eyes comically. With another huff, he stomped over to the drawer and grabbed a towel, dampening it in the sink and walking back over to Razz. 

 

Razz growled and tried to swat the hands trying to wipe his face off away. Blue was having none of it. “Come on, Razz! You have to clean it out!” When Razz continued to resist, he groaned, doubling his efforts and making Razz take a step back, losing his balance and toppling to the floor. Before he fell, he panicked, reaching forwards and grabbing onto Blue, causing him to fall down on top of him.

 

Razz looked up, coming face to face with a smug-looking Blue. The larger gave a triumphant “Mweh heh heh!” before reaching up to wipe off his boyfriend’s face. Razz sputtered, flailing slightly before he got enough momentum to flip Blue over so he was sitting on top the other’s pelvis, reaching up with both hands to pin Blue’s to the ground with the laugh of his own. Blue shifted a bit, and Razz was suddenly aware of just what position they were in. His mind drifted back to his… less-than-innocent thoughts a few days prior and he internally cursed Alphys and Undyne for putting the idea in his head in the first place.

 

Blue blinked a few times before a small smirk decorated his face and a wiggled his hips again. The movement jostled Razz on his perch, and he sputtered once again, feeling his face heat up with a blush at the look in Blue’s eyes. He furrowed his brow, refusing to be bested so easily. He would wipe that smirk off the other’s face!

 

With a quick movement, he leaned down and captured the other in a kiss, summoning his tongue and pressing it into the other’s mouth when he gasped. With the sound of a small crack, Blue summoned his own, trying to take over dominance of the kiss. Razz felt Blue tense, and pulled back slightly only to be flipped over by the other. He growled, wrestling with Blue for a bit before he started another kiss, using his now-freed hands to reach around and pull Razz closer. Razz smirked into the kiss, lifting an arm and pressing it into the back of Blue’s neck to pull him closer. He wasn’t sure who shifted first, but he soon found himself with both of their lower halves pressed together.

 

With a start, he realized that he was, in fact, still in his kitchen. The  _ kitchen _ . He pulled back from the kiss, wiping off the drool that had strung between their mouths and pushing Blue back a bit, a heated blush awash over his face. Blue blinked a few times before his eyes widened a bit and he jumped back, looking slightly panicked. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

 

Razz lifted a hand, effectively silencing him. “It’s fine. I, uh, really enjoyed that, and I would like to keep going.” God, his face was burning. 

 

(Briefly, he wondered if he could somehow bribe Undyne to find some way to science around his physical reactions in order for him to never blush again. He dismissed the thought almost immediately. The  _ last _ thing he wanted was Undyne poking around inside of him and possibly turning him into some kind of anime-robot-character… thing.)

 

Blue blinked at the response and had a blush of his own on his face. Razz continued. “It’s just that…” Just rip off the fucking bandaid, Razz. “There are cameras in my kitchen.”

 

Blue looked at him quizzically. “Cameras?” Razz nodded. “Why do you have cameras in your kitchen?”

 

Blue seemed apprehensive about the prospect. Razz honestly couldn’t blame him. “They aren’t mine! They’re Undyne and Alphys’!” He immediately paused after his embarrassed shout.

 

That…

 

Wasn’t any better.

 

“Why do  _ they _ have cameras in your house?”

 

Razz sighed heavily. “My life is their gay anime.”

 

Blue chuckled, nodding a bit from an understanding of his own resident lesbian couple, before looking around the room apprehensively. He seemed to be in thought for a few moments before he looked back down at Razz with a smile. “Well, if you would want to continue this somewhere else,” His eyes hooded, and the sinful look was back. “I’d be happy to oblige.”

 

Razz gave a smirk of his own pushing himself off the floor before extending a hand out to Blue, who took it with a smile. Still holding his hand, Razz lead the other to his bedroom, shutting the door behind them with his foot. Blue let go of his hand and turned around, puffing his chest our proudly and placing both hands on his hips. “Razz! Do I have permission to kiss you!”

 

Razz suppressed a snort before nodding, Blue almost immediately jumping forward and capturing the other in a kiss. Razz returned it, the kiss quickly returning to the heat it had before and going even further. Blue pulled back from the kiss and grabbed both of Razz’s hands with his own, gently tugging him towards the bed. The other fell back on it, and Razz followed soon after, holding himself above Blue on his hands and knees. He balanced himself on one hand before using the other to gently trace the other’s cervical vertebrae, gasping slightly as he felt hands brush across the top of his pelvis, running up his spine. He pulled away from the kiss long enough for Blue to pull his shirt off, then immediately latched back onto the other’s mouth. Every now and again, the metal bar in his tongue would click against Blue’s teeth, the small clink being the only noise besides their heavy breathing and the occasional groan.

 

Razz moved his head to the other’s neck, using his tongue to trace a wet trail on the collarbone. Blue’s hands traveled up to the spot where his ribs met his spine, taking the more delicate bones and twisting them under his fingers. Razz stopped his ministrations, moaning at the sensation. He pulled back, looking at Blue’s expression. His eyelights were slightly hazy and a blush was spread on his face. The corner of his mouth had drool from the both of them gathered, and the light blue and purple looked  _ good _ when mixed together.

 

He wanted to see what else their magic looked like when it was joined. 

 

With a smirk, he ground his hips down onto the other’s, Blue moaning and Razz cursing softly. Blue took in a deep, shaky breath, and Razz looked up just in time to see the other’s grin widen, him flipping the both of them over and pinning Razz to the bed. Razz growled- he was the one who was supposed to be in control, dammit!- but trailed off into a stunted moan when Blue used the new angle between his legs to grind harder. Blue leaned down and started a kiss, this one more passionate, with a hint of something sinful behind it, before he continued rutting against the other. Blue’s own shirt came off soon after, and they locked onto each other again.

 

Only to be interrupted by a loud explosion coming from the backyard. They both started, pulling away from each other and looking towards the window. A small plume of smoke was rising from the backyard. The shed…?

 

They both met each other's eyes before quickly putting their clothes back on, running out to the yard. The smoke had stopped rising so frequently, but a small wisp of smoke still drifted up towards the sky. Razz watched the scene carefully, summoning a sharp bone into his hand and slowly pushing open the door. The sight he was met with caused him to sigh heavily and dismiss the attack. 

 

Standing a few feet away from the still smoking machine was Slim, his fingers tented together in front of his mouth as he watched the wreckage disappointingly. Black soot covered his body, making him appear more gray as opposed to his usual white. A few feet away from his brother sat the cat, also covered in soot, cleaning itself off with it’s tongue. Slim looked to him as he walked in before nervously looking away, his sweat cleaning away rivulets of the grime that coated his body. Blue followed soon after, looking at the machine, and then over to Slim.

 

“What… happened?” He took a step towards the machine, looking concerned. 

 

Slim sighed and looked down at the cat. It stopped its grooming to glare at him and his before getting up and walking around Razz, out the door. “I was doing some basic repair work and then the fucking cat was just launched at me out of nowhere.” He attempted to wipe the grime off his face, but only succeeded in spreading it around. “It made me drop one of my tools, and it short-circuited the machine.” Upon seeing the slightly panicked look on Blue’s face, he backpedaled. “But! It’s an easy enough fix since I have all the parts. You might have to spend the night here though.”

 

Razz turned and looked at Blue. The normally energetic skeleton seemed tense and worried.

 

…

 

It didn’t suit him.

 

He turned at looked at his brother, then the machine. “Papyrus, I want this fixed as soon as possible. Stay here all night if you have to.” Slim opened his mouth to complain, but immediately shut it when Razz clenched his jaw. 

 

A heavy sigh. “...Fine.”

 

He turned and picked up the cover to the machine, crouching down and beginning to look through all the wires to see what needed repairing. Razz walked over to Blue, gently taking his hand and leading him out of the shed. They entered the house and Blue gave a weary sigh.

 

Razz looked off to the side. Was he supposed to… say something? God, he wasn’t good at this comforting stuff. Blue pulled out his phone and typed a message to his brother, informing him of the situation. The message sent and he sighed again, turning and looking at Razz with a small smile. “Well, I guess I’m stuck here for the time being.”

 

Razz reached an arm up and awkwardly placed it around the other’s shoulders. Blue leaned into the embrace. “It will be fine.”

 

Blue chuckled, seeming to shake himself out of his mood. “Yeah, I know!” He looked over his shoulder with a slightly more normal smile. Razz relaxed a bit in relief. “I guess we get to have a sleepover, huh?”

 

Razz huffed a chuckle out of his nose. “Seems like it.”

 

The door slammed open, and an all-too-familiar, shrill shriek filled the air. “RAZZ, HOLY SHIT!”

 

Any semblance of a smile fell off of his face as he looked to the door that was barely hanging on the frame. Alphys was standing proudly beside it, holding a smirking Undyne above her head. Behind them, Razz could clearly see their car parked  _ illegally _ on the side of the road, having knocked over his mailbox. Undyne reached down with an arm and pat her wife on the head, the latter setting her down on the floor gently, before darting forward, skidding to a stop in front of Blue with a sneer, her heavy tail slamming on the tile and cracking a few. Razz watched the destruction with a twitch to his eye. “I hope you know that you’re fucking fixing all of that.”

 

Undyne calmly walked past them, going to the stove and turning off the heat. They must have forgotten to switch it off before they got… distracted. Razz blushed.

 

His head came back to Alphys as she summoned one of her axes with a sharp crack, twirling it a bit in her hands before letting her hand stop it by the handle with a hard smack. Her eyes were trained on Blue, who was looking more than a little nervous at the situation he found himself in. Razz pinched the bridge of his nasal bone, closing his eyes with a sigh. “We’ve been over this. You’re  _ not _ fighting him.” 

 

Alphys snorted. “The fuck I’m not.”

 

“She’s not what now?” Blue looked over at him, his voice slightly higher-pitched from the small dinosaur giving him her best death glare. Undyne walked over and picked Blue up under the arms, ignoring the smaller’s protests, and carried him into the living room. Alphys watched them go, dismissing the axe and placing both hands on her hips, before turning to Razz with a smirk. A smirk which quickly turned into full blown laughter as he started to heat up under her scrutiny. 

 

“Why the fuck are you over here?” Change the subject Razz.

 

She stopped laughing, wiping fake tears from her eyes. “Why the hell do you think?”

 

Razz stopped. For fucks sake. “Oh my fucking god, were you spying on me with those damn cameras again?!”

 

Another round of laughter. “Nah, you took them all down.” She sneered. “Kinda pissed that you destroyed them though, because that shit’s not cheap.”

 

Razz searched her face. “I only found ten of them?”

 

A hand came up to muffle her laughter. “We only hid ten. Undyne just said that because you’re a bitch, and we like to fuck with you.” Razz scowled, but the lizard continued on, unfazed. “We came over because your brother said that he had to fix some stuff with the machine or whatever.” She gave a dismissive wave of her hand. “And he wanted us to, and I quote: ‘Babysit so I don’t walk in on them fucking and end up scarred forever because I think they were making out earlier today’.”

 

Undyne popped her head into the doorway, interrupting Razz’s embarrassed shout. “G-get your asses in here b-because we’re w-watching a movie for our b-babysitting shit.” She gave a large grin, her sharp teeth glinting in the light. Alphys threw up her arm, placing him in a headlock and essentially punching the top of his head. He gave a frustrated groan, struggling to get out of the vice grip as she dragged him to the living room, lifting him in the air before chucking him onto a pile of pillows by Blue. A look over at the other showed him to have been bound with his arms and legs tied behind him and gagged. 

 

Razz blinked, shocked, before he growled and immediately summoned a bone to cut the rope off. A glare thrown over his shoulder showed him that Alphys seemed just as surprised at the setup. Undyne pushed her glasses up her nose, sniffing and looking off to the side. “He w-wouldn’t stop struggling.”

 

He got the binds off of Blue, checking the other over. Blue gave a nervous chuckle. “Don’t worry! She didn’t, uh, tie them very tight.”

 

Razz gave another glare at the two women- he’d fucking attack them now if he could, but Blue would probably get upset about it, and it definitely had nothing to do with the fact that the two of them combined could totally kick his ass- before sighing and sitting on the pillow pile beside the other. “Yes. She never ties them tight enough to really hurt.” He stared off in the distance at the memory.. “Only enough to be mildly uncomfortable.”

 

Blue gave him a questioning look. Razz just shook his head. Alphys and Undyne were sorting through a large bag of various DVDs, before they agreed on a few, pulling them out and laughing. Razz scowled. “For the love of god, don’t put any anime porn on my television.”

 

Alphys scoffed. “Please. This is  _ movie _ night. We’re going to watch a human classic.”

 

Undyne set the DVD in the player, grabbing the remote before shuffling onto the couch beside Alphys, cuddling into her side as the title screen came up. Back to the Future. He felt a shifting to his side and looked over to see Blue reaching down and grabbing a blanket, lifting it up and covering the two of them. Razz sighed as he watched his friends shmoodle on the couch. He’d have to wash it later.

 

But, as he felt Blue settle into his own side and rest his head on his shoulder, he found that he didn’t really care too much at the moment. The lights switched off.

 

Let the show begin.

 

[ _ skeleton whores _ ]

 

**_Stretch_ ** _ has opened a new chat at 10:03pm! _

 

**_Slim_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Comic_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Red_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

 

**Stretch:** is the machine fixed yet

 

**Slim:** uh. sorta?

 

**Comic:** wut does sorta mean

 

**Slim:** it means it was fixed.

 

**Red:** “was”

 

**Stretch:** for fucks sake

 

**Slim:** listen, i had it fixed but then the cat took one of my wrenches that i needed to fix it and i had to chase it down.

 

**Slim:** and when i got back, all the work that had been  _ done _ was  _ undone _ .

 

**Slim:** everything is fine over here so i don’t know why you’re so far up my ass about this when there are apparently other things that are going on.

 

**Stretch:** because we dont know what would happen if the individual isnt in their home universe when the timeline resets

 

**Slim:** then just tell your kid not to reset.

 

**Stretch:** they didnt do it because the monitors i have would have let me know if they were the one that reset

 

**Red:** well, that’s not creepy as shit at  _ all _ .

 

**Stretch:** shut up i just like to know whats going on

 

**Red:** welp i talked to our frisk n they said they didnt reset shit either so

 

**Comic:** same here but they did mention smthn abt a sneezy feelin

 

**Slim:** sneezy

 

**Comic:** hey dont look @ me humans r weird

 

**Red:** are we even sure that is was a reset?

 

**Stretch:** what else could it have been

 

**Red:** iunno

 

**Red:** razz going crazy?

 

**Slim:** hey, my bro may be anal about everything almost all the time, but he's not crazy.

 

**Comic:** but literally everything that weve looked @ hasnt shown n e traces of a reset

 

**Comic:** @ least not in the way that we can detect

 

**Red:** was he drunk when the whole thing happened

 

**Slim:** probably.

 

**Red:** case solved 

 

**Red:** he was hallucinating

 

**Slim:** >:T

 

**Stretch:** just fix the machine so we can travel back between the universes dammit

 

**Slim:** alright, alright.

 

**Slim:** no rest for the weary. :(

 

**Comic:** turn that frown upside down

 

**Slim:** ):

 

**Comic:** …

 

**Comic:** huh

 

**Comic:** guess that works

 

**_Slim_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Comic:** hey stretch do u still keep the backup logs 4 all the chats like a creep

 

**Stretch:** yes

 

**Stretch:** and its not creepy

 

**Red:** its pretty creepy man

 

**Stretch:** its not like i fucking look at them jesus christ

 

**Comic:** aight im comin over 2 c wut we can find out abt this unknown person

 

**Stretch:** alright

 

**_Comic_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Red:** hey buddy

 

**Red:** i know youre stressed out but try to calm down, alright?

 

**Red:** everythings fine

 

**Red:** slims gonna fix the machine and youre gonna have someone telling you to get off your lazy ass in no time

 

**Stretch:** yeah

 

**Stretch:** alright

 

**Red:** im coming over too and im bringing some totally legal marriage iguana

 

**Stretch:** pfft

 

**Stretch:** fine

 

**Red:** heh

 

**_Red_ ** _ has left the chat! _

**_Stretch_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slim: "I'm trying to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now. :( "


	11. This Is Just Titled Chapter 11 Because I’m An Uncreative Bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Titles:  
> See? Everything Is Fine. Calm The Fuck Down.
> 
> It’s Time For The Meddle-ers To Become The Meddle-ees, Or Some Stupid Shit Like That
> 
> That Relatable Feel When Your Friends Are Absolute Shit At Acting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is barely as long as i normally make them but i couldnt rly add anything else if i wanted it to still make sense
> 
> (i was listening to [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a76H3Uy1VeY) song the whole damn time i wrote this smh)

He woke up in a tangle of limbs, his shoulder slightly wet. A look down showed that Blue was essentially laying on top of him, drool slowly dripping out of the corner of his mouth and on his shirt. He brought the corner of the blanket up and wiped the drool off his chin, the other shifting slightly before latching on more firmly, letting out a sleepy mumble. Razz sighed at the sight, a gentle smile on his face, before he turned to look around the room. 

 

The TV had switched off at some point during the night (thank god that it would turn off after a certain amount of time, because for some goddamned reason it cost a shit ton of money to run), and a loud snoring was heard from the couch. Alphys was laying over top of Undyne, mouth open wide and the rise and falls of her chest lining up with the loud snorts. Well. That answered that question.

 

The door to the yard opened with a creak and a small click, and both Razz’s and Alphys’ heads shot up and over to look at the intruder. Upon seeing it was Slim, the latter visibly relaxed. Slim blinked at the pile on the couch, his tired mind taking a while to process the sight, before scowling. “For fucks sake, you two. I asked you to babysit, not canoodle on the damn sofa.”

 

Alphys yawned, her jaw full of filed teeth open wide, flipping the taller off before laying back down on her pillow/wife. Slim gave a yawn of his own, shuffling out of the living room and over to the stairs, Razz stopped him with a quiet voice as he passed by.

 

“Did you fix the machine?”

 

A dismissive wave.

 

“Yeah, yeah. No rest until it's done, yada yada yada.” Razz growled softly at the response. Slim sighed, stifling another yawn. “It's fixed, okay? I was up all night working on it, and I finally got it done, so calm down. You and your boyfriend can fuck and be gay in any universe you please now.” He gave a mocking curtsy. “Now, if your  _ highness _ will excuse me, I’m going the fuck to sleep.”

 

With that he started walking up the steps. Razz hesitated before he sighed. “Papyrus?” Said skeleton stopped, looking over his shoulder. 

 

“...” He was going to regret this.

 

“Bro?”

 

“...Good job.” He frowned. God, that was fucking awful. How the hell were people so damn nice and open with words and affection all the fucking time? Slim’s mouth stretched into a smirk, and Razz immediately regretted his decision. His brother looked from the sleeping Blue to his own face with a smug-ass grin, turning and placing both hands over his chest before putting them out in front of himself in the shape of a heart. Razz felt his eye twitch and his sockets go dark, and he raised his unpinned arm to flip the other off. A laugh was the only response given, much to his annoyance. Slim turned around and began walking up the steps towards his room, each footfall making a quiet creak.

 

He carefully pried Blue off of his arm, tucking the blanket around him before he started walking into the kitchen. He stopped when he passed by Alphys, reaching forward carefully before flicking her on the nose, hard. She woke with a start, her head shotting up and glaring at Razz, opening her mouth to snarl something before Razz stopped her with a shushing movement. He pointed to the still-sleeping Undyne and shrugged.

 

If she wanted to kick his ass, she’d have to wake up her wife.

 

Alphys looked down at the sleeping form, then back up to Razz with a quiet snarl. She mouthed “fuck you” silently, Razz smirking and flipping her off with both hands as he walked backwards into the kitchen. Looking at the counter, he realized that he had left all the eggs, and other ingredients, out from yesterday. He scowled. He’d have to throw all this away now. A goddamned waste. He gathered the perishables, putting them in the trash can before setting everything that was still fine in the places in the cabinets.

 

Once finished, he sighed softly and stood in the middle of the kitchen, tapping his fingers on his thigh, in thought. What the fuck was he supposed to eat for breakfast now? Blue would no doubt go home as soon as he woke up, and would eat there, and Razz honestly didn’t give a fuck as to where Alphys and Undyne ate as long as it was out of his house. He himself, however, needed some sort of sustenance. His magic gave an uncomfortable clench around his torso, and he huffed, looking around the kitchen before his eyes landed on the fridge. Je walked to the freezer and opened it, scanning the shelves before he found what he was looking for, pulling it out with a less-than-satisfied expression.

 

Frozen waffles.

 

He placed them on the counter, plugging in the toaster before placing two in the slots. He went to press the handle when he heard the sound of the machine in the shed starting up once, then twice. He turned to look at the kitchen door that lead to the backyard, counting down in his head for when one of the others would no doubt-

 

The door slammed open, a frazzled Stretch darting in before skidding to a stop beside Razz. “Where-”

 

Razz jerked his head towards the living room, and Stretch’s own head followed before the rest of his body. Razz watched him go. “But watch out for the-” A snarl from Alphys was heard before he could finish, Stretch giving a surprised shout and Blue waking up soon after, trying to calm her down. “attack lizard.” He finished, unhelpfully.

 

He heard a shuffle beside the still-open door, looking over to see Comic walking in, taking off his ratty slippers and setting them by the door before looking at Razz with a sleepy smile. Razz scowled at the other. He would be damned if he found himself fucking dealing with this meme-loving shit today. Comic walked over and looked down at the toaster.

 

“Huh. I didn’t know you liked waffles.”

 

Razz felt his personal bitchiness meter rise from 3 to 8. “Not as much as I like kicking your ass.” He was the fucking best at comebacks.

 

Comic looked off to the side, seeming unfazed as Razz kept direct eye contact while he pressed down the lever on the toaster. “Creative.”

 

Razz moved his gaze from the other to the entryway, having heard the fighting die down. Blue was scolding Alphys for starting a fight when she had no real reason to, and Alphys was trying to defend herself: “If he doesn’t want to get his ass kicked, then  _ maybe _ he shouldn’t run into rooms all panicked and sweaty-like, essentially begging to get beat up!” Personally, Razz had to agree with her.

 

He looked back to Comic to see the other tapping away at an odd device in his hands, a strange array of shapes and symbols being displayed on the screen while a whirring came from the extension off the device itself. Razz rolled his eyes. “I take it my brother told you the machine was fixed?” 

 

Comic nodded with a snicker. “As soon as Stretch found out he immediately left the chat to go find Blue.”

 

Razz looked the other up and down. “And why the hell are you here?”

 

His head snapped back to the side as a large crash was heard from the living room, seeing pieces of furniture skid across the floor before coming to a stop. Stretch had made a large amount of puns all in one go, annoying Alphys enough that she picked up the nearest item- which just so happened to be the coffee table- and chucked it in his direction. Stretch had dodged it and every attack since then, somehow managing to place whoopie cushions underneath of Alphys’ feet every time she took a step, causing the house to fill with noises of flatulence. This only served to further enrage the dinosaur. Razz mentally added the table to the checklist of things he would have to replace today. He looked back at Comic as the other continued talking.

 

“I enjoy basking in the meme-filled chaos.”

 

Undyne walked into the kitchen, yawning and combing through her hair with her fingers before trying to put it back up in a bun. She stopped when she saw Comic walking around the kitchen, waving the device over various objects. She scowled. “Dear g-god, there’s more of y-you.”

 

The toaster dinged, launching the waffles out of the slots, and Razz reached over and grabbed them while they were in the air, pretending that he wasn’t burning his fingers holding the crisp pastries. “They’re destroying my living room.”

 

She rolled her eyes. “And?”

 

He took a bite of the waffle, chewing it fully before swallowing. “So fucking turn them green or some shit.”

 

“Fuck y-you.”

 

Comic tapped on the device some more. “Oh man, we’re getting edgy A-F in here.” Undyne waved her hand in his direction with a frown and he stopped in his tracks, having been turned green. He gave a quiet sigh. “Aw man.”

 

She turned back to the entrance to the kitchen. Razz took another bite of his waffle. “ALPHYS!”

 

A clatter from the other room. “WHAT!”

 

Undyne crossed her arms. “S-STOP FUCKING UP R-RAZZ’S HOUSE!” He took another bite of waffle.

 

Alphys groaned before stomping into the kitchen. “Fine!” She stopped at seeing Comic sleeping while standing up, still green and holding onto the weird device. She scowled. “Oh my fucking god, they’re multiplying.” She looked over to Razz. “I can’t fucking believe that you and Blue had the nerve to have sex while we were only a few feet away-” She gestured to Comic, who cracked open a socket and raised his unoccupied hand in a peace sign. “And  _ now _ you have a  _ kid _ .”

 

Blue walked into the kitchen, Stretch thrown over his shoulder and snoring after the exertion of the “fight”. He looked at Alphys. “You know, I’m not really too sure that that’s how pregnancy works.”

 

Alphys scoffed and Comic chuckled, turning and looking at Blue. “Nope. Pretty sure you guys are my parents.” His eyes lit up and his smile got wider as he laughed. “Oh holy shit, Blue, does this mean I can call you Daddy?”

 

Blue’s mouth pulled down into a frown. “Comic, we’ve been over this before, don’t call me Daddy.”

 

Razz decided to ignore  _ that _ conversation, opting to turn to Alphys. “You know you’re really one to complain about having someone fuck around you.” Alphys just grinned and shrugged, not seeming to care one way or another.

 

Footsteps came into the kitchen, Razz turning his head and seeing Slim standing in the doorway and looking close to tears. “Holy hell you guys, for the love of fuck please be quiet so that I can  _ sleep _ . I’m so goddamned tired; this is the first time I’ve been awake for longer than five hours in years.”

 

Blue set Stretch down on his feet, the taller cracking his neck. Razz winced. What the fuck. Undyne pulled out her phone and tapped at her phone a bit before turned to Alphys. “W-well, this is getting a bit too g-gay for me, the heterosexual, so I’m g-gonna go.” Alphys nodded walking to leave, but not before darting up to Razz and giving him a hard slap on the ass, to which he shrieked and dropped his waffles, throwing a punch in her direction as she ran and picked up her wife and dashed out of the house.

 

Comic yawned, sweeping the device around the room a few more times. Stretch watched him do this with interest. “Anything?”

 

Comic gave his head a shake. “Nope.” He walked past Razz, and the machine gave a loud series of beeps before stopping. Comic stood, looking at it a bit before slowly taking a few steps backwards, the beeping getting louder when he was right in front of Razz. He moved the device over so the extended piece of metal was pointing directly at Razz, the machine giving a louder series of beeps and tones before it gave a loud ding, new symbols flying across the screen at a speed faster than Razz could comprehend. He looked down at the machine suspiciously, then at Comic, Stretch, and Slim. 

 

All three of them seemed shocked, worried even. He narrowed his eyes. 

 

Blue spoke up. “Uh… A metal detector?” This seemed to shake all the others out of their shock. 

 

Slim chuckled nervously. “That’s a little strange, bro. I’ve always considered you as more of a hard rock kinda guy.”

 

Razz looked at him, unamused, reading his nervous posture before his gaze moved over Stretch and Comic. His eyes landed on the device before they trailed back up to Comic. “What the hell is that.”

 

A small twitch happened on Comic’s face. “Uh.” The other’s eyelights moved over to Stretch and Slim, who were standing tensely beside each other, as if he were looking for help. His eyes flicked back to Razz and he blinked before his entire facade changed, instantly becoming more relaxed. He lifted the remote-like object. “Oh, you mean this? Heh, it’s a gay detector, actually.” He walked over to Stretch, moving it over his body before looking at the screen and nodding. He looked up at Stretch. “I’m sorry to tell you this, buddy, but I’m afraid you’re straight.”

 

Sometime during Comic’s charade, Slim and Stretch had slipped into a similar persona. Stretch gasped, lifting and placing a hand on his chest. “Gasp. It cannot be!”

 

Comic nodded solemnly, and Slim sighed, lifting a hand and placing it on Stretch’s shoulder in a comforting gesture. “I’m so sorry to tell you this.”

 

Stretch twisted his face into a grimace. “How do I tell my boyfriend?”

 

Slim grabbed his by his shoulders, turning him around and shaking him a bit. “Hey, don’t worry! They have gay camps that can  _ fix _ you.”

 

Comic walked up to Stretch, placing his own comforting hand on him back, leading Stretch out of the kitchen. They were both leaning into him, seeming to whisper comforting phrases of hope and acceptance. With a glance to his side, he turned to see Blue looking at the scene with as much annoyance as he felt. Razz frowned at Blue turned to look at him. “They’re hiding something.”

 

Blue nodded, glancing to where they had left before turning to look at Razz with a mischievous glint in his eyes. “You know… As the older brothers, it’s kinda our responsibilities to meddle.” He turned to fully face Razz, his grin widening. “Just to make sure that they aren’t getting themselves into trouble.”

 

Razz smirked. “It’s only fair. And, if Fell and Cream were to snoop on their own brothers, it would only make sense.” He crossed his arms, tilting his head to the side confidently. “After all, as younger brothers, they’re essentially obligated to snoop on their older siblings.”

 

Blue snickered, sticking out his fist, which Razz bumped with his own.

 

They’d figure out what shit they were dealing with together.

 

[ _ skeleton whores _ ]

 

**_Blue_ ** _ has opened a new chat at 2:02pm! _

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Cream_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Fell_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Stretch_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Red_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

 

**Blue:** Okay, I need you guys’ opinion on something!

 

**Red:** what

 

**Cream:** ???

 

**Blue:** Papy, ask the question.

 

**Stretch:** lol okay

 

**Stretch:** do you guys think that theres been a history of racial discrimination amongst minions within the factions of those with one eye and those with two

 

**Red:** blocked

 

**Fell:** Oh my fucking god, Stretch, what the hell.

 

**Fell:** I just physically retched.

 

**Razz:** I cannot believe that you, in the year of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, 20XX made me witness such a thing with my own two mortal eyes.

 

**Cream:** ㅇ ㅈ ㅇ;

 

**Cream:** He is shocked by this turn of horrific events!

 

**Blue:** He won’t stop arguing with me when I keep saying that there isn’t!

 

**Red:** okay so i just looked it up and apparently they only live to serve whoever the big villain is so i dont think that they have time for discrimination.

 

**Red:** their culture truly is far superior to ours.

 

**Fell:** Blue, look what you’ve done.

 

**Blue:** I’ve done nothing!

 

**Razz:** I think I’m getting an actual migraine from the sheer stupidity of this.

 

**Stretch:** perhaps but you dont think that maybe theres some history of factions

 

**Stretch:** especially within that frame of time in the movie where they have no discernible boss

 

**Stretch:** maybe some were better able to survive due to increased depth perception and were segregated as such

 

**Razz:** Oh my god.

 

**Cream:** 우 ㅈ 우 

 

**Cream:** You’ve made him cry.

 

**Fell:** As much as I would love to continue to read this bullshit, I’m afraid the two of you have to leave.

 

**Red:** why?

 

**Fell:** We have to plot.

 

**Stretch:** plot

 

**Cream:** Yes! Plot! Like for farmville and other farming simulation video games that in no way have any real effect on our actual lives ha ha!

 

**Blue:** (Good one!)

 

**Cream:** (Thank you!)

 

**Stretch:** um

 

**_Fell_ ** _ has kicked  _ **_Stretch_ ** _ from the chat! _

 

**Red:** i really need to fucking remove that option from your messenger.

 

**Fell:** Too late now, bitch.

 

**_Fell_ ** _ has kicked  _ **_Red_ ** _ from the chat! _

 

**Cream:** Now! What is “the plot”?

 

**Blue:** Yeah, give us the low-down!

 

**Fell:** Low-down?

 

**Blue:** We have to talk like spies now with secret codes and stuff.

 

**Razz:** Cool. The phrase “cut the skinny” is actually cue for “shut the fuck up”.

 

**Cream:** Nice!

 

**Razz:** Cut the skinny, bitch.

 

**Cream:** ヽ(￣д￣;)ノ 

 

**Cream:** Oh no, I’ve been insulted with spy lingo.

 

**Cream:** Whatever will I do.

 

**Razz:** Fuck off.

 

**Blue:** Let’s try to focus, please!

 

**Fell:** I agree. Just find out whatever you can about what’s going on with our brothers, because they've been really damn secretive thus far and I’m sick and tired of it.

 

**Blue:** I can look through their old chats to see what they said while none of us were there! I can also delete this chat once we’re finished so they can’t see our marvelous plan!

 

**Fell:** …

 

**Cream:** ???

 

**Razz:** How?

 

**Blue:** My brother keeps logs on all the chats.

 

**Blue:** Sometimes I go back and read over some of the ones that I’ve missed to make sure I didn't get left out of something important.

 

**Blue:** Like, say, that matchmaker party, for instance.

 

**Fell:** ……….

 

**Cream:** Oh…

 

**Razz:** The what?

 

**Cream:** Not important! I’ll see what I can find out okay see you guys later bye!!!!

 

**_Cream_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Blue:** Fell?

 

**Fell:** I’m going to go through all the shit on his desk in the shed. There better be something worth finding there, because it’s going to be an absolute nightmare to not organize.

 

**Razz:** What party?

 

**Blue:** Good luck!

 

**_Fell_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Razz:** BLUE. WHAT PARTY.

 

**Blue:** That one that we went to at Grillby’s a while ago that was a plan to get us together and stuff.

 

**Razz:** What.

 

**Razz:** Did you know about it beforehand?

 

**Blue:** Probably not!

 

**Razz:** Probably!?

 

**Blue:** Gotta go now, Razz, talk to you later!

 

**Blue:** <3 xoxo

 

**Razz:** What the fuck does “probably” mean?!

 

**_Blue_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Razz:** Blue!

 

**Razz:** Goddammit.

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has left the chat! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cant believe that stretch is straight, like holy shit you guys


	12. Honesty Is For The Birds, Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Titles:  
> I’m Still Reeling From The Sheer Amount Of Perspective Changes That Are In This Chapter
> 
> One Positive Thing About Being Seen As “Innocent” Is That No One Suspects It When You’re Actually Doing Something Kinda Bad But Whatever
> 
> The Best Out Of Context Quote From This Chapter: “He scowled once more, grabbing the dick”
> 
> So Apparently Animal Abuse Is An Early Sign Of Antisocial Personality Disorder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was actually a lot of fun to write and i rly enjoyed myself

 

Fell walked into the room in the basement, looking over the area with barely contained disgust. Dear god, it was even worse than he had thought it would be, and his standards were set low in the first place. Wads of paper were scattered everywhere, and a large pile of mustard bottles was sitting in the corner. Some of the bottles must not have been empty, because a creeping pile of yellow sludge was poking out from underneath the bottles. Socks were thrown on top of the mound as if a garnish. Fell shuddered, doing his best to ignore the mess and just get what he needed off of the desk. 

 

He walked over to the desk, bending down to open one of the drawers when he saw that the handle was... It was carved into the shape of a dick. What the fuck. What the actual fuck was wrong with his brother. He scowled once more, grabbing the dick and yanking it open, the door being stuck until he gave it another harsh tug and it came free, opening to show…

 

A large mass of colored dildos.

 

Fell closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before shutting the door. Well. Now he knew why the handle was the only one shaped like a dick.

 

Further snooping in the other drawers revealed that, while the bottom right one was the only one filled with silicone mistakes, the others were in the same disarray as the rest of the basement. He clenched his hands into fists.

 

He would have to clean this room to find something that was worth anything in this goddamn mess.

 

God have mercy.

 

Red came down a few hours later, seeming shocked to find piles of trash in a controlled burn, with Fell angrily shoving handfuls of garbage into a bag that he was carrying around. Fell heard the sound of footsteps on the stairs and his head shot up, eyes narrowing into a glare when he saw the source of the mess standing at the bottom.

 

“Uh… Bro? What are you doing down here?”

 

Fell growled, shoving another empty mustard bottle into the bag with more force than necessary. “At first I was just fucking snooping through your shit, but now I’m fucking cleaning everything because this is goddamn ridiculous. Like-” He stomped over to the desk, picking up two pieces of bread that had a large amount of mustard drenched in between them. The only other thing in the sandwich was a dirty sock. “Like  _ this! _ What the fuck even  _ is _ this?!”

 

Red blinked a few times before he grinned, shrugging. “Eh, you know me. Always putting my foot in my mouth.”

 

Fell paused with the disgrace to culinary arts in his hands, trying not to clench his fists and cause the mustard to seep out of the sandwich. He walked to the trash bag, picking it up before dropping the bread in the bag with barely contained anger. “I want you and your shitty, half-assed puns out of the house in the next three seconds or so help me  _ god _ ,” he stepped forwards and Red took a nervous half-shuffle back, “those piles of paper won’t be the only things burning in this house.”

 

Red grinned nervously before giving a shaky salute, popping out of the room as quickly as he came. Fell looked over to the pile of papers he had sitting on the (now clean) desk, being held flat by some paperweights to get rid of the wrinkles.

 

This had better fucking be worth it.

 

\---------

 

Cream watched as his brother left the house with a wave to go sell his fried snow in a bottle on the street corner. Humans were weird in how they wanted everything to be packaged when they bought it. He had always eaten his fried snow in the way that it was supposed to be eaten!

 

But that was besides the point.

 

He went up to his room, grabbing the large black cloak that he had gotten as a gift from Fell one time, before pulling up the hood to hide his face. He checked his reflection in the mirror before posing proudly. He looked cool  _ and _ sneaky, like Robin Hood! Only he wasn’t stealing from the rich, he was sneaking around in his brother’s stuff to possibly put an end to this “prank” the others were talking about.

 

He stopped in front of the switch, staring at it before he decided against turning on the light. The whole point of the black cloak was to help him blend into the night, and though it was still 9am, he believed that it still applied as long as it was dark. He crept down the stairs slowly, taking them one at a time to be as careful as possible in the dark-

 

His foot caught on the edge of the cloak and he gave a surprised shout, feeling himself fall forward, going to tumble down the rest of the stairs when he landed on the floor of the basement. He blinked, looking back and squinting in the dim area. Oh. He had been at the bottom.

 

He looked back into the interior of the room with a small huff. He couldn’t see anything. Unless… He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his phone, swiping up and opening up the flashlight built in, giving a triumphant laugh. Now he could see,  _ and _ he was still committed to his aesthetic!

 

He shuffled over to the desk, careful not to knock over any piles of trash (ew) or disturb the mounds of ketchup packets (ugh) as he searched for…

 

What was he looking for again? Razz and Blue had described it as a “remote”, but beyond that, he hadn’t been given much. Maybe there was a chance that Comic had just taken the tv remote with himself to Swapfell by accident, as Cream himself often did. There were many times when he would go to get a drink and come back to the couch, to find that he couldn’t unpause his MTT movie due to the lack of a remote, only to realize that he had accidently set the remote in the fridge.

 

Then again, they had mentioned something about “antenna” and “beeping” and “gay”, and he was pretty sure that their tv remote had none of those things. He shuffled around the messy room, moving the flashlight here and there to try to get a good view when he saw something small and box-like peeking out from under a pile of socks. He wrinkled his nose, grabbing the corner of the device with two fingers in a claw and pulling out from underneath, looking over it carefully. 

 

Small, remote-like, an antennae coming out of the top. Granted, it wasn’t beeping and he didn’t really see anything gay, but he was pretty sure that this was it! He gave a triumphant laugh, spinning around and posing, before the lights to the basement came on and he stopped immediately, standing nervously in the center of the floor.

 

His brother’s voice came down the stairs. “Bro? Are you down here?”

 

Cream tensed up, looking around the room then down at the device before cramming it under his cloak, turning around with what he hoped was a convincing grin. Comic was standing at the bottom of the stairs, giving him a confused look. Cream looked to his side- to the stairs and to freedom- before looking back down at his brother. He needed to find a way out of here fast. “OH! WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TIME! I NEED TO FIND THE BATHROOM!” And with that cleverly constructed excuse, he darted past his brother and up the stairs with a loud “NYEH!”

 

Comic stared at where his brother slammed the door open, chuckling. “Your cloak looks really cool bro!”

 

Thudding footsteps came back. Cream poked his head around the frame of the upstairs door with a smile. “THANK YOU!”

 

\---------

 

Blue knew that he needed to go to the computer downstairs in order to look at the logs on the chats, but with his brother hovering over him like he was afraid he would break if he took his eyes off him for too long, that was proving to be difficult, if not impossible. For goodness sake,  _ he _ was the older brother here, not Stretch! But this situation merely required tact and patience, as well as a clever plan. So, he did what he always did when there was something that he wanted.

 

He pulled out the (ugh) “cute”.

 

“Hey, Papy!” Stretch looked up from his joke book. Inside a quantum mechanics book. Inside a joke book. Blue decided to stop thinking about it too hard before he got a headache.

 

“Yeah bro?”

 

“I was planning on making some breakfast tacos, but we’re out of taco seasoning!” He played the role perfectly, starting out with a large grin before letting his face fall slightly at the right point, the eyelights in his pupils dimming and shrinking slightly before he looked up at his brother, pulling his best puppy dog eyes. “Could you go to the store and get me some?”

 

His brother agreed almost instantly, waving goodbye as he walked out the door. Blue watched the bright orange sweatshirt as it retreated down their lawn before blipping out of sight with a teleport. Blue grinned, giving his best evil laugh (Which was actually just his normal laugh, but pitched down just a little bit. He’d have to ask Razz and Fell to see if any part of it needed work.) before dashing away from the front window. He grabbed his phone as he trotted down the stairs, speed dialing Alphys’ number.

 

She picked up almost before the first ring cut off. “SANS! HAVE YOU FUCKED YOUR BOYFRIEND YET?!”

 

He sighed. “Do you really have to start every conversation that we have with that?”

 

She cackled loudly. “Eyy, I’m just messing around. But, I didn’t hear a no.” She said, in a sing-song voice.

 

Blue sighed again, as he had found himself doing very often nowadays. He decided to ignore her comment. “Hey, I just sent Papyrus to the store. Could you two maybe… Keep him distracted?”

 

There was silence on the other end of the phone, and Blue almost thought that the signal was cut off before loud, raucous laughter came through the receiver. “Do you need him distracted for…” She shushed Undyne, who was giggling loudly in the background. “For adult time with Razz?”

 

He rolled his eyes as he pulled up the chat storage program on the computer, spinning around in the swivel chair at the desk as he watched the bar move across the screen. “Yeah, yeah, that’s  _ definitely _ the reason.”

 

She chortled, and both her and Undyne agreed to keep the taller distracted for as long as possible. Blue thanked them and hung up, twirling back around to look at the chat logs with tented fingers. He blinked, squinting and scooting closer to the screen when he saw that the last chat read hadn’t been one that he had missed out on. It was just Razz and he was… Talking to… 

 

The lights in the house flickered off and the screen went black, Blue yelping in surprise as he was left in darkness. A few clicks and a whirr, and the power came back on, the computer starting up and loading slowly. He groaned, leaning back in the chair and sliding down until he was almost hanging out of the seat. Great. Now he had to wait for it to load again. He supposed that he could go upstairs and  _ actually _ make breakfast tacos for the wait.

 

He hopped out of the chair, going up the steps and beginning to get out the pans and such. Little did his brother know that he kept packets of taco seasoning in his wallet for emergencies just like this! He always came prepared!

 

He just hoped that the other’s searching was going better than his own.

 

\---------

 

Razz leaned forward once more, adding more alcohol to his brother’s soda. He had found that, once long ago, his brother was an extraordinarily talkative drunk. It had been annoying at first, especially when he would come home in the middle of the nights from Muffets, refusing to go to bed as Razz tried to move him upstairs, instead wanting to talk about everything: from the true meaninglessness of life against the vastness of what they don’t know to “oh, hey, that wall looks nice, that’s a nice wall”. Eventually, he came to learn that he could use it to his advantage whenever he wanted to wheedle information out of his brother without him remembering it later.

 

Like now for instance.

 

“You know whas weird? Cars. The movie, not the actual machine things, but I guess those are pretty weird too. But in the movie they’re all essentially cyclopses with two pupils. S’weird.”

 

Razz rolled his eyes. He could work with this, he supposed. “You’re right. Those are weird machines.” Slim nodded vigorously, squinting and staring at the ceiling as he was reminded of the weird movie. Razz continued. “You know what other machine is weird?” Slim looked at him expectantly, waiting for the response. “The machine out in the shed.”

 

Slim gasped before letting his head fall back, staring at the ceiling with wide eyes. “Oh my god, you’re so right,” he slurred. “Those flare-ups in the code have been really weird.” Razz took this in carefully, narrowing his eyes. So the issues with the machines and the universes was likely due to something wrong with the universal code.

 

Razz poured the other more drink. “Ah, yes. Those weird flare-ups. What odd thing has been causing those?”

 

Slim huffed, sliding down on the couch until he reached the floor, leaning his head back on the seat cushion, sitting on the floor. “We don't  _ know _ . That’s whas frustrating about it.” He grabbed the drink off the table before Razz was done topping it off, causing him to spill the bottle’s contents on the coffee table. Razz scowled, walking into the other room and grabbing a towel, coming back in to see his brother staring at a wall, mumbling something. He wiped it up silently as he listened.

 

“It’s really weird… This code scrambling stuff… We’ve almost had it figured out a couple times, but ev’ry time we get close ta seeing whas actually going on it scrambles again…” He gave a pouty huff, taking a drink. Razz watched him with a growing sense of apprehension at his words. Something was definitely wrong. He looked up, seeming to just remember that Razz was standing there and giving a wide smile. “Hey, but you don't gotta worry ‘bout it cuz your code shit is fine.” He turned back to his drink with a hum. “S’the only one that hasn’t changed. Besides the cat’s.” A sudden laugh, as if he was just remembering something funny. “Comic said that whatever thing’s been fuckin with the code and shit is wrapped ‘round yours like some… kinda… blanket…”

 

He trailed off slowly, blinking a few times as he realized what was going on. He gasped sharply. “Oh man, I wasn’t s’posed to tell you that stuff about the codes!”

 

Razz rolled his eyes, his worry being slightly overshadowed by annoyance at the moment. “Don’t worry. You didn’t mention anything about the universe codes or the thing that’s apparently protecting my own code.”

 

Slim blinked again, processing this response before slumping down again, sighing in relief. “Oh thank god.”

 

Razz stood, nodding and going to the door to put on his boots. He had all the information he needed, and it was time for him to go meet with the others. Slim spoke up from the couch. “Bro? Where you going?”

 

Razz stood, checking to see that he had his phone and wallet before he looked at his brother. “Blue, Cream, Fell, and I are all going to Underswap to…” He looked off to the side, seeing the kitchen and moving his gaze back to his brother. “Cook.”

 

Slim frowned, trying to get up but, with his drunken uncoordination, he only managed to flop onto his side on the floor with a grunt. “Ya sure thas a good idea bro? You guys er kinda… Flammable.” He slurred. 

 

Razz rolled his eyes, scowling. “For fucks sake, I always carry the fire extinguisher with me.” Even though they wouldn’t be cooking, things had a habit of… spontaneously combusting around Cream and Fell. He always came prepared.

 

He walked out of the front of the house, not bothering to wait for his brother’s response before he went to the shed, booting the machine up for Underswap. He stood in front of where the portal would appear, crossing his arms and tapping his foot impatiently. Ever since the machine had broken, it took twice as long to load now.

 

He heard a quiet meow and looked over to see the Annoying Cat laying on top of the computer screen, watching him carefully. He took a step towards it, and then another, and another until he was standing right beside it. They stood, looking at each other. The cat lowered its ears, watching him warily. Quickly, before it could properly react, his hand shot forward and he grabbed it by the scruff on its neck, lifting it and ignoring it screeched yowls. He held it in front of him, making sure that he was out of range of its claws, as he walked back to the house, opening the door and throwing the cat in an arc onto his brother. He shut the door as a loud hiss came from the room, with surprised and pained screeches following soon after. He chuckled as he walked back to the shed, hearing more screams and various crashes coming from the house, entering the shed to see that the portal was open and ready.

 

Well, that was one way to pass the time.

 

He stepped through, walking into the Swap brother’s house. Briefly, he wondered where Stretch was before he immediately realized that he didn’t give a shit. He walked down the stairs to see Blue and Cream already conversing, eating a plate of steaming tacos. Blue saw him walk in, waving him over and giving him a quick peck on the cheek. He huffed, trying to hide a blush, and Cream made a gagging noise. He gave the other an annoyed look and Blue stuck out his tongue. A bang from upstairs was heard as the door was slammed open hard enough to dent the wall, Fell proudly stomping down the stairs and holding a few sheets of paper in his hand. 

 

He set them on the table beside Cream’s remote and the chat log open on the computer with a huff. “I went through the equivalent of hell and back for this shit so it better actually be worth something.”

 

Blue sighed, looking at the chat logs. “Unfortunately, any conversations that they’d had about whatever’s going on were deleted from the history, so  _ that’s _ not gonna be any real help.”

 

Razz gestured at the pile of papers that were on the table. “What the hell are those?”

 

“Fuck if I know,” Fell scoffed. “I just grabbed the papers that had the latest date printed on them. I already checked the numbers and shit in our machine and- no surprise- they’re the codes for our universes.” He crossed his arms, tapping his fingers on the bone. “Though there were some differences in the sequences of the codes here and there, it was nothing really major. Not a lot of help.”

 

Blue thanked him for bringing them anyways, but Razz was too focused on the papers to really bother listening. The changes in code that his brother had mentioned… Was this what he was talking about?

 

Fell’s voice snapped him out of his train of thought. “Well, what about… Whatever the hell that thing is.” He pointed at the remote on the table.

 

Cream gave it a poke with his finger. “Apparently, it’s a gay remote.”

 

Fell rolled his eyes. “Good for it. I was asking what it actually did.”

 

Blue scratched the back of his head. “We, uh, actually haven’t figured out how it works yet.”

 

Fell scoffed. “Then smash it open,” he stated, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “Preferably with a hammer.”

 

Razz gave the other a critical glare. “Sorry to question your bullshit logic, but if it’s destroyed, then how the fuck are we supposed to figure out how it works?”

 

“Tape it back together.”

 

Cream cleared his throat, getting the attention of everyone. “I don’t think that’ll work.”

 

Fell rolled his eyes. “Trust me. It’s science. It’s called reverse engineering.”

 

Blue sighed. “That’s not how that works and you know it. You’ve been spending too much time with my brother.” The mention of Stretch caused the other’s eyes to widen before he glanced at the clock nervously. “Speaking of which, we should probably try to hurry this up, because I’m really not too sure how long Undyne and Alphys will keep my brother distracted by what I told them.”

 

The entire room stared blankly at him. Razz raised a brow. “What did you tell them you’d be doing?”

 

Blue looked at him nervously before glancing away with a blush. “They might think that I’m having ‘adult times’ with my boyfriend?”

 

The room was dead silent. Cream shuffled from one foot to the other. “Well, if that’s what we’re actually going to be doing then I’ve grossly misunderstood the whole plan and I’m gonna leave.”

 

Razz scowled, fighting down a blush and about to make a cutting comment before Fell interrupted. “That’s a load of unfair bullshit, I think, because my Undyne and Alphys never cover for me with shit like that.” He turned and looked at Cream with a grimace. “Do you know how many times my brother has walked in on me and Stretch and made a joke along the lines of-” He brought his arms up, making large air quotes with a disgusted look on his face and dropping his voice into a poor imitation of Red’s. “‘Hey, bro, when I told you to go fuck yourself earlier today, I didn’t think that you’d take it literally.’” He sighed, dropping his arms. Cream placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “And Stretch always joins in with him. It’s terrible.”

 

Blue huffed and started to argue with the other two about wasting time, Cream and Fell denying that they ever did such a thing. Razz watched them blankly before he looked down at the remote with a long-suffering sigh. He reached forward to pick it up when it gave a loud beep. Everyone immediately stopped talking to look down at the device. It beeped again, and again, slowly starting to pick up speed. Cream looked over at him. “Razz, what did you do?”

 

He frowned. “Why the fuck do you think that I did anything?” He looked back to the device and picked it up, looking at the entirely black screen on it. It suddenly switched on, and various sequences of numbers and symbols rushed across the screen. The beeping became a loud staccato, getting louder and louder until it was a single tone. The screen suddenly switched off, and Razz thought he saw a reflection of a face in the darkness before the device started heating up. Quickly. He yelped, throwing it away from himself just in time for it to explode in mid-air, pieces shooting out in every direction, with the bulk of the now-ashen husk dropping onto the ground a few feet away.

 

They all stared blankly at it before Fell turned to Razz with an annoyed look. “Razz, what the fuck.”

 

He flipped the other off. He had absolutely nothing to do with that. All he did was pick it up. Cream sighed heavily, walking over to the shell of plastic and putting it in his inventory. He turned to the others with a worried expression. “I  _ really _ hope that wasn’t the tv remote.”

 

Blue laughed and Fell rolled his eyes, walking to the stairs. The other two quickly followed, but Razz stayed where he was, looking at the unreadable sequence of numbers on the papers. Blue noticed that he wasn’t with them and called down the stairs. “Razz? You coming?”

 

Razz looked up at Blue, then back down at the papers. He took them and folded them neatly, slipping them into his inventory. “I’m coming.”

 

They stayed in the living room of the house for a bit, Blue and Cream joking about with him and Fell throwing in the occasional snide comment. The paper seemed to make him weigh ten times what was normal. He really should tell the other, but… Seeing him joking around in such a carefree manner, the occasional huff at what was no doubt a comment about the inevitability of their brothers’ “prank”, he…

 

He didn’t want to crease that face with worry.

 

[ _ skeleton whores _ ]

 

**_Slim_ ** _ has opened a new chat at 7:46pm! _

 

**_Cream_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Blue_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Red_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Comic_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

 

**Slim:** okay so would any of you guys mind telling me why i’ve just woken up with a bitch of a hangover and no memory of the past day?

 

**Red:** did you get shit-faced or some shit

 

**Slim:** i don’t know, i remember nothing. 

 

**Slim:** that’s why i was seeing if you guys knew why.

 

**Cream:** Well, we haven’t had any sort of party thing if that’s what you want to know!

 

**Slim:** fffffuck

 

**Red:** get fucked asslord lmfao

 

**Comic:** speaking of unknown things happening does n e 1 kno wut happened 2 my remote thingamajig

 

**Blue:** The what?

 

**Cream:** Um!

 

**Comic:** my gay detector

 

**Blue:** …

 

**Cream:** Your what?

 

**Red:** eh, my bro may have taken it

 

**Comic:** wut makes u say that

 

**Red:** he was sorting through the shit on my desk and he fucking cleaned it all and “organized” it and shit

 

**Red:** now i cant fucking find anything

 

**Comic:** o god

 

**Comic:** do u think he cleaned my shit

 

**Red:** theres a possibility

 

**Cream:** Yeah, Sans, maybe it was just cleaned! And! Misplaced!

 

**Cream:** Hopefully it’s not broken! But it might be, which would be absolutely awful but probably entirely an accident, you know?

 

**Blue:** …

 

**Blue:** Oh boy.

 

**Red:** slim are you gonna say anything or are you just gonna keep silent and read the messages like a creeper

 

**Slim:** listen, fuck off man, the light of my phone is giving me a splitting headache and i can’t stare at the screen for too long.

 

**Blue:** Just exit out of the chat if it’s hurting you! We’re fine with it!

 

**Red:** im not fine with it he better keep his ass here

 

**Slim:** i can’t leave, how else am i supposed to stay updated on the memes and whatnot?

 

**Cream:** I can send you any memes that you missed later, when you’re feeling better!

 

**Slim:** you.

 

**Slim:** are an angel.

 

**Slim:** comic, we’re trading, you can fucking deal with razz.

 

**Comic:** please god no

 

**Blue:** What’s so bad with Razz?

 

**Red:** yeah you gotta be careful there buddy, blues not too fond of people insulting his boyfriend

 

**Slim:** the insult, if you could honestly call what i just said an insult, is entirely justified.

 

**Slim:** he just fucking walked into my room and turned on every fucking light and now he’s playing fucking loud ass music and my head is going to  _ explode _ .

 

**Blue:** …

 

**Blue:** Okay, that is kinda bad.

 

**Cream:** I went downstairs to look for your Gay Remote and I found it, but it was entirely broken and exploded when I found it, and it had nothing to do with anything that I did so maybe it did get cleaned or something ha ha.

 

**Comic:** aw shit

 

**Comic:** r we rly gonna blame this shit on fell

 

**Slim:** if we are blaming him, then i wanna blame my hangover on him instead of my own irresponsible decisions.

 

**_Red_ ** _ has taken a screenshot of the chat! _

 

**Comic:** wut

 

**Red:** lmfao im showing this to my bro

 

**Blue:** What!?

 

**Red:** ;)

 

**Red:** later assholes

 

**_Red_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Comic:** i cant believe that im living my last moments on earth

 

**Cream:** Oh no.

 

**Blue:** I wasn’t a part in any of this! I don’t deserve to die!

 

**Slim:** if i’m really about to die, then i’m gonna go fill my bro’s pillow with spray cheese.

 

**Slim:** it was an honor knowing all of you.

 

**_Slim_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Blue:** Oh man.

 

**Comic:** i guess i should make my funeral arrangements

 

**Comic:** right bro

 

**Cream:** Sans, we’ve been over this before, we’re  _ not  _ spreading your dust on a fursuit.

 

**Comic:** im a wolf trapped in a skeletons body

 

**Comic:** u dont understand me

 

**Comic:** no1 does

 

**Comic:** :C

 

**Blue:** Well, that’s enough of that.

 

**_Blue_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Cream:** Look! You’ve scared him away with your yiffing!

 

**Comic:** yiff yiff whats for dinner

 

**Cream:** Communion. We’re going to church to ask for forgiveness.

 

**Comic:** aw man not again

 

**_Cream_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Comic:** :’C

  
**_Comic_ ** _ has left the chat! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, i cant believe that everything is perfectly fine and that nothing bad is ever gonna happen lol
> 
> (blue did ask for tips on his evil laugh from fell and razz. the former said that an evil laugh is more about volume, while the latter believes that its more to do with the expression and posture. they had an evil laugh off and stretch walked in while it was happening. everyone involved was embarrassed, aside from cream who was recording it all on his phone)


	13. *X-Files Theme Song*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Titles:  
> Insert A Completely Generic Meme In An Attempt To Make Myself Seem Funnier Than I Truly Am
> 
> What Is Love? Baby Don’t Hurt Me, Don’t Hurt Me, No More…
> 
> Low-Key I Was Watching Megamind The Entire Time I Was Writing This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my laptop fucking BROKE so guess who has to save up for a new one now? :^)

He growled, crumpling up the piece of notepad paper that he had been scribbling on. He swiped it off of his desk and into the trash can beside it, pretending not to notice how it bounced off the top of the already overfilled bin. Razz sighed as he picked up the pen again, glaring down at the blank notepad as if he had been personally offended. The last time he had been in such a position, frustratingly jotting down ideas and plans and circling things randomly, it had been before he had asked Blue out on a date. Speaking of which, he needed to go on another date soon. They’d gone on a few more after the first, only one of which ended in him putting out a fire, so he would say that they were all overall successes. But that was besides the point.

 

What he was working on now wasn’t nearly as pressing or fun, but was something that he was finding himself beginning to obsess over. Part of him wished that Fell had never brought the damn universal codes to the meeting in the first place, but the other part- the part that loved a challenge- was feverishly using all of his knowledge and skill to try to make any sense of the numbers. 

 

He’d pulled all of his previous knowledge of number theory as well as yanking a few dusty old tomes on theory and coding off the bottom of his bookshelf (taking care to not knock over Fluffy Bunny, of course) in an attempt to read the numbers. There was a pattern to this altering, he had come to find out after printing off the current codes to each universe. Certain alters were repeated within different sections, changing minute details about the universes. There was a total of about four different alter patterns within the universes. He groaned, rubbing his temples and closing his eyes shut tightly, taking a slight break from staring at the black markings before he continued his examination.

 

Razz got to his own universe after a while, looking over the differences and similarities in code for each before blinking in shock. He stopped for a moment, checking to make sure that the new code in his hand really was matched to the one from the beginning, before going over it again, slower this time. The similarities suddenly stopped as the repeats of the four different alters were scattered throughout in a series of patterns. In every instance before, the changes were minute, but this? This was changed entirely.

 

The differences stopped as suddenly as they started, and Razz was promptly left staring at what was the exact same code as the comparison piece, number for number, space for space. He read over it before the copy stopped and the alters were repeated again. The changes were blocking off the coding from everything else, almost as if…

 

He looked at it closer, moving one of his fingers along the page. Was… was this his code? It made sense, if what his brother told him was anything to go by, since the changes were around the coding itself and not-

 

He heard a loud crash come from downstairs and his head shot up. He sighed heavily as another crash came, pushing himself away from the desk and walking to his door. He opened it and looked down over the banister. Nothing. A third loud crash came, this time from the kitchen, and Razz scowled. “PAPYRUS!”

 

There was a pause, the sound of shuffling and a few quieter clunks coming before he yelled back. “Uh! Yeah?!”

 

“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?!”

 

Slim stuck his head out of the doorway to the kitchen, looking around and up from the frame at his brother. Razz’s eyes narrowed as he saw a streak of red on the other’s cheek. Slim quickly noticed where the angry gaze was directed and glanced down at the streak, wiping it off before looking up at Razz, sweating slightly. “Nothing?!”

 

Razz gave his best cold stare, pushing himself back from the banister and walking down the stairs. He was barefoot, so the steps didn’t sound nearly as menacing as they did when he was wearing his heeled boots, but it would have to do. He walked past his stammering imbecile of a brother and into the kitchen. His scowl deepened. What the fuck. Two pots were boiling on the stove, threatening to overflow. What looked like marinara sauce was haphazardly splattered across the cabinets... and walls… and floors… and- holy shit there was a mound of it that was writhing on the floor. The mound gave an unhappy mrowl. Oh. It was just the cat.

 

“How the hell did you fuck up at something this badly?” He moved his gaze from the steadily advancing cat to the pots on the stove. One was filled with the sauce that was strewn about the room, and the other was a plain pot of water that was boiling over with what looked like a few spaghetti noodles sticking out of the top. He turned to give Slim an unamused look. “Dox that question. Why the fuck are you making spaghetti?”

 

Slim glanced off to the side nervously. “I’m… not?”

 

Razz inhaled deeply, pinching his nasal bone between his fingers. “You’re not making spaghetti.”

 

“Nnnnnooo?” He drew the word out, looking at the ceiling, floor, anywhere to avoid Razz’s angry stare.

 

“So you have no idea how this mess got here.”

 

Slim closed his eyes and nodded. “Nope.”

 

Razz blinked, his bullshit detector going off at the current moment. “So, just to clarify one final time, that’s  _ not _ your pot of spaghetti that’s currently on fire.”

 

“No it's no- wait what the fuck!” Slim turned on his heel quickly to look at the flaming pot of boiling water, quickly rushing forward to try to put it out. Razz watched it in annoyance. What was the deal with the Papyruses being able to set almost anything on fire, no matter how seemingly impossible? He’d never know. Reaching into his inventory, he pulled out the fire extinguisher and lofted it in one hand before chucking it as hard as he could at Slim’s skull. It hit its target with a dull thud, both the extinguisher and Slim falling to the floor, unconscious. Razz sighed. Great. This is what he got for trying to help.

 

He picked the extinguisher off of the floor, pulling the pin on it and spraying the fire. Once it was out, he gave the area one final spray before he walked over and dropped the can on Slim’s back. The other didn’t move. Razz scowled. It was no fun when there wasn’t a reaction. He rolled his eyes, going back upstairs- not before leaving a note threatening his brother if he tried to pull this cooking shit again- and pulling on his boots, grabbing the papers and shrugging on his jacket. He wasn’t making any real progress on his own, so he’d have to regretfully ask for…  _ assistance _ from someone that he knew would be able to make sense of the number bullshit.

 

He pulled out his phone, sending a quick text to Alphys and Undyne.

 

**>** I’m coming over now. There’s something important I have to ask about.

 

**[Fish Bitch]** We don’t want you here.

 

**>** Too fucking bad, bitch. I’m already on my way.

 

**[Weak-Ass Lizard]** IF YOU COME OVER, THEN IM GONNA INTERROGATE YOU ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH BLUE, BITCH

 

**>** Fine. Whatever.

 

**[Weak-Ass Lizard]** FUCK YEA!!!

 

He sighed heavily, putting his phone in his pocket and starting his bike, putting on his helmet and pulling out of the garage. Razz narrowed his eyes as he drove, gripping the handlebars tighter. He intended to focus purely on driving so he didn’t end up killing himself.

 

He made it to their house in record time, kicking open the door and walking in like he owned the place. He heard a shuffle come from the area of the kitchen, and Undyne’s voice followed soon after. “A-alphys! Sans is here!”

 

A thud from behind him, like someone running into a wall after not being able to stop quickly enough, and Alphys shot out of the hallway at himself. He was quick enough to be able to drop on the floor, the other flying over top of him and skidding to a stop a few feet away. She turned with a cackle, pulling her lips back into a huge grin as she slammed her tail on the floor. A table near her jumped a few inches in the air before it landed back on the ground with a clatter. “SANS! TIME TO HAVE YOUR DEEPEST SECRETS REVEALED!”

 

Razz scowled at her, standing back up fully and flipping her off. “Fuck you!” That was, apparently, the wrong answer, as Alphys let out a primal screech before lunging at him a second time, catching him in the legs and knocking him to the floor. She gave a triumphant laugh after she had pinned him to the floor.

 

Undyne peeked her head out of the kitchen, a few ramen noodles hanging out of her mouth. She slurped them up loudly before she spoke. “Honey, y-you can beat the shit out of him after w-we see what he n-needs help with.”

 

Alphys groaned, as if the very thought of holding out on whaling on someone was an unaccomplishable task, but got off of Razz anyways. He grumbled as he stood up, brushing off his knees and glaring at her. As if she could actually beat the shit out of him. He walked over to Undyne, pulling the papers out of his pocket: the ones that Fell had gotten and the ones from the most current codes of the universes. Undyne raised a brow. “W-what the fuck is th-this?”

 

He sighed, rolling his eyes. “The codes for the universes. Beyond that, I have no fucking clue.”

 

She set down her bowl of noodles, taking the papers from his hands and walking to her computer. He followed, standing by her shoulder as she scanned the papers (the old ones and then the new ones) into her laptop, pulling up the views on two separate sides of her screens. “So, w-what are we looking for?”

 

Razz folded his arms, watching as the numbers moved across the screen, certain sequences being highlighted while others were thrown out. “There’s a series of codings that are different between the codes.” At the look that she gave him over her shoulder, he rolled his eyes and clarified. “As in they didn’t exist in the original, and are some kind of glitch or some shit. Pull them up.”

 

Undyne stuck her tongue out at the order but did so anyways, ending up with four sequences of code for each of the four universes. Razz looked them over. There were some similarities between the four code sequences, but distinct differences marked them as well. Almost like… “Undyne, is there a way you can pull up the coding for a specific person within the four?”

 

Undyne rolled her eyes. “Please. G-give me something hard to do.” She looked over at him. “You want m-me to do the Sanses or...?”

 

He nodded, and she turned to her desk before pushing herself back from it, her swivel chair rolling across the room until it lost momentum. She used her legs to push herself the rest of the way, scooting to a cabinet and pulling some scanner-type device out of the drawer before scooting back. She held the device up to Razz’s arm, much to his confusion, and clicked a button on the side. He hissed as he felt a sharp poke and she pulled it away, pressing a few more buttons and deploying a USB in the side, sliding it into her laptop. He growled as he saw a tiny pinprick of marrow bubbling to the surface on his arm, and used his glove to wipe it off.

 

Luckily, his gloves were black.

 

He was interrupted from making an angry comment by her interested humm, and he quickly looked back over at the screen to see what had been pulled up. Four new codes were pulled up, distinct differences marking between them being highlighted, but, for the most part, they were the same. He rubbed at the quickly fading pain on his ulna. It was similar to the setup of the unknown codes.

 

She leaned towards the screen, looking amongst the codes of the four Sanses before nodding sagely. “J-just as I suspected.”

 

Razz looked up at her. “What?”

 

She gave a sharp-toothed grin. “Every Sans is undeniably g-gay.”

 

Alphys barked a laugh, nudging him in the ribs with a sharp elbow when his face didn’t twitch from a deadpan. Fucking honestly. “So are those other code shits from the Papyruses?”

 

Undyne scoffed. “Of c-course not. I have theirs on here t-too.”

 

He blinked. Narrowed his eyes. “Why do you have theirs on here?”

 

Undyne highlighted the unknown codes, seeming to search through a sort of database for something. Razz pretended that he wasn’t impressed at how the other was able to scroll through the numbers and read them as quickly as she was. She answered his question without looking away from the screen. “I g-got his own coding from when I w-was helping him b-by programming the machine.”

 

Razz blinked, confused. “Wait,  _ you _ programmed the machine?

 

The fish scoffed. “Of  _ c-course _ I did. Papyrus c-can engineer pretty much anything, but h-he couldn’t code his w-way out of a thirteen-year-old’s b-blog.”

 

Alphys huffed an amused breath of air from her nose. “Jesus, get fucking burned.”

 

Undyne continued, nodding slightly to show her acknowledgment of her wife’s statement. “And since I d-did the coding, I k-kinda maybe definitely made it so th-that I have the c-codes for everyone who actually matters from the four universes, a-and I may or may not be able to t-track these individuals’ placements in th-the universes?”

 

Razz wrinkled his nasal ridge at this. “Alright, so ignoring just how fucked up and creepy that little tidbit of information was, is there any way you can find out whose code  _ that _ is?”

 

She leaned back in the chair, swiveling in it so that she faced him. “A-already did. No one e-exists.”

 

He narrowed his eyes. “What do you  _ mean _ that no one ex-” Alphys interrupted him by throwing an arm around his neck, yanking his head down and roughly punching the top of his skull.

 

She laughed as he swore and tried to escape from the vice grip. “The thing has been helped with! Time to answer some fucking questions, BITCH!” She grabbed the back of his neck and lifted him up, spinning around in a circle to gain momentum before throwing him across the room, causing him to land on the couch. “WELCOME TO INTERROGATION HELL!”

 

Undyne pushed back from the table, using her legs to pull herself into the living room, stopping beside the couch. Razz rubbed his arm as he sat up on the couch, sighing and glaring at Alphys. “I wasn’t done asking questions.”

 

She shrugged. “Eh. Whatever. I was getting bored.” Undyne nodded her assent, agreeing that it was, in fact, really fucking boring.

 

He growled, starting to push himself up off the couch before Undyne started talking. “A-and I would hope that y-you would stay and answer them, b-because something tells m-me that you wouldn’t w-want your brother to find out th-that you were here.”

 

Razz’s grip tightened on the armrest of the sofa before he sat back down, giving both of them his best glare. They didn’t seem to care, Alphys whooping as she took out a list with a bunch of questions written on it, placing her finger on it before traveling down the page, he grin widening as it continued to move.

 

She inhaled a deep breath before asking a question. “Do you like Blue!?”

 

He gave her a Look™. “I’m fucking dating him, aren’t I?”

 

She placed her hand on her chin in thought, nodding. Undyne had pulled out a small pad of paper and was furiously scribbling notes. “N-next question?”

 

Alphys grinned. “Do you  _ love _ Blue?!” She waggled her eyebrows, giving her best smoulder. Razz sputtered for an answer, feeling his face heat up in a heavy blush. Undyne nodded again, jotting down a few more words. 

 

“S-so they haven’t r-reached the ’L-word’ phase yet.”

 

Alphys scoffed. “Well, they fucking better do it soon!”

 

Razz abruptly stood from the couch. “OKAY, THAT IS ENOUGH QUESTIONING FOR NOW!” He hated how his voice came out strained and high-pitched because of his embarrassment. Undyne waved him off, telling him that he could leave now and focusing on the notes that she had made. He stormed off, slamming open the front door and ignoring the wolf whistle that Alphys sent after him. He grumbled to himself, his blush still burning hot on his face as he yanked on his helmet and climbed on his bike, starting it and pulling away from their house. He’d have to come back later while they were sleeping and burn it to the ground.

 

He pressed the accelerator a bit harder, ignoring the posted speed limit so he could get home as quickly as possible. Their resident lesbians were some help, he supposed, and he couldn’t wait until he told the others what he had found out and had a good reason to beat the shit out of everyone. 

 

(Not that he ever felt like he needed a real reason to be a dick to people, but there was just something about roundhousing someone across the face that was a hell of a lot more satisfying when he had a damn good reason to do so.)

 

The clouds that had been spread across the sky all morning had started to darken, and within seconds it began to drizzle. Razz huffed, pressing the gas a bit harder. No doubt, if Blue saw him right now, he’d be getting one hell of a chiding. (The thought of the other made him huff louder, as if he could expel every gay thought if he simply exhaled hard enough. It didn’t work, though he supposed it was a long shot in the first place.)

 

Blue was always so damn caring of other people. It was such a strange concept. Sure, he would consider Alphys and Undyne his friends, and Slim was an absolute fuckwad, but he was sure that they would all have his back in a fight. But that’s what it always came to, wasn’t it? A fight. Sure, the surface was safer and far less murder-prone than the underground, but he was still almost certain that most relationships were held together by a sense of duty. But love him? He didn’t…

 

Or did he…

 

He swore, shaking his head and continuing to drive, hunkering down more as the cold rain continued to assault his body. Now wasn’t the best time to think about these things. 

 

He’d have time to confront these awkward thoughts later.

 

[ _ skeleton whores _ ]

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has opened a new chat at 5:37pm! _

 

**_Blue_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Comic_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Slim_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Red_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Cream_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Stretch_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

 

**Razz:** So, I’ve discovered a reason as to why I’m going to kick everyone’s ass.

 

**Cream:** I’ve done nothing.

 

**Razz:** I was talking about the lazy ones, dammit.

 

**Stretch:** is it because of our incredible sense of humor

 

**Comic:** prolly

 

**Comic:** id kick our ass 2 if i was as unfunny as razz

 

**Slim:** wow, talk about a major burn! someone get my bro some aloe vera!

 

**Red:** slim over here being the main hype man

 

**Red:** like when will your fav ever

 

**Razz:** I honestly hate all of you.  

 

**Razz:** Shut the fuck up and listen.

 

**Razz:** I was talking to Swapfell Undyne about some shit that we found out, and, needless to say, I’m rather pissed off.

 

**Comic:** when r u not pissed off tho

 

**Cream:** He has a point!

 

**Stretch:** wait

 

**Stretch:** what thing

 

**Stretch:** they told me the thing they wrote was going to be kept secret

 

**Blue:** The thing they wrote?

 

**Stretch:** uh

 

**Comic:** lmfao good fucking job there

 

**Slim:** nice freudian slip, buddy.

 

**Razz:** If that mention was what I think it was, I am actually going to hang you.

 

**Red:** bye stretch, it was nice knowing you

 

**Cream:** What is the thing you found out about?! I’m curious now!!!

 

**Blue:** Me too!

 

**Blue:** Wait, is it part of…

 

**Blue:** The thing?

 

**Comic:** u kno every1 keeps mentioning these abstract concepts of “things” and i have no idea whats going on

 

**Comic:** and im sure n e 1 thats having to infer whats going on is confused af too

 

**Comic:** (i personally apologize 2 out audience) 

 

**Cream:** I know I’m definitely confused! Very much!

 

**Comic:** u c

 

**Comic:** i told u

 

**Slim:** well stretch’s thing is that fucking friendfiction he commissioned from our resident lesbians.

 

**Stretch:** SLIM

 

**Stretch:** WHAT THE FUCK

 

**Red:** ha ha get fucking outed bitch

 

**Razz:** I thought as much. Blue, kick your brother’s ass for me. I’ll come over later to finish the job.

 

**Blue:** I mean… I won’t do  _ that _ , but I can definitely scold him! Even though I’m not sure what I’d be scolding him for.

 

**Cream:** We are once again!!! Getting off topic!!! What!!! Is the thing!!!

 

**Red:** yeah tell us i really want to know at this point

 

**Comic:** rly

 

**Red:** well i mean at first i honestly didnt give a fuck either way but its been interrupted and changed in subject so many times that now im curious

 

**Stretch:** fuck you red

 

**Comic:** i mean u can feel free 2 join us n e time

 

**Red:** yeah we’ve been looking for a way to kinda spice things up and such so feel free to jump on in anytime

 

**Stretch:** omfg

 

**Slim:** that’s gay.

 

**Cream:** >:T

 

**Razz:** Honestly, can all of you please shut the fu-

 

_ The chat has been taken down for maintenance! _

 

**Razz:** What.

 

**Slim:** huh.

 

**Razz:** What does it mean, “maintenance”?

 

**Slim:** it means that something is being worked on in the coding of the shit so that we can only communicate within our own universes.

 

**Razz:** Why is this a thing. Papyrus, what the fuck did you do.

 

**Slim:** hey, i didn't do it, one of the others must have taken it down for a bit to fix. maybe the codes got fucked up so they had to redo it.

 

**Razz:** For fucks sake, tell them to put it back up! I had something important to say!

 

**Slim:** ah yes. let me just. text them in the group chat.

 

**Slim:** hey guys. 

 

**Slim:** put the chat back on.

 

**Slim:** razz is bitching about no one listening to him.

 

**Razz:** Fuck off.

 

**Slim:** it’ll be fixed by morning at the latest so just do it then, jesus.

 

**Razz:** Can’t you do anything about it?

 

**Slim:** i mean, i probably could if i wasn’t currently holding a huge ass pack of ice against my head because of a damn fire extinguisher.

 

**Razz:** You’re fine, don’t act like a little bitch.

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Slim:** jesus, so needy. always such a whiny baby.

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

 

**Razz:** Are you fucking bad-mouthing me in an empty chatroom.

 

**Slim:** uh.

 

**Slim:** no?

 

**Razz:** Get the fuck out of here.

 

**Slim:** eyyy, you got it.

 

**_Slim_ ** _ has left the chat! _

**_Razz_ ** _ has left the chat! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all papyruses are incapable of cooking. fite me on this.


	14. Interlude: Decisions Are What Makes A Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Titles:
> 
> A Little Backstory Makes Everything Better, Even If That Backstory Gets Interrupted And Doesn't Make A Whole Lot Of Sense Yet
> 
> Have You Felt A Little Off Today, Had A Lot To Say, But Wound Up Talking To Yourself?
> 
> Everything You Know And Love Is Actually A Group Chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCUcT1mPh1s) suits this chapter, but not for the reasons you may think

When monsters were first locked under the mountain, sealed for all eternity, it was panic. Chaos. None knew what they were to do, caring for those still injured from the war and trying to break the barrier down with sheer force. That day, the HoPe of every monster dropped immensely. The king and queen assigned monsters to different sectors, using magic to create areas that were similar to those occupied on the surface and telling everyone to just wait. To just hope for better, to just wait for the day when a human would fall so the soul could be used to counteract the spell that was holding the barrier up. That day came soon.

 

Word quickly got around that the prince had found a human, a  _ human _ , and was keeping them in the castle. Monsters were ecstatic. Until they discovered that the royals had no intentions of taking the child’s soul. Riots were close to starting, until the king and queen spoke. No harm was to come to the child. They’d done nothing wrong, and they should not be charged with the crimes of their ancestors. They were to wait until the human died of natural causes to take the soul. Monsters begrudgingly complied. What was the infinitesimal life of a human when compared to the near eternity of a monster’s? The human grew and came to love the family that had taken them in as one of their own. But then- a child’s plan noticed too late- both the prince and human were killed.

 

A father’s grief and rage. A mother’s agony and fury. The king, the queen, calling for the capture of any human soul that fell underground from this point on by any means necessary. Driving their other away with their words, their promise to the subjects. Staying firm in their greif-ridden decision. It became clear to many after that point in time that hope was not a thing meant to be had in the underground.

 

A source of energy was needed, a way to support the monsters during their supposed eternal banishment. A machine larger than that of which had every been created was put into process, drawing energy from the very center of the earth itself, called- fittingly- the CORE. It became the basis from which monsters built their civilization from the ground up for however long they would be trapped.

 

After the success of the CORE, the king, the queen, commanded that the same individuals find some way to create a machine to strengthen monster souls to the capacity of a human's. Such a feat would not only make them able to persist after death, it would place the souls on the same level of strength as human souls.

 

Plans were drawn up after the first human soul fell, was captured, and examined, and it was determined that…  _ determination _ was what created their strength, that this determination was what drove them, what gave them the power to persist after death. If this determination could somehow be extracted and replicated within monsters themselves, then they wouldn’t have to bide their time and just wait until another human fell, just hope that maybe they wouldn’t all dust under this mountain, forgotten and left behind in history. No, if monster souls could be given the strength of humans and if they could persist, then all they would have to do was wait until monsters fell down as they normally do, simply dying of age or sickness, and they would be free.  _ Free _ .

 

Determination- synthetic, of course, because normal determination couldn’t be harvested entirely from the human souls without a chance of them shattering- was placed into a machine, a device with the capability of transferring that power into a monster’s soul.

 

Everything was set. And then there was the simple matter of testing it. Testing the unknown, potentially dangerous machine that had a high chance of dusting any participants was low on the list of anyone’s hopes and aspirations. But, of course, the machine was tested, eventually. On the creators of the machine- one who ran it on himself due to lack of other volunteers, one who was betrayed by his peers and thrown into it in an attempt to receive all the glory- and on warriors of the underground- one who gave himself as a subject for the salvation of his people, one who was just a fucking idiot and tripped and fell in the goddamned machine while it was doing a test run.

 

_ Hey! I take offense to that! _

 

Fuck off, I’m talking. Monsters, unfortunately, aren’t capable of handling pure determination, and as such the subjects were destroyed from the outside in. Determination, the ability to continue to exist outside space and time itself with the sheer power of will, was placed upon the subjects, despite their inability to process it. Bodies torn, ripped apart and strewn across time and space, destroyed entirely.

 

**Almost.**

 

Again, fuck off, I was getting to that.

 

**_Do all of us a favor and shut the fuck up._ **

 

I have to lead into everything else! We need to or else there’ll be confusion about the backstory behind ourselves! Things are different here than what’s normally believed!

 

**_You’ve told this story. Seven times._ **

 

But this is the only time that matters! Those other ones were just practice!

 

**Look, you’re making him throw a tantrum. Just let him tell the fucking story.**

 

**_You know what? Fuck you. Why is this time any different?_ **

 

...I don’t know, exactly. It’s like, this entire situation was at first just a bunch of incorporeal ideas, just thoughts, being jumbled around and not taking any actual physical form but… now it almost seems like they're taking a more real context, being written down and distributed to minds of many.

 

**Your mom’s distributed to the minds of many.**

 

YOU’RE RUINING THE ATMOSPHERE!

 

_ It’s entirely black here. There is no atmosphere. _

 

YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE!

 

**_If we’re going to go over anything again, and again, and again, then can it at least be the plan?_ **

 

GOING OVER THE PLAN ISN’T AS IMPORTANT AS THIS WORLDBUILDING!

 

**Just ignore him.**

 

Hmph.

 

_ Are we certain that this was the best option? _

 

**Either way, it’s too late now. The end has already begun.**

 

**_That was really stupid._ **

 

**But, alas, it’s true.**

 

Can’t you see it? The beginnings of the fabric unraveling?

 

**_Nobody likes your fucking coat in the first place._ **

 

**Ouch.**

 

_ I like his fucking coat. _

 

**_Of course you do, you happy-go-lucky little freak._ **

 

Kids, kids, please stop fighting, your father and I are concerned about you.

 

**You have six seconds to get you hand right the fuck off me, bitch.**

 

Well, fuck you too then.

 

_ Regardless of anyone’s fashion taste and unrealized sexual tension, everything is kinda falling apart. _

 

**_We need to act soon, because if we wait too long, they could find out what's going on and possibly put a stop to it. Mine has already come close to figuring out what's going on, and if everyone gets involved then it’s going to be one hell of a ride. These plans took a shit ton of time and effort, and my foot is going to go straight up your ass if it gets ruined at this point._ **

 

**Leave me and my ass alone.**

 

Hey, you guys know what’s cool?

 

_ What? _

 

We, ourselves, are having a kinda group chat thing to wind down this section, and to set up the next shenanigans!

 

**Huh. There’s not as many memes and good times but I guess you have a point.**

 

_ Cool! Parallelism in the structure of a narrative always represents a lot of thought and effort into the storytelling! _

 

**_Either that, or the writer just sticking to a fucking generic script due to lack of creativity. It’s like a mad libs game, only with shitty humor and an attempt at being edgy._ **

 

I think it’s getting pretty edgy.

 

**It’s not that edgy. Trust me. I would know.**

 

_ Well I, personally, am glad that nothing really depressing and angsty is going to happen! _

 

Because you said that, I bet something is going to go horribly wrong and everyone is going to be sad. There’s already been instances of what I think are really depressing shit, but I think they’ve been discarded. For the most part. So sad is still possible.

 

**Sad is always possible for me.**

 

Oh no.

 

**I have depresshun. Frowny face.**

 

**_Did you just fucking say “frowny face”._ **

 

_ ShhhhHHHH! Something’s happening! _

 

Wait.

 

**What?**

 

**_Yeah, that’s probably because I fucked with the script._ **

 

_ You WHAT! _

 

**_I’m sick and tired of this setup of dialogue, bitch. This story’s gonna start moving faster now, dicklord, because all these filler sort of scenes are beginning to get old._ **

 

_ We don’t know if the codes of the subject are fully aligned with the tear yet! Taking him through could potentially ruin everything! _

 

**_Not everything. There are literally infinite possibilities, and this is just one of them. Right over there, a few that are literally just the same as these ones are sitting, only the Sanses are all a single centimeter taller, or the actual boiling point of water is one degree away from this one. We aren’t special, bitch._ **

 

_ Can you believe this?! _

 

Meh.

 

**Kinda looking forward to see what happens, actually.**

 

_ ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! _

 

Hey. Let’s try to watch the damn langu- OW! FUCK!

 

**Oh.**

 

HE’S HITTING ME WITH A STICK SOMEBODY HELP ME!

 

**Where’d he even get the branch in the first place?**

 

**_Fuck this we’re moving on because this doesn’t make any cohesive sense anymore._ **

 

\---

 

Razz woke up with a startled snort, blinking blearily around his room before looking at the alarm clock. The green letters cheerily met him, reading 2am. He frowned at the light, reminding himself that crushing it would just have to make him buy another one in the morning. He turned away from the numbers with a huff, flopping back down and pulling the covers up to his chin. He’d had a weird dream of a bunch of people fucking memeing in his direction, and he wanted to forget it as quickly as possible. 

 

Though, now that he thought about it, a bunch of fucking memers seemed more like a nightmare.

 

That was the last thing he’d ever want to happen to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alrighty, so unfortunately for everyone im gonna take a bit of a break from this to get everything sorted out! there's probably only like 5 or less chapters for me to write, probably including a epilogue sort of thing, and i just want to take some time to write those out and make sure that everything is sorted through and that theyre cohesive and whatnot! i'll probably still be working on other things as well, so i wont be dead in the water lmfao. so it might be about two or so weeks before i get the next chapter for this out as i get things in order and work on some other projects. thanks!
> 
> -ollie


	15. What Did You Expect When Making A Cross-Universal Traveling Machine?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Titles:  
> The Plotty Plot That Feels… Shitty...
> 
> The Tentacle Hentai Dreams Come True For Filthy Sinners Everywhere! (At Least, In Part)
> 
> Included In My Recent Google Searches Is Now “Breakfast Enchiladas: Are They An Actual Thing?”
> 
> Fake Edginess. You Can't Help But Love It.
> 
> Another Game Of Spot The Reference! Wow! It's Almost Like This Is A Gift For A Certain Someone! Oh wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DID U GUYS FUCKING MISS ME??!??!!
> 
> ive got the next 2 chapters written already and the third one scripted so eat my ass
> 
> i couldnt stay away for a whole two weeks

Razz woke up to a loud explosion. He shot out of bed, looking around his room for any potential dangers and finding none. His eyes narrowed. It must have come from downstairs. He dashed out of the room as another large boom shook the house. He paused for a split second.

 

The backyard…?

 

_ The machine. _

 

He growled, not having time to wait for Slim to wake up slowly. “PAPYRUS! HEEL, NOW!”

 

His brother ran out of his room, appearing at Razz’s side with a tuft of dark orange magic wafting up from his sockets. He seemed confused before another rumble came, this one being strong enough to knock a few pictures off the wall. “Wait, an earthquake?”

 

Razz ignored the question, throwing him over his shoulder and jumping over the banister, ripping the door open and darting into the backyard. He stopped a few feet from the shed, staring at it warily and dropping his brother on the ground. A strange aura was emanating from the surrounding area, lapping up the sides of what remained of the shed like flames and stretching towards the sky. The sun had yet to rise.

 

“Papyrus, do you see that?” He was staring at the flames, a dark enough color that they almost appeared to be black. Blacker than the night itself. Slim looked at the shed, then back to Razz.

 

“...See what, exactly?” He stood from where he had been carelessly tossed to the ground, brushing off the seat of his pants. “The smoking husk of the machine? Kinda hard to miss, bro.”

 

Razz frowned as the flames dissipated, leaving only the charred remains of the shed walls around. Their shed really had been through a lot recently. This was at least the second time the machine had exploded. He crept toward the smoking remains, looking them over with a frown. Maybe keeping a relatively unstable device in the equivalent of a tool shed wasn’t the best future planning. “Nothing. Nevermind.” He looked over his shoulder with a scowl, giving his brother an unimpressed look. “You could do without the sarcasm.”

 

Slim just shrugged as he vaulted over one of the lower walls, walking to the charred, mangled metal and giving it a tap with his foot. He sighed as he turned to Razz. “You know, I blame you for all of this.”

 

Razz glared at him, walking around the jagged spikes of what remained of the walls, standing in the shed and looking over the destruction. “And just how the fuck is any of  _ this _ ,” he gestured widely to the area, “my fault?”

 

Slim shrugged, going to the machine and tearing off the panel that held the wires and such with a grunt, crouching down and looking to see what was salvageable. He yanked on a few tangles of wires, pulling them out and looking them over appraisingly before putting them in his inventory. “Everything was all fine and dandy and gay until you and Blue started dating.” He looked up in thought at the few stars that were flickering. “I think it was just too much gay for the machine to handle.” He closed his eyes, shaking his head in something akin to disappointment. “Too much purified gay can cause serious issues with technology, don’t ya know.”

 

Razz had growled during the first part of his explanation, but it slowly faded into annoyance as Slim continued to speak. What the fuck. He wasn’t the one who built the damned thing! He voiced his thoughts to his asshat of a brother. Slim just shook his head in return, giving a harsh tug to something in the husk, pulling out an oddly shaped hunk of metal before tossing it carelessly over his shoulder. “No. You see, it’s much easier and better for morale to blame someone else.” Another machine part chucked over his shoulder without care before he paused, stiffening and rushing over to the piece, picking it up and looking over it carefully and placing it in his inventory. “As such, you can continue to blame me, and I can continue to blame you, and we both live our lives happily ever after in constant denial of our actions!” He finished with a chirp.

 

Razz inhaled deeply, bringing his hand up to pinch at his nasal ridge. He didn’t… That wasn’t… Fucking whatever. “How long will it take to fix  _ this _ ?”

 

Slim tensed before slowly going back to pulling out wires, untangling them from their bunch mass. “Time?” He tried, stretching the ‘i’ out for a few seconds as his voice continued to pitch higher in nerves.

 

“You don’t know.”

 

He reached up and scratched the back of his neck, the slightly cocky grin falling off his face as he worried at the wires with his other. The atmosphere was tense, for reasons that neither of them really wanted to say. “I didn’t build the machine from scratch. There weren’t really any extensive plans on the device in the first place, either. It was always just kind of…” He trailed off, searching the ground for the right words. “There.” His hand came down to continue to untangle the wires that were still usable. “I know how to rebuild  _ some _ of it, but I’m not sure how long it will take with me having to start from the ground up.”

 

Razz digested this information, crossing his arms and tapping his finger on the bone. He went to tug at his gloves, but remembered that he had left them by his bed and clenched his fists instead. “Has this happened to all of the machines across all four of them?”

 

Slim stood, walking to a shelf and pulling off a box, shifting through the contents. He pulled out what looked like a few blueprints and glanced them over with an increasing look of relief before putting them in his inventory. “There’s a chance that this was just for ours, since it’s already broken once.” Razz looked over as a flicker of light caught his eye, walking over and pulling out his fire extinguisher to spray the flame before it could cause any more damage to their wrecked shed. “The chat is separate from the machines, so as soon as that’s put back up we can ask the others and see if they have any plans that would help us rebuild it. The machines are practically the same for all four of us.”

 

Razz nodded as he looked at the burnt husk of what used to be complex machinery. The plan had more hoping and things left to chance than he found comforting, but it was better than no plan at all. He sighed, looking over the rubble of the backyard once more. 

 

He wasn’t a fool. He knew that if their machine had malfunctioned- a very generous term for it, considering that pieces were scattered throughout their yard- due to the problems in the code, then that meant that, more likely than not, the other machines were broken as well. Slim didn’t know that he knew as much as he did, and he was simultaneously pissed off and somewhere on the edge of grateful that he was trying to reassure him in the manner that he was. He heard a meow and looked over his shoulder to see the Annoying Cat pawing at some of the rubble. Surprisingly, when it saw him, it didn’t hiss, instead just standing fully and walking away. He shook his head and turned back to his brother, snapped out of his reverie. 

 

“I’m going inside to make breakfast. Don’t let another explosion kill you.” 

 

Slim looked over his shoulder with a smirk. “Careful there, bro. Wouldn’t want anyone to think that you care about what happens to me.”

 

Razz scowled, now more annoyed than worried. “Actually, now that I think about it, I hope that an explosion does happen and it thoroughly maims you.” He turned on his heel, stalking away from his chuckling brother before he made any more smart-ass comments. There was only so many comebacks he could make to his brother’s snide comments, shitty or no.

 

He stood in the kitchen after getting dressed and putting on his gloves, sighing deeply and looking around. He had no idea what to fucking make for breakfast. Maybe enchiladas? But it was too early for those. Breakfast enchiladas? He opened the fridge and pulled out eggs and bacon, tossing them carelessly on the counter as he searched for the other ingredients. Avocado, garlic cloves, cumin, and paprika begin to line the counter as he turned on the stove, putting the pan on the heat to cook the bacon and eggs, getting out tortillas and brushing the outsides with olive oil.

 

He doesn’t really know why he’s putting this much effort into cooking when it’s just the two of them- granted, he would be eating it and wanted it to be good, but Slim honestly didn’t give a fuck about how food tasted, shoving it in his mouth with such gusto that it would often makes Razz lose his appetite, and may or may not have been the reason why he established the rule that Slim couldn’t eat until Razz himself had eaten half of his food- but the familiar steps of following a recipe helped calm him.

 

He had fully cooked the bacon at this point, setting it aside on a paper towel to get rid of some of the excessive grease and cracking a few eggs into the pan, breaking the yolk and adding milk and salt as he mixed them to cook. The entire scene was reminiscent of when Blue had insisted he come over to make breakfast burritos. 

 

(Sharing a kitchen with him was far better than sharing one with Alphys, as he told the other many times, as Blue would make certain that any and all fires were contained, and not encouraged to spread. Though, he supposed that cooking with almost literally anyone else would be better and less danger-ridden than cooking with Alphys.)

 

It wasn’t as fun as when he cooked with Blue, though. When he had gone over, the other had some of the more popular tunes from Nabstablook playing on the small stereo he kept in his kitchen, humming along and dancing in place to the music. He had hip-checked Razz more than once, trying to goad him to dance, but he was stone-cold sober, and he had seen more than one glimpse of Stretch trying to discreetly watch them as they cooked. Razz’s mouth gave a small twitch up at the memory, glancing over at his own, lesser-used stereo before shaking his head, scraping the eggs out onto a plate before beginning to mix up the ingredients for the filling of the enchiladas. Listening to music might distract him, and he needed to make sure that he could hear into the backyard just in case anything else went wrong with the machine.

 

He spread the mix on the tortillas, spreading the bacon and eggs over top before he rolled them up and placed them in a pan in the oven, waiting for them to cook. Now there was nothing to do but wait until-

 

His phone rang from where it was sitting on the counter and he jumped at it, quickly answering the call.

 

“Hello?!”

 

There was a pause and a slight shuffle from the other end before he heard a snicker. “G-geez, Sans, I had n-no idea that you’d b-be so happy to hear from m-me.”

 

He scowled, ignoring the quick flash of disappointment his soul gave at it not being Blue. Honestly. He was acting like such a pussy. “Fuck off. What do you want.”

 

Undyne snickered again before the sound of papers shuffling came through. “S-so I may or may n-not have taken some liberties w-with the codes of you guys after y-you came to me and I found out some p-pretty neat shit.”

 

He sighed, bending down to open the oven to check on the food. Five more minutes. “And just what is this ‘shit’, pray tell?”

 

He heard a hum as the clacking of keys came through the speaker, Undyne typing on her laptop. “W-well, you know how I’m a scientist?”

 

She went silent after that, seeming to wait for a response. Razz was tempted to just wait and let the call drag on, not giving a fuck about humoring her, but realized that he would get the information quicker if he just played along. Who knows. It may end up actually helping. So, he gave a long-suffering sigh. “Yes.”

 

“And y-you know how scientists essentially u-use their professions as an e-excuse to fuck around and m-mess with shit w-without getting in trouble for it?”

 

He pulled on an oven mitt over his glove (he’d had the mitts specially made so that he could put them on without taking his gloves off) and opened the stove, pulling out the pan and setting it on the counter to cool. “I think there’s a bit of a flaw in your logic there, but for the sake of the conversation I’m going to say ‘yes’.”

 

She ignored his sass, continuing on. “W-well, I may or may not have b-been fucking around and combining the codes for d-different people for… r-reasons, and I found out that the c-code that was m-messing with the universes is actually a combination of the Sanses and P-Papyruses codes!”

 

She ended her explanation in a crescendo and Razz stared blankly at the wall in front of him, pulling the phone away from his ear to look at the speaker before placing it back.

 

“Tell me I’m crazy-”

 

“Y-you’re crazy.”

 

“-But it sounded to me like you essentially just told me that Papyrus and I are the ones who are fucking up the universes.”

 

Undyne sniffled on the other end. “Actually, it’s each of th-the Sanses with their r-respective Papyruses.”

 

He growled into the phone. “And what the fuck is  _ that _ supposed to mean?” She made a noncommittal sound into the receiver and he bit back a scream a frustration. “Why the hell were you even combining the different codes in the first place.”

 

There was a pause. Then, “A-alphys and I may or m-may not have combined you and Blue’s c-codes to see what your b-babies would look like.”

 

Razz blinked in shock, his eyelights flickering out as he reached up a hand to scratch furiously at his blush in an attempt to make it go away. He heard a laugh from the other end of the phone, Alphys having heard the last bit of the conversation. The sound of the phone being passed to a different person met him as her loud voice rang in his skull. “And your babies were  _ cute _ as  _ fuck  _ too! WHEN AM I GOING TO BE A GODMOM?!” He heard a loud scraping which meant that she had picked up a piece of furniture over her head. More likely than not, it was the couch. “THEY CAN CALL ME ‘GOD’ FOR SHORT!” 

 

He heard Undyne’s laughter and Alphys’ proud cackle as he stayed stiff. He took in a deep breath, trying to hide his embarrassment as he spoke into the phone. “I’m going to hang up now.” And he did, putting his phone on the beloved silent mode before slipping it into his pocket, walking to the cabinets and pulling out two plates.

 

He couldn’t try to burn down their house anymore, as Undyne had placed multiple cameras outside of it, and the last thing he needed was to be arrested for arson  _ again _ . Maybe he could convince the kid to do it for him? Chara always got this crazed glint in their eyes whenever there was a chance for mischief to be had. Though both Asgore and Toriel would probably kick his ass if he led their child down a life of crime, even though they were far from perfect citizens themselves. He heard snapping and focused back on reality, seeing Slim standing near him, giving him a confused look.

 

“You okay there, bro?” He glanced around the kitchen counters, glancing over the enchiladas and seeming to search for something. “You haven’t, uh, eaten any of my brownies, have you?”

 

He scowled. “It’s seven am.”

 

Slim shrugged, scooping four of the rolls onto a plate for himself and grabbing a bottle of maple syrup from the cabinets, walking into the living room. “There’s never a good time to be sober!” He shouted over his shoulder, shaking the bottle of syrup with a lopsided grin. 

 

Razz calmly plated some for himself, grabbing a fork and cutting a small bite once he sat down at the table. He watched from the corner of his eye as Slim brought the bottle up to his mouth to take a drink, only to pull it away in discontent. “Bro, what the fuck?! You got rid of my spiked shit?!”

 

Razz took another bite, lifting his glass to take a sip of water. “It’s seven am.”

 

Slim grumbled, but whatever he was going to say was interrupted by the loud screech of tearing metal. They met each other’s gazes before setting their plates down, running into the backyard. They slowed to a halt as they got closer to the machine, and Razz felt a sense of deja vu at the dark flames that were licking up what remained of the machine’s hull. He looked to his side to see his brother looking at the sight in shocked horror. “Sans? Do you see that?”

 

Razz watched as the flames grew higher, swaying back and forth, although the morning air was still. “See what?” He said sarcastically, turning to give Slim an annoyed look. “You’re going to have to be more specific.”

 

Slim frowned and stuck out his tongue. “Now is not the time to be pissy at me.”

 

A sharp crack of magic had them both whipping their heads to the flames, watching as they grew up higher and solidified, turning into something resembling tentacles. Slim made a gagging noise, forming blasters over his shoulder as Razz made a club, watching them warily. “Oh god, this is like something out of one of Undyne’s wet dreams.”

 

Razz sputtered, his grip on the construct tightening. “Do me a favor and  _ never _ say those words in that order around me ever again.”

 

Slim snickered, the blaster’s gaping maws beginning to smoke as charged magic was forced into them, dark orange magic curling up around the horns and out of the sockets like smoke. “Alright, well how about ‘Dreams oh Undyne god wet…’” He scrunched his nose. “I’ve already forgotten what I said and what words I used.”

 

One of the tentacles fell towards them and they both jumped different ways to avoid the swinging magic, it landing between the both of them with a heavy thump. Razz frowned at it. It didn’t even aim for either one of them. There was no way that it was actually trying to hit them, unless… He looked up to see that the other tentacles were rearing back, preparing to rush forwards. Slim was too busy aiming the blasters at the one on the ground to notice and Razz growled, turning him blue with a ping before throwing him back to the house and going to face the oncoming attack.

 

He knocked the ones that were rushing at him as best he could, not noticing that the one on the ground beside him was moving until too late. It latched around his leg and lifted him in the air before slamming him on the ground once, twice, three times. He felt his 1 HP go down to a small fraction of a point, trying to swing at the one holding him before another grabbed his club, crushing it into shards with a hard squeeze. He was slammed on the ground once more and groaned, looking behind him to see his brother charging multiple blasters at once, aiming and firing at the ones holding him. The grip on his leg tightened and quickly dragged him through something resembling a portal, the others rushing through at the same time.

 

He tried to form one more attack as the portal shimmered closed, but one of the tentacles restraining him slammed him on the ground once more before disappearing. He groaned as he tried to lift himself up but fell in pained exhaustion. He wasn’t sure whether the area he was in was really entirely black, or if it was just the fact that he was barely holding onto his last point of HP. 

 

He blacked out.

  
  
  


I miss the actual group chat.

 

**Me too, buddy. Me too.**

 

**_See? Told you. Generic script. This is fucking ridiculous. We’re going to be memeing now?_ **

 

Well, some of us actually  _ like _ memes, so HA!

 

_ Memes are alright. _

 

**So… Should we do something about… THAT?**

 

**_What, you mean that unconscious skeleton on the floor over there? The one that you slammed into the fucking ground about a hundred times?_ **

 

_ He has a point. _

 

**Uh, he does not! He hit me! Or, at least, he tried to. What was the deal with that, anyways? Haven’t they easily killed hundreds before?**

 

_ That’s not a good thing. _

 

**_It’s a thing that doesn’t make sense, considering the fact that we bested them so easily._ **

 

Okay, so that’s because I may or may not have fucked with the code so that their magic was not as easily controllable? We’re kinda the middle man between the blasters and the young boys, so I messed with that connection a bit so that they were slow on the recharge and distribution.

 

_ That’s good! Way to go! _

 

I also may or may not have gotten the cat to drug their food.

 

_ That’s! Less good! _

 

**_How the hell did you get the cat to listen to you. It doesn’t listen to me!_ **

 

Eh, what can I say. I’m more of a cat person.

 

_ Aaaaaand I’ve lost any and all respect I once had for you. _

 

You had respect for me? Ha! How did I manage to keep you fooled this long?

 

**_That didn’t answer my question._ **

 

I offered it catnip.

 

**Sketchy.**

 

Hey, a guy’s gotta make a living somehow.

 

_ I don’t think that it was a good thing, regardless. _

 

Well, if we didn't mess with the shit, then there probably would have been a chance of someone getting dusted or serious injury or whatever. I saw it in the vague happenings that fly around sometimes.

 

**Which is not a good thing either.**

 

Nope!

 

_ Ugh. _

 

**_Chaotic Good._ **

 

That’s… That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. Bring it in, man.

 

**_If you try to fucking hug me, then I swear to god, I will kill you._ **

 

**I’ll pay you a dollar to kill him regardless of whether or not he hugs you.**

 

_ There will be no killing! None of that, now! What’s next on the schedule? _

 

Ah, yes. The almighty schedule.

 

**_I’m pretty sure that “killing” is somewhere on the schedule there._ **

 

**God, I hope it’s to kill me. End my existence.**

 

Let’s see, shall we?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [meme](https://static01.nyt.com/images/2016/08/05/us/05onfire1_xp/05onfire1_xp-master768-v2.jpg) for this chapter


	16. Coming Soon To Theaters Near You: The Four Sub Genres Of Dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Titles:  
> What Do You Mean That “Everything I’ve Ever Known And Loved Is In Danger”?
> 
> If You Have To Give Up, Give Up Your Fear - Dan Waldschmidt (The Quote Doesn’t Say, But I Would Like To Think That A Fear Of Memes Is Also Included)
> 
> In Which We Find Out Just How Many Different Synonyms There Are For “Scowl”
> 
> Fucking Your Boyfriend Won’t Save The Goddamn Universe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> $5 to the first person who can hunt me down by my IP address and run me over repeatedly with a semi
> 
> ($5 extra dollars if you can come up with a really good quip right before you break my spine with a tire)
> 
> Edit bc I fucking forgot the chapter title smh i'm a fuckin loser

He awoke quickly, tensing in his place on the ground, keeping his eyes shut. One positive thing about having been kidnapped before was, he supposed, that he knew how to react as a hostage. Razz stayed still and quiet, extending his senses out as far as possible to try and detect anyone involved. He didn’t hear anything, but there was a chance that they were in here and being extraordinarily silent, waiting for him to wake up.

 

He took one final breath before he quickly pushed himself off the ground and up, an attack quickly snapping to form in his hands as he glanced around the area quickly. He stopped in confusion as he was instead met with inky blackness, the kind that seemed to swallow and crush any and all light that met it. The lights must be off but…

 

He looked down at himself to find that he could see his form clearly, as if he was standing in the sun. Turning a bit, he looked around his feet. No shadow, no shift in whatever kind of light was illuminating himself, nothing. He frowned. Goddammit, not only was he kidnapped by god-knows-what, but he was drugged as well! If that wasn’t the most fine and dandy thing to come about this… Day? Night? It didn’t really matter, he supposed. He couldn’t see shit either way.

 

He gripped the jagged bone in his hand a little tighter, spinning in a slow circle and looking around himself before he sighed, picking a random direction and beginning to walk. Who knew, maybe he’d come across some kind of door shit. Or maybe he died during the fight somehow, and this was his personal hell. Though it wasn’t that bad. More like purgatory, he supposed, but then was immediately put off by the thought. He deserved to rot in hell and whatnot, so the fact that some higher power deemed him good enough to work off his sins in limbo was highly offensive. Where was the manager in this place? He wanted to speak to them immediately.

 

He shook his head at the thought, tensing up and giving a horrified look down to his hands. Was he… Was he fucking memeing? His grip on the bone shard tightened and he winced, looking around frantically for an exit. Dear god, this  _ was _ hell, forcing him to meme against his own free will. He had no idea that Satan was so cruel.

 

“Pft, guys, he  _ is  _ afraid of memes!”

 

He snapped his head up, turning and looking for the direction that the voice had come from, growling. What the hell. Who the fuck was that. “Show yourself, you piece of shit!”

 

He formed another sharpened bone in his other hand, tightening his grip on them and lowering himself into a ready stance, his eyes searching the blackness in front of him for any kind of movement. He heard another voice off to his left. “ _ Disliking memes does not mean that you’re afraid of them! It just means that you have more class than an eighth-grader. _ ” Razz frowned at the voice. It sounded exactly the same as the other one, only there was some kind of… Symbolism that helped him distinguish it as a different person?

 

“ **_Wow. I think you just insulted an entire culture there._ ** ” A third person. What the fuck. He was no longer in his battle stance, now just holding the shards lightly as he glanced around in confusion. There was literally no one around him, and all the voices sounded the same. God, he was losing his mind.

 

“ **Disliking memes means that you are afraid of progression. Too busy being trapped in your state of narrow-mindedness that doesn’t allow you to see beyond what’s right in front of you.** ” Four. Four people. He was going insane. He growled, tightening his grip on the bones and forming four blasters behind himself, one for each of the voices, pumping raw magic into their gaping maws. He couldn’t  _ see _ , but he could still disintegrate whoever the fuck was talking around himself.

 

“ _ All you do is look at pictures of cartoon frogs. _ ”

 

There was a huff from one of the voices. “Not anymore, because now that cartoon frog is a symbol of white supremacy.”

 

“ **_Thus proving that all memes have the capability to become something much more dangerous than just silly pictures and jokes. Your precious memes are being used to further racism and the capitalistic agenda._ ** ”

 

“ **I would have thought that would make them more appealing to you.** ”

 

“ _ Can we move off the subject of memes, please? I think Razz is confused. _ ”

 

Razz  _ was _ very confused. Pissed off, as well. With a snarl, he unleashed the magic in the general directions he had heard the four voices coming from, unmoving after the blast was finished, the noise still ringing in his ears. He waited in the deafening silence, letting his mouth tick up a bit in a smirk as he stood, panting. Nothing less than what they deserved for memeing so recklessly in his presence.

 

“ **Aww, look, that’s so adorable. He thought he had killed us!** ”

 

“Someone take a picture, I want to cherish this precious memory forever. Razzy’s first attempted murder of all of us!”

 

He looked around the area, cursing and reforming the bones in his hands. He must have missed with his shot.

 

A heavy sigh came from one of the voices. “ _ I hope that both of you are aware that the longer you talk, the less likely he’s going to want to help us. _ ”

 

Razz snarled, deciding to try and fucking talk to them. He had a lot of bitching to do. “If you actually are trying to get me to help you, then it would be  _ great _ to know that I’m not just fucking hearing voices or some shit!” His voice came out a lot pissier than he intended, but he didn’t care at the moment. He wanted answers, and he wanted them  _ now _ .

 

He heard what sounded like a snap off to his side, looking over to see a figure standing over him, looking fairly disinterested. It looked like a skeleton, but with the way that its face was melting into its body made it hard to tell for sure. As if hearing his thoughts, there was another snap, and the melting look stopped as the figure snapped into greater clarity. Yes, that was definitely a skeleton. He heard three more snaps around him and looked quickly to see three other figures that all looked similar to the first. Two were looking at him with something akin to smiles, while the third was looking him up and down, looking rather unimpressed. He growled at the scrutiny he was under and hunched down a bit, preparing for a fight.

 

One of the figures waved its hands in an appeasing gesture. “ _ No no! No need for any of that, now! _ ”

 

The first one that appeared scoffed. “ **_Well, what did you expect? We’ve essentially surrounded him and have him outnumbered four to one. Only a complete idiot wouldn’t be, at the very least, cautious about this situation._ ** ”

 

One of the figures shifted, its grin widening a bit. “I probably wouldn’t be very cautious. More curious than anything.”

 

The first figure raised an eyebrow, the motion smooth and practiced. “ **_You essentially just proved my point there, dumbass._ ** ”

 

“ **Kids, please. You’re freaking him out.** ”

 

Razz was very freaked out. The figures- walked? The motion was far too smooth to be walking. It was like they were gliding, floating over whatever the hell counted as ground in this place. They assembled in front of him, two of them striking a dramatic pose while the other two watched them, both looking some variation of disgusted. He looked over the four of them, tightening his grip on the shard in his hand. “What. The hell.”

 

One of them, the one that looked perpetually annoyed, opened his mouth to speak before one of the ones that had struck a pose hit him in the face, pushing him back and moving to the front of the group. “Allow me to explain!”

 

Razz looked behind him to the other three who were looking at him with pity before moving his gaze back to the one in front. “...Okay?”

 

The one in front inhaled deeply, reaching around and clasping his hands in front of himself. “When monsters were first locked under the mountain, sealed for all eternity, it-”

 

One of the skeletons behind him interrupted. “ **We’re the dads for the different skeletons, sort of.** ”

 

The one in front gasped in shock, turning around in anger. The one who had interrupted just flipped him off. Razz just looked back and forth between them. “What the hell do you mean ‘dads’?”

 

The annoyed one looked up at him. “ **_Long story short, all four of us were pumped full of determination due to varying circumstances and our bodies split into two distinct parts. We exist now as ideas with no real physical context, and the Papyruses and Sanses of the universe are each a single half to our whole._ ** ”

 

The one in front stomped his foot. “YOU GUYS NEVER LET ME FUCKING DO THIS SHIT!”

 

Razz ignored the tantrum. “You’re… What?”

 

The one in the back cleared his throat. “ _ Uh, so the determination that we were given was too much for one monster, but not two of them, apparently? And some of it was also used to create the blasters… Which explains why all of your magic is so strong and stuff. _ ”

 

“ **We’re all named Gaster, by the way. Just for the sake of knowing names other than referring to us by what action that we’re doing currently.** ”

 

Razz frowned. “Ah, yes. That’s  _ really _ helpful. Nothing like calling four people the same name. There definitely won’t be any confusion in that aspect.”

 

“ **Aww.** ” He turned to look at the Gaster standing beside him. “ **He’s just like you. You must be so proud.** ”

 

He sighed. “ ** _For the sake of clarity, you can call us the abbreviation of the universes where we split from._** ” He used one of his hands- there was a huge fucking hole in it and Razz did his best not to stare- to gesture at himself and the rest of the other Gasters. “ ** _Swapfell, Underfell, Underswap, and Undertale._** **_SF, UF, US, and UT respectively._** ”

 

“ _ We still all look the same, though. _ ”

 

The one who had been pouting perked up at that. “I can fix that!” He made some kind of motion with his hand and his face began to melt, one of his sockets drooping down as his grin widened. Another tear-like portal was made, and a tentacle went into it before coming back out wrapped around some bunched up clothes. UT- actually, Razz couldn’t remember who was who anymore because he wasn’t paying attention to what any of them had to say in the first place, but he was pretty sure it was UT- unfolded them and held them up, his face snapping back to normal. “I made us T-shirts!” Sure enough, there were four shirts, each of them labeled with the abbreviations of the universes.

 

The shirts were passed out, UT and UF putting theirs on. US and SF were looking at theirs with confusion and disgust, respectively. “ _ How long have you had these made? _ ” He slipped his on over his head, brushing down the front of it to remove any wrinkles.

 

UT shrugged in response to the inquiry. SF took his, looping it around his neck like one would a scarf. “ **_Why is it pastel? This shade of purple is atrocious._ ** ” Razz agreed.

 

UT shrugged again before turning to Razz. “Now you can distinguish between us!”

 

Razz looked at him in annoyance. “Great. Wonderful. This has been a lovely reunion. Glad to see all of you.” Razz stood, crossing his arms. “I’d like to go home now, if that’s all the same to all of you.”

 

He didn’t miss how all the Gasters made quick eye contact with each other. “ _ You… Can’t. _ ” At his growl, US was quick to try and clarify. “ _ I mean, you technically can! But if you do all four universes are essentially doomed! _ ”

 

Razz just blinked at this, shocked, before his mouth twisted into a snarl. “What the hell are you talking about?”

 

UT leaned forward with a spiteful grin. “If I had been able to tell my damned story, then everyone would know what was going on.”

 

All three groaned, SF smacking himself in the face with a hollow clack. “ **_Fine. But if you wax poetic I’m going to immediately stop you and tell my own version, political correctness be damned._ ** ”

 

He sighed, rolling his eyes before standing up straight, clapping his hands in front of him. “Fine. So, all four of your universes are beginning to collide because they were never meant to interact in the first place. The only reason they did was because…” He sighed, looking off to the side. “Essentially, we were all really bored and lonely so we reached out to neighboring universes that were slightly similar to our own, and in doing so we may have messed up some of the code that was keeping them in their positions in time and space.”

 

Razz raised a brow, still not entirely convinced that this wasn’t some sort of terrifying fever dream. “Even if there's some horrific mutation of code, in the end  _ we _ were the ones who caused it.” He crossed his arms, shifting his weight to the other foot. “We fixed the machines and connected the four in the first place.”

 

SF snorted loudly. “ **_And just how the fuck do you think that those machines came to be in the first place?_ ** ”

 

Razz narrowed his eyes. “What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

 

UT pressed the palms of his hands together, inhaling a bit before he let it out, looking up and grinning. “When you first moved into the house, you checked over every room of it, right?”

 

Razz stared at him blankly. He wasn’t going to play along with this one’s bullshit anymore. UT seemed to realize this, his face falling slightly as his arms fell, swinging limp at his sides. He looked over his shoulder with a pleading look, and UF sighed, rolling his eyes. 

 

“ **Ugh, fine, hold on.** ” He cleared his throat, beginning to do a poor imitation of Razz. “ **Of course I did. What, do you take me as some sort of idiot? I checked it for traps, and ambushes, and hot babes, and yada yada yada.** ” He swiped his hand dismissively at the end, seeming bored of the whole situation.

 

UT hummed, looking off to the side. “Not perfectly in character, but it’ll do.” Another deep breath in. “Did you ever once find a shed behind it?”

 

“ **Nope.** ” “Yes?”

 

Razz spoke at the same time as his imitator, and everyone seemed shocked by his answer. Aside from SF, but Razz had come to find that his face rarely left that bored position. “Wait, what do you mean ‘yeah’?”

 

Razz huffed. “There was an old rundown shed behind the building with what came to be made into the machine in it.” The shocked looks stayed on three of the four. “What?”

 

The three ignored his inquiry, turning to SF. “ **_Why are you looking at me like that?_ ** ”

 

UF threw his hands up in frustration. “ **You were supposed to keep it hidden! Erase memories and such!** ”

 

SF sighed. “ **_I didn’t want to do that because fuck you._ ** ” He took off the makeshift scarf, shaking it out before setting it back around his shoulders.

 

Razz looked them over. “You put the machines there?”

 

“ _ Yes, and we were ***supposed*** to keep them hidden, but some of us, and now, I’m not naming names- but I am looking specifically at you, SF- apparently didn’t care whether the universes were connected out of sync, dooming all their inhabitants. _ ”

 

SF didn’t seem bothered by the callout, looking at the holes in his hands calmly. “ **_The way I saw it, I could either spend all of eternity in solo limbo, or I could deal with people who ***meme*** for all eternity. Both options suck, in my personal opinion, but at least the way I did it provided a way out of both options._ ** ” He crossed his arms, tilting his head to the side. “ **_Besides, there was never any real danger of that because Slim can’t code for shit._ ** ”

 

Razz huffed. “So I’ve heard.”

 

US was giving SF a disapproving look, and Razz was reminded of the scolding looks that Blue would tend to give himself. Then again, they were  _ apparently _ each a half of those two, so it made sense. In some twisted, backwards way. That didn’t mean it didn't make him nauseous thinking about it. UT cleared his throat. “Anyways, the machines were put there by us- it was one of the limited things of influence that we had over the universes- so that you all would connect to the others when you got to your respective surfaces. That way, we could be bored together instead of bored by ourselves.”

 

Razz blinked before frowning. “So, you essentially doomed four entire universes of people because you were bored.” UT simply nodded, and Razz bit back a snarl. “Great. Wonderful. I still want to go home. Just fix it yourselves.”

 

“ **No can do, buckaroo.** ” 

 

He whipped his glare to the one who just spoke. “And why, pray tell, is  _ that _ ?”

 

Everyone turned and looked at UF and he sighed. “ **Goddammit. Okay. So we’re just ideas, and we have no corporeal context whatsoever. So we need you to do the shit for us.** ”

 

“And it’s not just because we’re lazy!”

 

“ **I mean, we are, but that’s not the only reason this time.** ”

 

Razz shook his head, dispersing the attack that was still in his hand and reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Okay, but why me, and not literally anyone else.”

 

“ _ It’s because of your edgy pissy-ness! _ ”

 

“ **_Essentially. You spent so little time in the other universes that your code wasn’t affected by the jumps across the fabric of the universes, and it maintained the closest original structure that your universe intended. This makes it easier for you to travel between them and do so quickly, which is what we need in order to get shit done before they collide._ ** ”

 

Razz crossed his arms with a huff. “And what if I  _ don’t _ want to help you clean up after the damn mess you made?”

 

They all paused, looking at each other before back to Razz. “ **One of two things could happen.** ”

 

“Because of the similarities in code, they’ll find some way to merge so that they stabilize each other, like a symbiotic relationship.”

 

They all paused again. The atmosphere was tense, and Razz drummed nervously on his upper arm as they stayed silent. “And the other?”

 

“ _ The universes, because of their similarities in code, will collide and clash with each other, ripping themselves apart in a head-on collision. _ ”

 

Razz stopped drumming his fingers, instead using his hands to grip tightly on his elbows. “Okay, what the fuck.”

 

A cough was the only response anyone gave him for a while. “ _ Sorry. _ ”

 

Razz growled, reaching both his hands up to rub at his temples. God, he was getting a fucking migraine. This was too much bullshit for him to deal with, and the simple fact that  _ he _ had to clean up after this mess pissed him off more than he would care to admit. “Fine. Whatever. What the fuck do I have to do to fix your mistakes?”

 

They all seemed shocked by his response. “ _ Wow. You, uh. Agreed to that fairly quickly. _ ”

 

“ **Of course he did. His boyfriend’s in danger.** ” UF leaned over to the other three and stage-whispered. “ **They’re both gay, you know.** ”

 

Razz glowered at the skeletons in front of him. “Suddenly, I’m feeling less inclined to help.”

 

UT clapped his hands together and smiled. “I’d love to explain the science and stuff behind what you have to do, but it’s probably best that I keep it simple, for both time and clarity’s sake.” He inhaled deeply, reaching his hands around to clasp behind his back. “You need to establish a common thread between the universes.”

 

Razz didn’t react, just stared at him blankly. “What the fuck does that mean. How the hell am I supposed to establish a common thread between them, ignoring the fact that I don’t know what’s really happening in the first place?!”

 

UT snickered. “Eight-way skeleton orgy.”

 

Razz felt his eyelights gutter out and his mouth pulled into a tight strain. That meant that Blue would be… But he would… And the others… He was snapped out of his spiral of disgust- aside from the first one, that is, but he wouldn’t admit that in front of these assholes- by the sound of a heavy punch landing. He refocused on the scene in front of him to see that SF had walked over and hooked UT in the jaw, knocking him down and, hopefully, unconscious. Supposedly, that was his “dad”, and he couldn’t help but be glad that he hated poorly-timed jokes just as much as Razz himself.

 

SF straightened, sighing and readjusting the shirt wrapped around his neck. “ **_That’s enough of that, now. No more memes or japes._ ** ” He looked up at Razz, hands coming down to clasp loosely behind his back. “ **_As for establishing the thread… It will make more sense when you do it yourself. The universes themselves are too complex for your own mind to comprehend, so it will more than likely make something familiar for you to interact with. As for what that is? I don’t know._ ** ”

 

UF walked over, opening his mouth. SF swung his leg around in a wide arc and hit him in the stomach, making him double over before bringing his elbow down on the back of his neck, UF collapsing to the floor. He straightened, brushing off whatever served as his legs before his gaze snapped up to US. The other raised his arms quickly, scrambling to lie down on the floor before he too was knocked out. SF nodded, satisfied, before turning to Razz. “ **_If you don’t wish to help, then that’s fine. The choice is entirely yours. But do know that the chances of the continuation of your four universes are dwindling in the single digits without you._ ** ”

 

Razz looked at him, then trailed his gaze around the blackness around them. He thought of his brother, and of Alphys and Undyne, of the kid, of his “friends”. He thought of Blue. Razz took in a deep breath before letting it out slowly. 

 

“Fine.”

 

[ _ skeleton whores _ ]

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has opened a new chat at ??:??! _

 

**Razz:** So.

 

**Razz:** I’m not certain whether or not any of you can see this, or if I’m just talking to myself in an empty chat.

 

**Razz:** But I apparently have to go save the four goddamned universes from destruction due to memes, or something of the like.

 

**Razz:** And things might not end the best for me. 

 

**Razz:** Or any of us, really.

 

**Razz:** Regardless, I’m not here to confess to every crime I’ve ever committed, because I’m on a bit of a time crunch right now.

 

**Razz:** Just a few things I have to say.

 

**Razz:** Slim, if you fucking smoke in the house while I’m gone, then I will come back- be it in one piece or from the dead- and annihilate your ass.

 

**Razz:** Comic and Red, and Stretch and Fell. Do not fuck inside my house, unless it’s in Slim’s room. I’ve given up on that room long ago.

 

**Razz:** Cream, your pasta sticks together because you don’t add oil to the water. Do that and it will work out better and people will be less likely to gag.

 

**Razz:** Blue, I...

 

**Razz:** …

 

**Razz:** I’ll see you later.

 

**_Razz_ ** _ has left the chat! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if youre confused then dont worry. i have no idea whats going on either.


	17. Did You Know That In Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, The Scene With The Creepy Boat Ride Wasn’t Mentioned To The Actors? That's Fun, Right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Titles:  
> Tra La La! Captain Underpants Remains My Favorite Book Series Of All Time!
> 
> The Riverperson Is A Scary Fuck And I Fear Them. Why Do I Fear Them? They Can Save The Day So Easily.
> 
> Lazy Writing Or Confusing Plot? Flip A Coin. Either One Works Just Fine.
> 
> 21571\. 9999999.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont even know whats going on anymore (ha ha yes i do there will be more ship stuff soon)
> 
> second to last chapter. and the NEXT CHAPTER MAY TAKE A WHILE!!! sorry! not really!
> 
> mostly bc i want to post that and the epilogue at the same time pretty much, or at least back to back and shit. but also work has been a bitch but i like getting paid, and i sadly cant make a living off of writing about gay skeletons. though that would be pretty great.
> 
> uuhhhhhh anywaysss,,.,. fucking enjoy i guess? apologies in advance if this isnt what you were expecting (my attempt at edgy just looks more like half-assed memes with the "fuck" word regularly dispersed without lol)

 

The first thing he noticed when he stepped through the portal that the Gasters had torn for him was that it was cold. Not the kind of cold that was temperature-wise (although the flakes that were drifting down slowly from the sky showed that such was the case as well), but it was the kind of cold that was… Unmoving. Stiff, like a body after rigor mortis sets in. Which, he supposed, would also be cold temperature-wise as well. It looked almost like the forest path in Snowdin. He reached a hand out to catch a flake… 

 

And continued to hold it out… 

 

No snow fell in it. He furrowed his brow in confusion, leaning forward to give a closer look to the flake before finding that it was suspended in mid air. A glance around the area showed him that they all were, though he hadn’t been able to tell because of the dark night. That would explain the feeling of stiffness in the air.

 

...

 

He had no idea what the fuck he was supposed to do.

 

The four had spouted some abstract bullshit about him “finding the defining points” for each of the universes, but between their constant attempts at one upmanship over each other and his general lack of understanding over this bullshit in the first place, it was nearly impossible for him to have any actual idea as to what he was supposed to do for his supposed task. From what he’d gathered, he needed to get some kind of sample of code from before they all came together and fucked shit up. How he was going to get that, let alone  _ find _ it was a whole other story. He started walking in what he assumed was the right direction, though since nothing made any fucking sense right now, it could be the worst possible direction he could have picked.

 

He decided to keep walking down that direction anyways. None of the trees even looked remotely familiar from when he had been in any of the universes, and if he was currently underground, then this was long before any sentry stations were put up. Unless this was the wrong direction. Fuck it.

 

As he walked, he noticed that there was no sound whatsoever from the world around him. Even his own universe- as deathly quiet as it was due to fear- had some sound, even if it was just the soft, barely noticeable plop of a snow poff collapsing. Here, the snow didn’t even crackle under his feet, no matter how much he tried to stomp on it to get any semblance of noise. He gave up eventually, walking until he heard what sounded like humming.

 

His gaze traced carefully around the area. The humming wasn’t loud at all, but in the cold silence of the world around him, it sounded deafening. Razz crept towards it carefully, summoning a blaster to hover over his shoulder as he looked for the source of the sound. He stopped once he got to the river, staring in shock as he saw the Riverperson swaying back and forth in their boat, humming a haunting tune. They stopped when he took a step closer, swiveling their head in a movement far too smooth for any monster to do, one of the sleeves lifting up and seeming to beckon him.

 

Razz took in a deep breath before turning on his heel, fully intending to nope the fuck out of that situation. He stomped forwards a few steps only to find that he was once again facing the river. A few more turns in any direction showed that no matter what he did, he would still be facing the Riverperson. They began to hum again, beckoning him forward with their arm.

 

He stepped into their boat and sat down, keeping the blaster over his shoulder summoned as he stared at them with a glare. They didn’t seem to mind, though, just swaying back and forth in the boat as their humming became a bit louder. Razz dispelled the blaster, but kept his magic charged, wisps of it slowly trailing out of his sockets.

 

The boat began moving in the water. Which was to be expected, of course, since that was all the Riverperson did in any of the universes, but it was still odd because, despite them swaying and the boat sliding through actual water, there were no ripples in the water. There wasn’t even a reflection of the boat, the water seeming like dark ice.

 

He heard a movement from the front of the boat and looked up to see the Riverperson staring at him, the deep void of their hood concealing any defining features whatsoever. Though he supposed that the cloak itself was a very revealing characteristic. They seemed to be bobbing up and down in amusement, but the lack of facial features to read left him unsure. A small laugh came from under the hood before they started humming again, swaying side to side with the opening of the hood facing him. It was definitely amusement. “Tra la la. You seem a bit confused, copy.” They turned back to the water.

 

Razz sat back in the boat, glaring at their back. “I’m not confused. Fuck off.”

 

The boat seemed like it was moving forward, but there was something about the area that looked familiar. “Ah, the water is very dry today. That’s bad luck.”

 

He huffed, reaching down to pull on his gloves. They never made any sense. It would be best to just ignore them. 

 

“Tra la la. On a mission I presume?

 

“Tri li li. Weaving, braiding, tying. There’s so much that you can do with string.

 

“Tre le le. You’re rather grumpy, aren’t you? Why don’t you sing with me? Tru lu lu.”

 

Razz growled. “Oh my fucking god, would you just shut up already?” They immediately became silent, standing up straight and stiff. Razz shuffled in his seat in discomfort. “That’s… Better.” He looked off to the side, watching as they passed the stop where the Riverperson had first picked him up.

 

…

 

Wait.

 

“What the hell gives?!” He stood up in the boat. There was no water to sway on, so it was just like standing on solid ground. “Where the fuck are you taking me?!”

 

“...Ah, you never gave me a destination.”

 

Razz groaned, flopping down in the seat. The Riverperson slowly turned their head to look at him, the entrance to the black hood facing him. Razz glared at where he assumed their eyes to be. “I don’t give a fuck. Just take me somewhere.”

 

They hummed, beginning to sway again. The boat lifted out of the water, legs growing on the front and back of it, before it began sprinting down the water. Razz clutched the side of the boat, his claws digging into the wood of it as the Riverperson began to sing again. “Tra la la. Beware of the traveller from another world.”

 

Razz huffed, sitting up straighter in the boat even as he grabbed onto the rim of it tighter. “I’m trying to fucking save the world, actually, like some half-assed fanfiction superhero. Eat my ass.”

 

The Riverperson paused again before laughing that same breathy, dark chuckle from earlier. “Tra la la. You’re not the most important character in this story.”

 

Razz opened his mouth, intending on asking them what the fuck they meant by that when the boat began to go impossibly faster, throwing him back off of his seat and against the end of the boat. He tried to push himself up, but the speed held him down. He growled, looking up to see the Riverperson watching him calmly, the cloth on their hood not moving around at all in the high winds. He closed his eyes as they began to lean forward, and waited for them to do whatever the fuck they planned on doing.

 

Until he noticed that there were no longer any strong winds holding him down and he shot up and out of the boat, turning around and summoning a blaster. The Riverperson and their boat were both gone. He looked at the blaster in confusion before back to the place where they just were. For fucks sake.

 

He dispelled the blaster again, ignoring the annoyed huff of the attack, and took in his surroundings. Mist that was made of color and numbers that formed what looked like strings were floating through the air, and the quiet humming of the Riverperson could still be heard. He stood, looking around the place and clenching and unclenching his fists. He wasn’t scared. He was just... waiting for something to punch.

 

He started walking through the fog of colors, the hues floating away from him as he got closer to them. Razz stopped, staring at the clouds before looking around the area. He slowly reached a hand out to touch one of the clouds. He inhaled sharply as thoughts and memories flew through his mind that weren’t his own. They were just jumbled, no context, none of them making any sense.

 

_ Flowers? A small creature? Dust. Home. Then snow. Piles of dust. 21571. A tattered scarf? Bandana? Red eyes. A smile. Rain. Justice and vengeance. Heat and dust. Another home. Gold. The glint of a knife. Smile. 9999999. Again. Again. Again. _

 

He jerked his hand out of the cloud, looking over his hand before glancing over the mist warily. What the hell... He backed away from it slowly, not realizing that he was walking into another cloud until he saw the colors of it fall in front of his face. He swiped his arm in front of him to try and clear the air, but got caught in the strings of numbers. More thoughts? Time?

 

_ A small figure, a child, travelling. Tears. Through the door. Puzzles? Traps? In the snow. A fight with a tall? Small? Figure. Mercy. Spare. A run through the rain. Howling wind. Heat. Broken fountain. CORE. Passed judgement. Have to kill the king? Have to kill the queen? No. Again. Date. Letter. Hidden. Then. The souls. All of them. Bright light. Shattered barrier? Souls? Can’t save him. Take him with you? Yes. The sun. _

 

_ Freedom. _

 

He’s brought back to reality by someone yanking him out of the cloud. Razz sucked in a deep breath, blinking to try to regain his sense of surroundings. The Riverperson was holding him aloft under both of his arms like he was some kind of child. He looked down at their arms, only to see that, although the sleeves were raised and he felt a firm pressure on his sides, there were no hands or arms visible that were holding him. So, they were invisible? What the fuck?

 

He kicked his legs with a growl once his mind fully cleared, and the Riverperson hummed before setting him down. He jumped back- making sure to avoid those clouds of hallucinogens or drugs or  _ something _ \- and dropped into a defensive stance, growling. “Okay, what the  _ fuck _ was that?”

 

The Riverperson just gave another trilling laugh, turning and walking away, Razz stalked after them, speeding up to get in front of them before he turned around to face them, blocking their path. They just laughed again, unbothered by his glare, beginning to sway back and forth. “Tra la la. I love riding in my boat anywhere and everywhere.”

 

He snarled, hand coming up to grip at the sides of his head in frustration before he dropped them, leveling his glare more deliberately at them. “Answer the damned question. What the fuck was  _ that _ ,” he jabbed a finger in the direction of the swirling mists, “and why was… Why did it seem so familiar?”

 

They stopped swaying for a moment to look at him before they laughed, starting to hum again. The sound of it was grating against his mind. “Ah, those are the four universes. Timelines, timecurves, timezigzags.” They started bouncing in place, turning around in a circle before stopping their rotation, the hood that was facing him still bobbing up and down. “Tra la la. The ones you’d like to save.”

 

They walked past him- gliding really, since Razz couldn’t tell if they had legs or not, why did  _ everyone _ really creepy and mysterious move around like they were on roller blades?- and he reached out to grab the end of their cloak. The hood of the cloak snapped around, turning entirely to face him as their body stiffened, watching him. Razz tensed at the look, or lack thereof, and straightened up to his best ability. “Why are they  _ here _ ?”

 

The Riverperson hummed and Razz let go of their cloak. Their boat formed under them without any warning, and Razz took a few steps back as they started to sway again. “Tra la la. I am the Riverman. Or am I the Riverwoman? I suppose it doesn’t matter. I just like to ride my boat.”

 

Razz opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by the Riverperson’s continued song. “Tri li li. More than one river, only one rider. I love to ride on the rivers. So much fun.”

 

Razz blinked, looking them over before turning back to the mists. He could see, now, that there were four distinct colors of the fog that were floating. “You… You’re the same in every universe? The same person.” He turned back to them, having understood the riddle-like message. They were bobbing up and down, seeming pleased that he understood them.

 

“Tra la la. Only one river would get boring. Tru lu lu. But no rivers is even worse.”

 

Razz shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts before he looked back up to see them beckoning him. “Wait, where the fuck do you want to go?”

 

They hummed. “Ah, so many hands speaking at once. It must be confusing. Tra la la. At least you can see through them.”

 

He blinked before remembering the distinct features on the Gaster’s hands, frowning. “No, I’m not leaving until I’ve fixed whatever needs to be fixed!”

 

They stopped singing, looking at him and tilting their cloak in confusion. “Ah, everything you need has been gathered.” They turned away from him and started humming again. “Tra la la. A braid won’t be enough. Maybe start over? But where will you go? Tra la la.”

 

“I don’t know what you think is going on, but I’m pretty damn sure that everything I need hasn’t been-” He stopped mid-rant, looking down at his arms. During his complaints, he had started to cross his arms in frustration, but stopped when he felt a tug. Looking down, he noticed that there were four very distinct colors of string that were tied around his arm, the ends trailing down to his knee. “How the fuck did I not notice these before?”

 

“Tra la la. Even professionals make plotholes. Nonprofessionals? Ah, too many holes.” They beckoned him onto the boat once again. Razz tugged on the strings, but when they refused to give he sighed, putting his arm down and walking to the boat. At least this way he would be able to keep easy track of them, and they would be less likely to tangle. He wasn’t sure whether it mattered if they were tangled or not, but he didn’t want to chance it.

 

He sat on the seat and hooked his foot around the supporting post of the chair. He wasn’t going to fall out this time. “So we’re going back to the Gasters now?”

 

The boat lifted in the air, legs sprouting out of either side as it began trotting away from the mist. A loud tearing sound came, and they were soon moving back through the frozen Snowdin waters. “Tra la la. If you don’t want to forget something, you should tie a string around your finger. If you wish to not be forgotten, tie a string around yourself. Tre le le.”

 

Razz grumbled as the boat continued to trot atop the waters. “Thanks. You’re really helpful, bitch.”

 

“Tra la-”

 

“Can you sing anything besides fucking ‘tra la la’, or some variation of it!?” They stopped swaying at his outburst, the boat quickly coming to rest at the boat stop. He got out and stood on the un-crunchy snow, adjusting the knots on the string.

 

The Riverperson’s head swiveled to him and they gave that same trilling chuckle. It seemed to be the only laugh they could make. “Bow chicka wow wow. This song is much more peculiar.”

 

Razz groaned, turning and stomping away from them. They’d caused him enough trouble with their quote unquote “helping”, and he wanted nothing more to sort out this goddamn mess so that he could go home. He soon reached the clearing where the Gasters had opened the portal, only there was no tear to be seen. And he had no way to contact them. Great. He supposed he could just wait until they decided to tear one open to check up on him. However long that would take.

 

“Tra la la~” Razz swore loudly, jumping up in the air and turning to the Riverperson with a glare. They never seemed to be bothered by his glares and threats of death, and he  _ fucking hated it _ .

 

“What do you want now?”

 

They tilted their hood at him, gliding forward about a yard. “Ah, do you not wish to get back to the ones ripped apart by space?”

 

Razz furrowed his brow, frowning. “If you don’t fucking mind. Also, you can call them the Gasters. I already know who you’re talking about, so you can drop the riddler act.”

 

They hummed, raising one of their sleeves and bringing it down in a sharp arc. A loud tearing sound was heard, and an entrance to the black abyss was shown soon after. “Tra la la. I could, but using names isn’t as mysterious.”

 

Razz turned with a dark look, about to tell them just what he thought of their mystery, only to see that they were gone. His gaze trailed over the area slowly before it moved down to the strings wrapped around his ulna. He looked up at the portal with a heavy sigh before he stepped through it, turning to watch as it zipped closed behind him.

 

“ _ Hey! Razz is back! _ ”

 

“ **Fantastic. Our fresh meat to meme hard on is back.** ”

 

“ **_No more memes, dammit. This is serious._ ** ”

 

“We can make some serious memes if you’d like.”

 

“ **_No-_ ** ”

 

“ **That feel when you’ve been diagnosed with terminal illness.** ”

 

“ _ You guys, PLEASE! Enough is enough! _ ”

 

“I’LL TELL YOU WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! DAB! HASHTAG! SWAG!”

 

“ **Aww shit, get fucking nae naed!** ”

 

“ **_I’ll nae nae your fucking asshole!_ ** ”

 

“ _ Oh no, SF, please don’t encourage them! _ ”

 

Razz found himself wondering, not for the first time since he got here, if the destruction of the four universes was really such a bad thing.

 

[ _ skeleton whores _ ]

 

**_Comic_ ** _ has opened a new chat at 2:37pm! _

 

**_Cream_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Fell_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Blue_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Red_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Stretch_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

 

**Comic:** has n e 1 heard n e news from slim

 

**Comic:** me and paps havent

 

**Fell:** Neither have we.

 

**Stretch:** bro?

 

**Blue:** No… I haven’t heard from him since we got the chat back up and he told us what happened to Razz.

 

**Fell:** Goddammit.

 

**Cream:** Is there really no way for us to go over there and make sure that he’s okay?

 

**Blue:** He won’t respond to any messages. What if what took Razz came back and got him?

 

**Red:** we cant connect to other universes unless the machines themselves are working on both ends. from what slim said, we’re looking at quite a wait for us to be able to go to and from swapfell again.

 

**Fell:** What about the chat that we got? The one from Razz that didn’t make any sense. 

 

**Stretch:** from what we gathered it was in binary code

 

**Red:** we couldnt hardly pinpoint it at any time in order to translate it

 

**Comic:** but we did manage 2 get the code on that was repeating the most often

 

**Blue:** You did!?

 

**Fell:** What did it say when translated?

 

**Red:** it was just a buncha random symbols and shit. none of it made any sense.

 

**Blue:** What were the symbols?

 

**Stretch:** àçó��ÏþÛ06ÜÀÀÎgó9�Ïþ00�Àgó�Ïÿ?�þ�öÙ�¶æs?�Ìþ�ð��Ì�?�þ�ø9üàçóÿ¶Ì

¶`03�üÎgóÿ�Ì`�ðüÀgó

 

**Fell:** What the fuck.

 

**Comic:** we told u it didnt make sense

 

**Stretch:** theres not even any way to translate that into something else so we are all kinda stuck at this point

 

**Comic:** i mean there was that thing w/ the code itself

 

**Red:** dude. theyll kill us.

 

**Cream:** What thing?

 

**Blue:** If you guys found something out, then you  _ need _ to let us know! Just ignoring it could put both Razz and Slim in more danger then they’re already in! Especially if it’s important!

 

**Fell:** Blue’s right. Tell us what’s weird with the code right now.

 

**Red:** stretch, do you care to do the honors?

 

**Comic:** go on man

 

**Stretch:** fuck fine

 

**Stretch:** so the code itself looked like this

 

**Stretch:** [image attachment]

 

**Stretch:** which translated from binary into the fucking nonsense as shown above

 

**Stretch:** but we were fucking around with the layout of the code itself because we literally have no idea what to do at this point

 

**Stretch:** and we came up with this

 

**Stretch:** [image attachment]

 

**Fell:** …

 

**Fell:** I see no difference.

 

**Cream:** You bolded the 1s? Other than that…

 

**Stretch:** fuck okay hold on it is kinda hard to see

 

**Stretch:** [image attachment]

 

**Stretch:** there 

 

**Blue:** What?

 

**Fell:** Does that fucking say “memes”?

 

**Red:** yes 

 

**Fell:** Are you fucking kidding me.

 

**Stretch:** listen before any of you guys get pissed because of the sensitive situation im just gonna say that it was like this when we got it

 

**Comic:** yea like 2 of our friends lives r possibly in danger so we wudnt fuk around @ this point

 

**Blue:** I believe you.

 

**Blue:** I’m going to go and see if I can somehow get in contact with Razz or Slim.

 

**_Blue_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Stretch:** …

 

**Stretch:** god hes worried sick about this

 

**Stretch:** im gonna go keep messing with the machine to try and make some kind of portal 

 

**Stretch:** even if its only a window

 

**Red:** i’ll come over to help

 

**Comic:** me 2

 

**Stretch:** thanks 

 

**_Stretch_ ** _ has left the chat! _

**_Comic_ ** _ has left the chat! _

**_Red_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Cream:** Fell?

 

**Fell:** Yes?

 

**Cream:** Do you think that Razz and Slim are okay?

 

**Fell:** …

 

**Fell:** I don’t know.

 

**Fell:** But I do know that Razz is one hell of a stubborn bastard, and there’s no way in hell that he would let something like this cause his death. He’s too damn prideful.

 

**Cream:** What about Slim?

 

**Fell:** He’ll be fine as long as we find Razz soon, or find some way to reach him.

 

**Cream:** And if we don’t?

 

**Fell:** ...Shouldn’t I be the pessimist here?

 

**Cream:** I think you’re more along the lines of narcissist, actually.

 

**Fell:** Oh, ha ha. Very funny.

 

**Fell:** Everything is going to be fine, Cream. All we can do it wait and try to keep contacting them.

 

**Cream:** Yeah. Okay. See you later.

 

**Fell:** Stay positive.

 

**_Fell_ ** _ has left the chat! _

 

**Cream:** …

 

**_Cream_ ** _ has left the chat! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [these](https://ollie-oxen-free.tumblr.com/post/161380963504/i-am-a-very-serious-writer-and-the-things-that-i) are the fucking pictures and shit that they were sending. (lookit that! content other than writing! im quite the master of all the arts, heh heh. *pointedly ignores my sketchbook which is currently on fire from me trying to watercolor*)
> 
> sooooo anywaaasyyyysssss im sorry? u can follow me on [tumblr](https://ollie-oxen-free.tumblr.com/) or whatever
> 
> i dont really ever post any shit but i mean the notifications that tell me that i got more followers help soothe my intense cravings for attention so do with it what you will


	18. And Here, We See That It Has Been Planned From The Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Titles:  
> Fuck Archive Warnings, Man. This Ain’t Even Sad Shit. Is it? ...Is it?
> 
> In Keeping With The Idea Of Fear Of Memes, Most Hatred Is Derived From Fear. And Fear Gives Others Power Over You. Accept The Memes, Bitch.
> 
> Hello From The Other Siiiiiiiiiiiide, At Least I Can See That I Triiiiiiiiied
> 
> I Apologize In Advance, There Are Still Plenty Of Poorly Made Jokes In Here That Are As Unfunny As Usual, So Don’t Worry About That

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhhh??????
> 
> okay but give me like an hour and the epilogue/final chapter will be out???
> 
> i apologize again but at the same time im not actually sorry bc ive actually had this entire thing written since like chapter 5 bc thats when i changed the entire direction of this story so lol get wrecked

 

Razz lifted up his arm, letting the strings that were tied around it hang down like tassels. Except dumber. God, this was so fucking stupid. He was kidnapped through time and space by four people- one who was his dad, supposedly, and three of which were alternate versions of his dad, which was weird enough as is- and for some  _ god-forsaken _ reason, he had agreed to help them out to keep those same universes from being destroyed. And  _ then _ he was tossed into some nightmare version of Snowdin, where the Riverperson…

 

Okay, so he actually had no idea what the Riverperson did, aside from speak in cryptic riddles and hum a lot (and also apparently hop back and forth between the universes somehow like it was no big deal, but he himself did that fairly often so he supposed he could let that one slide). But he had been thrown into some space where colored, hallucinogenic fog was just floating around like it was entirely natural, and while said fog was drugging him, he had gotten his damned arm tangled in some kind of string made of actual numbers. Hence the makeshift tassels. None of this made any fucking sense, and he just wanted to hurry and be done with it so that he could drink himself into a stupor. He’d drink to forget, but he had a feeling that this nightmare of an ordeal would always follow him around.

 

The Gasters didn’t seem to care about his existential crisis.

 

“ _ Did you get samples from the universes? _ ”

 

Razz glared at him, lifting his still-suspended arm a little higher and waving at the strings hanging from it. They all blinked at the threads. UT laughed loudly. “Oh my god. The common thread is  _ literally _ a thread.” The smile fell off his face and he looked to the ground, seeming shocked. “This is better than any joke I could ever make. Better than any joke that I’ve ever made. Someone please kill me now so I don’t have to live up to those expectations.”

 

“ **_Gladly._ ** ”

 

Razz decided then and there that saving the universes wasn’t worth dealing with this any longer than he already had. If only he had known this beforehand, he would have raised a big middle finger up at his “father” and left, enjoying his last moments of life in relative peace. But he was stuck here to see this bullshit through, because he never went back on a task he had uptaken.

 

No matter how grating it was every time he even had to breathe next to them.

 

“ _ How did you manage to find them? Time doesn’t really have a relative meaning here, so we don’t know if it took you a few hours or... A year. Or something. _ ” 

 

Razz scowled at him, pushing his way past to walk towards where the others were gathered around. He was glad to know about the very real possibility of him wasting his life away trying to fix a problem that he didn’t even cause. “Not that long, I believe.” He frowned, looking at the strings. “The… Riverperson helped me out?”

 

They all stopped at that, turning and looking at him in confusion. “ _ The Riverper- Oh! Do you mean Bobbie?! _ ”

 

“ **God, I love Bob.** ”

 

“I don’t. Bitch owes me $5. Keeps telling everyone to ‘beware’ me, too. They’re a fucking dick.”

 

Razz blinked, his face scrunching in what he believed was confusion, but he was feeling pretty ticked at the moment as well. Confused annoyance? Sure, that works. “You know them?”

 

“ **_Yes. They’re some kind of god-like being or some stupid shit. Like a guardian of the universes or something. Ancient, and old, and extremely obnoxious._ ** ”

 

He sighed loudly, deciding to not expand on who else was annoying. “You know what? I don’t fucking care.” He lifted his arm again, gesturing at the threads hanging down from it angrily. “What the fuck do I do with these?” He was met with blank stares that quickly looked away, UT shrugging and making a questioning noise. “Great. Wonderful. This  _ truly _ is the most marvelous of days.”

 

UF snickered. “ **You gotta like. Connect them with the codes of the other universes.** ”

 

“How?” He was met with more shrugs, and the sight made him clench his fists. He looked down at the strings that were still knotted around his arm and sighed. He had no idea what to do, but getting them off of his arm seemed like a good place to start.

 

The Gasters started memeing again, but Razz ignored them in favor of picking at the knot with his fingers. It was small, though, and pulled so tightly that he couldn’t get a good grip on it with his gloves. He sighed through his nose, putting his hand in his armpit and pressing down, pulling the glove off and holding it under his arm as he brought his claws up to pick at the string. He gave a frustrated growl when he still couldn’t remove the knot, grabbing the ends of thread as close to his arm as possible and yanking, hard.

 

They all broke off with tiny snaps, Razz sighing and setting them to drape over his arm as he put his glove back on. Good enough, he supposed. It would be fine. When he picked up the string, he noticed the loops around his ulna were glowing slightly. He squinted, moving his arm up to look at the closer. He felt a sharp prick on his arm, and watched as the thread glowed brighter, phasing into his arm until there was no string left knotted around him. Wait, what the fuck? He looked up at the Gasters to see what their reaction was, but groaned loudly as he was met with UT and UF getting into a slap fight, US and SF watching intently.

 

Fucking honestly.

 

US noticed him holding the now-disentangled thread aloft in his hand, and his face lit up. He glided over to where Razz was standing, looking them over. “ _ Alright! Great! Now we can just… _ ” He turned away from Razz as he furrowed his brow, seeming to concentrate on something before giving up with a frustrated huff. “ _ SF! Can you come help me out with this?! _ ”

 

A heavy groan, but he glided over to help nonetheless. “ **_Fine. To the collegial area?_ ** ”

 

“ _ Yep! _ ”

 

SF gave a disinterested hum, lifting his arm up as he stood beside the other, both focusing on a space in front of themselves. There was another loud tearing sound, and Razz watched apprehensively as another tear was ripped open. 

 

And that was the best way to describe it, actually, because the motion was far more violent and jerky than any tear he’d ever watched before. When the machine would open the portal for the other, it would always glide across the air smoothly, like a pair of scissors sliding through wrapping paper. What was happening in front of him was spasmic and uneven. No one seemed bothered by it but him, though.

 

The sound stopped and they both lowered their hands, stepping back and away from the portal. Razz could make out a faint glow coming from the other side of the tear, four familiar colors shifting and dimming. He looked between the two that were staring into it as well. “What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?”

 

SF raised an eyebrow. “ **_Go through it._ ** ”

 

“No, I,” He reached his unoccupied hand up to pinch at the bridge of his nose. “I figured  _ that _ much out. I mean what am I supposed to do once I get in there.” They both looked at each other before switching their gazes back to him, not saying anything. “Oh my god, you don’t know.”

 

US grinned. “ _ We’re sure you’ll figure it out! _ ” 

 

Before he could snarl anything back, he was picked up by another tentacle and hurled through the tear, landing on his side and rolling to his feet. He looked up just in time to see US smiling and waving at him, and SF flipping him off with both hands. The tear closed and he growled, dusting himself off of the nonexistent dirt in this place before he looked around the area.

 

Strings, not unlike the ones that he was holding in his hands, were spanning the entire area, anchored in the “ground” that he was standing on and extending up into some unseeable ceiling. They were arranged in a square-like shape, each corner holding a different color. Razz supposed that those were the four different universes. The corners were arranged stiffly up and down, strings extending out from the towards the center of the square almost as supports. Dark blue, light blue, red, and purple. He looked down at the threads in his hand, seeing that they matched the colors exactly.

 

He frowned as he looked back up. Well, there was no doubt that these were the universes, but he still had no idea what the fuck to do. 

 

The Riverperson’s words came back to him and he scowled, not wanting to take any of their cryptic advice. He didn’t really know what else to do, at this point, so he begrudgingly looked at the strings. Connect them? None of the strings in his hand were long enough to reach from one corner to the other, unless… He looked up, his eyes tracing the string that was extending out from the center of one of the universe pillars (yes, he was calling them that, fuck you) to where it stretched into the center. They were all like that, so there was a chance that he would be able to tie the string in the center if some of the threads were close enough.

 

As he walked by one of the pillars, the purple one, it started to glow a little brighter, and he stopped, looking at it warily. He took a step closer and it glowed brighter. Razz huffed in amusement. Guess that was his own universe.

 

As he was looking over the pillar, he noticed that there was a thread in it that was hanging loosely out, looking frayed and dim. In one spot of it, there were faint lines of the other colors marking it. Razz reached a hand out to touch it but pulled back at the last second. Best not to mess with the codes for the shit unnecessarily.

 

He walked past the supporting strings, looking over them with disinterest. As he watched, one of the strings supporting the pillar snapped, bending down and breaking inwards, the pillar falling forward a bit with a loud groan. The light of it flickered for a few moments before it came back, noticeably dimmer than it was before. Like a chain reaction, the same thing happened to the other three, all of them leaning in towards the center of the square slightly more than they were before.

 

So that was how they were going to collide. Weird. He sighed as he kept walking to the center, stopping when he reached the middle. The strings became more sparse at he went on until there were only four left, each of them stuck in almost the center of the ground. Razz knelt down, looking over them closely. There was about an inch of space in the center where they weren’t meeting and he hummed, looking down at the string in his hands.

 

He paused for a bit before he reached forward, tying each color of thread with the respective support. Now he just had to… Tie them? He reached down, grabbing two strings in each hand and staring at them disapprovingly. A braid would be sturdier, though, and with a roll of his eyes at the ridiculousness of this situation- he was literally fucking braiding  _ string _ to save the universes- he wove them together, standing up and looking at his handiwork with disinterest once he was done.

 

As he watched, the braid began to glow, the end of it sticking into the center of the square as it moved from the ground up. The strings he had tied around the center merged with those he had added, coming together and weaving themselves into the braid on their own. More thread shot out from the pillars, latching into the center and traveling upwards into the same limitless sky.

 

There was a rumbling shake, and Razz took a step back warily, eyes darting over the area. The pillars began to lean further inward and he panicked- fuck he was supposed to  _ prevent _ this from happening, dammit- but before he could worry about it too long, more strings reached out from the universes, intertwining with the threads from the others. The pillars began to glow brighter as the strings wove together, traveling down. 

 

Razz watched, satisfied, as they wove together for support. That is, until he realized that they were traveling down and would soon leave him trapped in the center of the square. He cursed, darting to the area where he had entered. As he passed, he saw from the corner of his eye the frayed string from earlier, fallen off and slowly drifting to the ground. And then he was pushing through as the threads wove together, forming a rectangular structure. Or was it a pyramid? It stretched too far up for him to tell, so he decided that it wasn’t really worth caring about.

 

He felt a sharp pang in his chest, his hand shooting up to rub at his sternum as he winced, looking down at his ribs. There was another sharp pang, followed by a cracking sound from in front of him. Razz looked up quickly, trying to see what danger was around. There was another stab of hurt in his chest, but he ignored it in favor of looking at the corner of the woven pillars.

 

A string was laying on the ground, entirely separated from the rest of the threads, the occasional spark of magic and electricity arcing along it. Razz took a step forwards, and then another, and then another, until he was right in front of it, bending over to pick it up before another stab of pain struck, and he fell to his knees with a hiss.

 

He had shut in eyes in pain, but opened them back up warily as he looked at the string in front of him. It was the frayed one from before, with the stripes of color on the side. The string dimmed a bit, but the bands remained their bright color, a fourth one of the same shade of string showing up clearly. Another arc of magic, and with a wince of pain, Razz realized that it was his own string. His own thread and place in the universe had been taken out, had  _ fallen _ out, and left him…

 

Dying? Or maybe he would cease to exist like the Gasters?

 

…

 

No, fuck that. He picked the string up, intending to shove it back into the fray of thread, universes be damned, but was stopped by a shock of agony that traveled down his spine, causing him to drop the thread and fall to his hands and knees, gasping for air.

 

God, he had been… He’d been  _ hurt _ before, but that was…

 

He felt corrupted magic pool at the back of his throat, trying to force its way out of his mouth, but he swallowed it back down with a shudder. Razz pushed against his arms, leaning back until he was sitting down on the ground, looking up at the pillars and gritting his teeth. And then, it felt like…

 

The pain was fading. And he felt really, really, really tired. The hum of charging magic was heard, and he watched as the pillars brightened at the base, the lights then shooting up and traveling up the pillars in a wave. Despite his efforts, he felt his eyes shut, weighing heavy as he laid down, numb.

 

He was… dying. And honestly, he had expected to feel frenzied at the thought, panicked and read to fight for that scrap of survival and to cling to it, unrelenting. But, really, it was hard for him to feel anything but exhausted.

 

He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. 

 

He hoped Blue would be okay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_ Change in code detected! New hardware available! _

_ Update? _

 

**> Y** _        N _

_ Confirm?   _

**> Y** _     N _

 

_ Updating… _

 

_ Update complete! _

 

_ WARNING _ _ : Missing hardware!  _

_ Recover lost files? _

 

**> Y** _        N _

 

_ Recovering…. _

 

_ ERROR 404 _ _ : FILES NOT FOUND _

 

_ Replace necessary files from backup? _

 

_ >Y         N _

_  Y        >N _

**> Y** _N_

 

_ Files being replaced… _

 

_ WARNING _ _ : Complete system restart necessary to ensure proper replacement. _

_ Proceed anyways? _

 

**> Y** _       N _

 

_ System restarting… _

 

_ Restart complete. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *riverperson sitting behind a keyboard with only two keys on it and leaning back in a swivel chair calmly* “tra la la. i fucking told him he wasnt the most important character in this story.”
> 
> no regerts


	19. Does It Still Count As An Epilogue If It's Technically The Last Chapter?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Titles:  
> Then Again, Epilogues Are Usually The Last Chapter Of Things, Lol
> 
> Seeing Things From The Very Beginning Really Put A Firm Perspective On The Situation
> 
> Nicknames Are Difficult And Some Find Them Hard To Accept

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pst. hey. everyone here can suck my dick.

He pounded on the door to Papyrus’ room. There was a response- unintelligible, of course, but that was no surprise considering that he had come home from Muffet’s new bar sometime last night- and he growled, taking a few steps back before he went forward and kicked the door. Unfortunately, Sans had kicked this door far too many times for such an action to just knock it inwards like usual, and his boot went through the wood. He blinked in shock for a few moments before he groaned, placing both hands on the door and using his leverage to yank his foot out before bending down to peer through the hole.

 

“PAPYRUS!”

 

There was a shift in the sheets across the room, and aforementioned lazy ass poked his head out from the covers with a snort. He looked over at the new hole in the door blearily. “Hey, Sans. You doing some construction there?” He yawned, and Sans fought the urge to kick another hole in the door. “I gotta say, I didn’t really think I needed a peephole for the door, but you’re the boss.”

 

Sans shoved his arm through the hole, blindly scrabbling with his claw for the door handle before he got a grip on it, clicking the lock off and slamming the door open. “GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS! THE MACHINE IS FUCKING BEEPING AND IT’S PISSING ME OFF!”

 

When he didn’t move, Sans scowled, walking over and grabbing him by the nape of his neck, dragging him out of bed. Papyrus gave a soft cry, arm reaching up for the warmth of his bed as he was pulled away from it and javelin-thrown over the upstairs banister. Sans walked down the steps, kicking Papyrus where he was sprawled on the floor. “Get up.”

 

“I can’t, I’m dead.” His voice was muffled since his face was shoved in the carpet.

 

“No, because if you were dead, then I would be having to get the vacuum cleaner out right about now.”

 

“Thanks, bro.”

 

Sans sighed loudly, rolling his eyes. “Just get to the fucking shed already.”

 

He walked out of the back door, not looking behind himself to see if Papyrus was following. He opened the door to the shed, slamming it shut behind him as he looked over to the machine. The cat was sitting at the foot of it, stretching a paw out and batting at the metal a bit. It looked up when he entered and hissed at him, standing up and sauntering off, jumping up on the sill of the open window before leaving.

 

Sans scowled. He fucking hated that animal. There was a pop from beside him, and he glanced over to see Papyrus flicking on a lighter, trying to light a cig that was undeniably filled with weed instead of tobacco, and he rolled his eyes, walking over and giving a light kick to the metal hull of the device. “Get to it. I don’t have all day.”

 

Papyrus pressed some buttons built into the side, pausing for a moment with his finger hovering over a large red switch. “Okay, so. You remember what I told you about the other universes?”

 

Sans rolled his eyes again. “Two of them are fucking pansies that couldn’t last three seconds in a fight.”

 

Papyrus looked off to the side before moving his gaze back to Sans. “Uh. Kinda? More like-”

 

Sans waved him off. “I don’t fucking care.” When there was still a pause, he groaned. “Oh for fuck’s sake- I won’t attack anyone, dammit!”

 

Papyrus shrugged, seeming satisfied enough at the response before rolling the cig in his mouth to the side, pressing the button. There was a large crack, and then a portal in front of them slid open, showing a shed like their own.

 

…

 

Basically  _ exactly _ like their own.

 

He looked over his shoulder and gave Papyrus an annoyed look. “Congratulations. You’ve made a machine that can give a light show.”

 

Papyrus walked past him, crouching down and stepping through the ring of light before looking back through. “You coming?”

 

“Fuck off.” He stepped through regardless, looking back at the “portal”. It disappeared with a pop.

 

“Okay cool. You’re here.”

 

Sans swore, turning around and throwing an attack in the direction of the unknown voice. A skeleton that looked almost exactly like himself was standing there, hands casually slung in the pockets of a poofy blue jacket. Sans was concerned for a split second, because what would happen if he killed himself from another universe? He didn’t give a fuck about the other, but what would happen to him?

 

The other Sans dodged the attacks that were thrown at him, and he wasn’t sure whether to be grateful or annoyed. Papyrus snorted. “That’s not the first time that’s happened today, is it?”

 

The other him shrugged lazily. “Eh, it’s happened once, or twice. Or fivice.”

 

“That’s not a word.”

 

“It has though.” He shifted his lazy gaze to where Sans was standing, very much confused. “Welp. You guys were the last ones to show up, so if you wanna come on in then my bro’s set up a bunch of bowls of spaghetti.” And then he popped away with a wink, leaving Sans and Papyrus alone in the shed.

 

Sans looked over. “I fucking hate this.”

 

Papyrus just shrugged. “I don’t know. I kinda like spaghetti.”

 

“Not- Just- Ugh!” He threw his hands up in the air, stomping over to the door of the shed and slamming it open, making his way around to the front. He pushed open the door, walking in a few steps. He didn’t bother to take his boots off since he didn’t plan on staying long. He felt Papyrus come up behind him and shut the door.

 

Sure enough, there were three other pairs of brothers aside from him and Papyrus, and looking at them gave him a headache. Everyone in this room seemed like a fucking pussy, even the Sans that was also spiky, a bottle of mustard crammed halfway down his throat. The only one who didn’t seem like a pansy was a Papyrus, surprisingly enough, leaning against a wall with one of his feet propped up against it, arms crossed in front of him. A leather jacket completed his edgy ensemble. 

 

He heard a clap, seeing another Papyrus standing happily, hands clasped in front of himself with a large grin. He was dressed like a… superhero? No, that was just his scarf flapping in the air conditioning. “Great! Now! We can make nicknames!”

 

The edgy Papyrus raised a brow, obviously trying very hard to be cool. Poor him. Luckily, Sans was just naturally suave, so he didn’t have to be a try-hard like that dick. “Nicknames? Why?”

 

There was a shuffle of movement, and Sans’ head snapped over to look at another him, bouncing excitedly in place. The only thing that really came to his mind was the fucking  _ blue _ that seemed to cover every square inch of his body. His eyelights were starry, and Sans found himself wondering just how the fuck any him could be so cheery about something as stupid as a nickname.

 

A large orange hoodie that was sprawled across the couch shifted, and a head popped out of it. “Are we all gonna have nicknames, or is there gonna be two people that keep their names, or what?”

 

Papyrus- his Papyrus, and god this was going to get confusing fast so maybe it was for the best that they got some discerning titles- yawned loudly. “Well, since we showed up last, I think that we should get to keep our names and you guys come up with some nicknames for yourselves.”

 

The spiky Sans on the couch took the bottle of mustard out of his mouth long enough to snort. “Yeah, not happening buddy. Either we all get nicknames or none of us do.”

 

“I’m Fell.” The Papyrus leaning against the wall said. Everyone looked at him. “What? Do you think I’m just gonna let someone pick out my own nickname and give me something stupid? If I got something like ‘Edge’ or ‘Spike’ then I would fucking kill someone.”

 

The happy Papyrus crossed his arms, looking up at the ceiling. “I don’t know! I feel like Edge works for you fairly well.”

 

“Fuck off, cream puff.”

 

“Cream puff?” Happy Papyrus put his hand on his chin thoughtfully, then took it away with a nod and a smile. “Okay! Then Cream can be my new name!” He posed proudly. 

 

Fell looked at him. “You’re fine with being called Cream.”

 

“Yep!” He gasped. “We can all have food-themed nicknames!” He looked over the Sanses and Sans- himself, not someone, he was, it was the Sans from, dear god I have a fucking headache- flipped him off when the gaze passed over himself. “Blueberry, Cherry, and Raspberry!”

 

The spiked Sans on the couch snorted. “They call me Cherry because I pop the ones of all the bitches.”

 

Cream looked away. “Okay! So I’ve changed my mind about that idea!”

 

His brother spoke up from behind him. “I wanna be Slim Shady.”

 

The orange one on the couch hummed. “I like it. That can be my nickname.”

 

An offended gasp from behind him. “No? Fuck you? I’m Slim Shady!”

 

Cream snickered, putting a hand over his mouth. He cleared his throat. “Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?”

 

There was a few seconds of silence in the room. Sans looked over his shoulder at Papyrus to see that there was a slight flush of dark orange on his upper cheekbones. Sans raised an eyebrow and Papyrus quickly looked away, bringing his fist up to his mouth and coughing into it. “Uh, yeah. Yeah. I'm the, uh.” More pause. His retracted a bit into the fluff on his hood. “You can just call me Slim for short.”

 

“Cool. I wanna be Comic.” The other him shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket, eyes crinkling around the edges with a grin.

 

Cream looked at him in mock annoyance before moving his gaze into the upper corner of the room, like he was staring directly into a camera. “I’m not even surprised.” He sighed. “Alright, so we’ve figured out a few nicknames, but…”

 

The orange dickweed on the couch lifted his hand up. “The Asgore school of naming things.” He pointed at the blue Sans and the spiky Sans. “Blue and Red. I’ll be Stretch because I’m taller than all of you. Fucking done.”

 

Pa-  _ Slim _ spoke up from behind him. “Eh, not everyone. Right bro?”

 

“Fuck you.”

 

Red hummed, taking the mustard bottle out of his mouth. “I thought we were gonna call him Raspberry?”

 

Sans scowled, flipping him off none too subtly. “Definitely not.”

 

“Razz then.”

 

“It’s still a hard no, and it’s short for raspberry anyways! We aren’t doing food names!” Fuck him, fuck him right up the asshole in the gayest way possible.

 

…

 

He was going to ignore that thought.

 

“Razz isn’t short for raspberry. It’s short for Razzamataz. R-a-z-z, you see?” Red nodded wisely once he finished speaking, and a few murmurs of agreement were heard about the room. Fucking forget it. It wasn’t worth arguing with these idiots. At least he didn’t have the worst nickname out of everyone.

 

... _ Razz _ brought his right hand up to flip Red off, the other seeming not to mind the action too much. In fact, it seemed to be having more of an effect on Blue than anything, Cream being too busy stomping his foot at a surplus of puns from Comic that he didn’t notice. Razz shifted his gaze to the bluer version of himself, raising a brow in challenge as the other’s forehead crinkled in frustration. He brought his other hand up and raised the finger high.

 

The blue eyelights in the other’s sockets locked on him, his gaze narrowing in silent scolding. Razz normally would have given a confident smirk, cocking his head to the side as he tried to piss the other off even more, but he felt a sharp pang in his chest, and his face fell into shock, middle fingers curling over lightly so they weren’t sticking up hardly at all. The pang went away, and Razz came to realize that, fuck, he was standing here with his fists raised awkwardly in front of him, and he really needed to put his hands down before anyone caught him looking like an idiot.

 

He did, shifting back and watching as Cream angrily grabbed a bowl of spaghetti and one of the serving spoons, stomping into the kitchen, saying something about hiding under his sink while he ate his feelings. 

 

(Razz was honestly surprised. Some part of him was worried that someone would call him out for his odd posture, and he would end up stomping out of the house in frustration as laughter followed his back, Blue following him and trying to talk, which would leave him annoyed enough to call the other out, which would annoy  _ him _ enough to call Razz out, which would end with them both being very close as they argued in each other’s faces until the machine finally finished warming up and Razz stepped through the proffered portal, turning around to look at the other in slight annoyance- but also maybe a bit of intrigue because no one hardly ever stood up to him to his face and called him out for his shit- as the portal fully closed, the last thing he would see as it zipped shut being Blue bring a hand up slowly to rub at his sternum.

 

…

 

He had no idea where that all came from, or why the fuck it was so detailed if it wasn’t actually going to happen. He usually liked to examine the ins and outs of every situation to ensure that he had a plan for anything bad that could happen, but that was just ridiculously thorough.)

 

As it stood, he just stayed where he was and watched in annoyance as the lazy types began explaining some kind of fucking group chat thing. A ping came up on his phone and he looked down at it. Razz tapped his finger on the side of his phone before sliding it up and clicking the tone on silent. He didn’t know why, but he had a feeling that he would be needing it.

 

[ _ group chat _ ]

 

**_Comic_ ** _ has opened a new chat at 11:48am! _

 

**_Cream_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Red_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Fell_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Blue_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Stretch_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

**_Slim_ ** _ has joined the chat! _

 

**Comic:** & this is the group chat we were talking abt

 

**Comic:** feat. our new nicknames

 

**Stretch:** we made it so that it works across other universes and stuff

 

**Cream:** Why are you texting in this instead of just talking to the group out loud?

 

**Comic:** the same could b asked 4 u bro

 

**Cream:** I have an excuse! I’m hiding under the sink eating spaghetti!

 

**Slim:** ah, finally.

 

**Slim:** a place to keep all of my dick pics.

 

**Slim:** [[image attachment](https://www.usnews.com/cmsmedia/1a/57/6a58d9d944ad89501dc2685cb7b2/140806-nixonquiz-intro-editorial.jpg)] 

 

**Red:** i dont wanna open that

 

**Cream:** [[image attachment](https://i.stack.imgur.com/ZEwLd.jpg)] 

 

**Slim:** i’m in love.

 

**Cream:** ( ￣ω￣) 

 

**Fell:** Are we going to just keep it titled “group chat”?

 

**Stretch:** good point bro

 

**_Stretch_ ** _ has renamed the chat  _ [ _ skeleton whores _ ] _! _

 

**Red:** i love it

 

**_Fell_ ** _ has renamed the group chat  _ [ _ Fuck Off _ ] _! _

 

**_Blue_ ** _ has renamed the group chat  _ [ _ Guys, Please! Let's Be Nice About This! _ ] _! _

 

**_Red_ ** _ has renamed the group chat  _ [ _ nice skeleton whores _ ] _! _

 

**Blue:** That’s not what I meant.

 

**Stretch:** i thought it was pretty  _ humerus _ though

 

**Fell:** No.

 

**Cream:** You still just named it whatever you wanted!

 

**Slim:** nah. i think it was more of a  _ joint _ effort.

 

**_Cream_ ** _ has renamed the group chat _ [ _ No Puns Allowed While I Am Eating Spaghetti Under The Sink! _ ] _! _

 

**_Comic_ ** _ has renamed the group chat _ [ _ the puns will stop if we keep the chat as what we wanf _ ] _! _

 

**_Slim_ ** _ has renamed the group chat  _ [ _ you had a typo there buddy _ ] _! _

 

**_Comic_ ** _ has renamed the group chat _ [ _ thanks _ ] _! _

 

**_Comic_ ** _ has renamed the group chat  _ [ _ the puns will stop if we keep the chat as what we want _ ] _! _

 

**Slim:** that’s better.

 

**Fell:** Oh for fucks sake, just keep it named as what you will and stop communicating by changing the group chat name!

 

**Red:** fuck yeah

 

**_Red_ ** _ has renamed the group chat _ [ _ skeleton whores _ ] _! _

 

**Slim:** hey, speaking of skeleton whores, has anyone seen my bro? short, spiky, kinda edgy but not really, has a crippling fear of memes?

 

**Comic:** sounds familiar

 

**Stretch:** this him?

 

**Stretch:** [image attachment]

 

**Slim:** nah, he’s too tall.

 

**Fell:** When the fuck did you take that picture of me?

 

**Cream:** I think I saw him walking out the front door!

 

**Blue:** How could you tell through the sink cabinet?

 

**Cream:** I have a peephole!

 

**Blue:** Well, that’s nifty!

 

**Cream:** Thank you!

 

**Slim:** both of you sound like suburban moms commenting on each other’s wine collection.

 

**Cream:** Can it, Linda.

 

**Cream:** Nobody likes your wheat grain cookies.

 

**Slim:** in front of the kids, helen!

 

**Fell:** This is an absolute fucking nightmare.

 

 

 

Razz growled, cramming his phone into his pocket as he walked back towards the machine. He had a feeling that this would be a huge waste of time, and what do you know, he was right!

 

Thank god he had the foresight to turn his phone on silent, because otherwise he would be dealing with some serious bullshit right about now. He hadn’t read the messages in the chat, but the fact that notifications saying that the “skeleton whores” chat was now available showed him that he wasn’t missing much.

 

He stopped in front of the shed, staring at the splintered wooden door and narrowing his eyes. There was something irrevocably familiar about this place, but Razz shook his head, refixing his glare on the door. Of course it was familiar, dumbass, because this was literally a version of his own house, and shed, and this sense of deja vu with the others and their inane arguments was just because they were  _ literally _ him and his brother in some sense of the matter.

 

He shook his head more firmly, reaching forward to grasp the shed handle and yank the door open when he felt a sharp pain on his arm. He yanked the arm back, looking down at the bone to see four glowing streaks of colors quickly fading, until the only thing that was left was his slightly marred ulna.

 

What the fuck.

 

There was the sound of a slamming door, and Razz quickly pivoted on his heel and dropped down into a defensive stance, watching as Blue- that was his name, he guessed, though Razz had started trying to purge the memory of earlier from his mind, so he couldn’t be sure- trotted down the stairs and walked up to him, a cheery smile on his face. Another pang of something familiar. Razz ignored it, opting to stand up straight and cross his arms in front of his chest, a disinterested look on his face.

 

“Hey! You aren’t leaving already, are you?” The other’s blue eyelights stared down at him-  _ blue stars in the vastness of black sockets, flashing lights around him as clear laughter came from his mouth _ \- and he frowned up at the other.

 

“I wasn’t really planning on staying.”  _ Repeated rings and bright smiles. _ “And what about you? Why the fuck are you out here?”

 

Those eyelights looked away from his, going up to skim over the few wisps of clouds in the sky, and with them left the- memories? Thoughts? They weren’t exactly unwelcome, each one of them holding a dream-like quality, but each one also giving him that feeling of forgetting something. “They’re all talking about Richard Nixon.” A chuckle-  _ nervous and close to his face, all soft smiles and gentle eyes _ . “Fell joined Cream underneath the sink to eat spaghetti to get away from it, and I… Don’t really like pasta to the extent of wanting to shovel it into my mouth while sitting under a kitchen appliance.”

 

Razz gave a hum, looking off to the side. There were a few dandelions growing at the base of a large tree. “Pasta is fucking disgusting.”

 

A small huff. “Language. But, I do agree. I prefer tacos myself!”  _ Tinny music playing from a small radio sitting behind a sink, Razz watching his hips as they swayed to the beat of the song, humming lightly along with the melody. _ “What about you?”

 

“Enchiladas.”  _ Posing proudly, confidently, in his kitchen, a hand grabbing onto his own tightly _ .

 

“I’ve never made those before. You should show me sometime!”

 

Razz scoffed. “If you honestly think that you could handle cooking with the Malicious Razz!”

 

(He should have said no.) 

 

Blue laughed, posing and staring at him confidently. “Please! The Magnificent Blue can handle anything you throw at him!”

 

(He  _ would  _ have said no.) 

 

Razz posed as well, chest puffing out in confidence with his hands clenched into fists beside him. 

 

(Razz had no idea what it was, but there was just something that made him pause before the word came out of his mouth. That pang of familiarity, and the nagging feeling in his gut, urged him to stay. To say yes. And, no matter how completely idiotic the thought was, his instinct had never been wrong before.)

 

There was the muffled sound of an explosion from the house. The back door to the house slammed open, and his brother’s head popped out. “Sa-, er, Razz! If you guys are finished talking about yourself in the third person then I could really use your fire extinguisher right about now!”

 

“Slim, what the fuck did you do?!”

 

“Hey,  _ I _ , didn’t do anything, the energetic Papyruses decided to cook and now shit’s on fire and I’m the only one here who seems to care about not burning to death!”

 

Razz groaned loudly, taking the extinguisher out of his inventory as Blue snickered beside him, launching it as his brother. He caught it, head popping back into the house to douse the flames. Blue laughed. “I take it that fire is a regular occurrence in your universe?”

 

“With a friend like my Alphys? It’s practically guaranteed.”

 

Blue laughed again, nodding. 

 

Razz hoped he would be able to hear it for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god. this has been so much fun for me to write! ive really enjoyed this entire fic, and all of the people ive gotten to talk to and interact with because of it! thank you all so much for your support and comments!
> 
> want more? [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10560830/chapters/25140615) are some deleted scenes and ideas that i wanted to include in the story, but never got around to doing it. thank all of you again, and hope youve enjoyed the laughs and the shitty memes!


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